What do you call a religious ceremony with one person?

Single service.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jester57
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2021
🚨︎ report
My 8 year old nephew attended his first wedding. But his cousin had a question for his after the ceremony.

"Hey, how many women can a guy marry?"

"16!"

"How did you figure that out."

"Simple. I just listen to the minister and added them up: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer. That's 16!

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lodiman77
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife was a captain in the Army Reserve. She told me she had a promotion and asked me to attend the ceremony. I don’t know much about the Army,

...but I understand this promotion was a major ordeal.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SlickHeadSinger
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Unlike Judaism, a ceremonial ritual for slaughtered food is not practiced in Christianity.

That's separation of church and steak.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/derdody
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the wedding of the two antennas?

The ceremony was so-so...but the reception was epic!!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pr140391
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2021
🚨︎ report
I recently went to a wedding between two antennas. The ceremony was terrible but the RECEPTION WAS GREAT.
πŸ‘︎ 40
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xSalmonella
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the two antennas that got married?

The ceremony was ok, but the reception was great.

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rawSingularity
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
🚨︎ report
My sister hit me with quite the insult at her PhD ceremony.

It was a 2nd-degree burn.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wizard7926
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I like how they light the Olympic torch near Athens, then it stays lit all the way to the opening ceremony.

I guess it's hard to put out a Greece fire.

πŸ‘︎ 652
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CheeseheadDave
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2018
🚨︎ report
The mayor of Cowville hosted a citywide celebration of their milk. At the opening ceremony the mayor stood proudly above a pool of milk to show the exceptional quality. Unfortunately as he left the stage he fell into the pool of milk. The townsmen quickly rescued him and asked if he was okay:

"Yes", he said, "I'm all-white".

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Snaaaaaaaaaake
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...

The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2021
🚨︎ report
I went to a wedding this weekend. It was a very emotional ceremony

Even the cake was in tiers

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bicatlantis7
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2019
🚨︎ report
A group of crows were receiving their PhDs at their college's commencement ceremony when the police showed up.

They were all arrested for third-degree murder.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BunzarTheFuzzy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Wife and I are at my son’s yellow belt ceremony and we see that the grand master’s name is Soon Man Lee, I chuckle she doesnt get why. I look her dead in the eyes, he’s not manly yet, but he will be soon. Now she thinks I’m damaged in some way.
πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2018
🚨︎ report
Two antennas met on a roof and fell in love

The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was incredible

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CreepyPastaKing1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
My neighbour is an Olympian and I secretly really fancy her so I'm helping her out at the opening ceremony...

I'm carrying a torch for her.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BeardFM
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2017
🚨︎ report
Two antenna met on a roof and eventually got married

The ceremony wasn’t much but the reception was incredible

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Connor0388
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to a wedding a few weeks ago for two antennas.

The ceremony was decent, but the reception was amazing!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/alli_roo22
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
🚨︎ report
I told my wife that watermelons always have a big wedding ceremony...

...because they cantaloupe.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/waffle299
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2017
🚨︎ report
The pope asked me to take care of his official ceremonial handbag

It's a blessing, and a purse.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/benrules2
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2017
🚨︎ report
Many melons are forced to have large wedding ceremonies when they get married

Because they cantaloupe

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NegativePrimitive
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2017
🚨︎ report
Why do two melons need to have a proper ceremony when they get married?

Because they cantaloupe!

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Horse_Armour
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2016
🚨︎ report
The wedding was about to start, and mom wanted to make sure the kids didn't have to get up and disrupt the ceremony to go to the bathroom, so she told them...

...speak now or forever hold your pees.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Not_Brandon
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2013
🚨︎ report
I walked right into one while watching the opening ceremony last night.

My husband and I were watching the parade of nations and Belize was entering the stadium. The population and number of athletes were displayed on the bottom and I said, "Wow, I didn't know Belize had such a small population. Not even half a million people."

My husband replied, "Yea, it's pretty unbeliezable."

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notstephanie
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2016
🚨︎ report
High mass in the extraordinary form
πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/prlmn
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2019
🚨︎ report
Did an Indian ceremony and my hands were really red from the dye.

11 yr old cousin: How long is your hand going to stay red?

Me: As long as I'm guilty!

She rolled her eyes at me knowing exactly what I meant because I've used the "caught red handed" joke to her for most of her life.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Yaj8552
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2016
🚨︎ report
My friends said they were doing a knot tying for their wedding ceremony...

I asked them "If you're not tying, what are you going to do for your ceremony?"

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Myrrun
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2013
🚨︎ report
My dad on the Olympics opening ceremony

"Did you see that? It was Sochi-zy"

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/linktothenow
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2014
🚨︎ report
Dadjoked a friend at a graduation ceremony.

One of my friends was talking about how she needed glasses because she couldnt see, so she used to wear colored glasses and i replied "but you can already see color just fine".

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/moelawn
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2015
🚨︎ report
Can anyone explain why last night’s Oscars were only a minute and a half?

I didn’t watch but heard something on the news about the 92nd Oscars ceremony last night.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I married the prince...

I went online and saw that a nigerian princess wanted to send me millions of dollars. However, I had to send $100 for handling fees on the check. However, I wanted confirmation. So I had her send me a picture. She did. Now, a princess needs a prince right? So I went online and found a picture of an eligible bachelor prince. Some guy from Jordan. I then took the two images, placed them side by side, and had some photoshopped ceremonial garb.

In otherwords, I married the prints. Of course, I took pictures of the happy event and sent them to the "princess" with the caption "I already married the prints." The scammer didn't reply unfortunately.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
🚨︎ report
President Obama's 2016 Turkey-Pardon Dad Jokes: The Definitive List

[from NPR-- this sub doesn't allow link posts]

The annual turkey pardon is a silly tradition, and President Obama knows it. On Wednesday, before pardoning turkeys named Tater and Tot, Obama summed up his feelings about this particular duty.

"It is my great privilege β€” well, it's my privilege β€” actually, let's just say it's my job to grant them clemency this afternoon," Obama said.

Not in attendance for the president's final turkey pardoning ceremony were first daughters Sasha and Malia Obama, who gamely laughed alongside their father last year. So instead, the president's nephews Austin and Aaron Robinson stood by for what Obama called his "corny-copia of dad jokes about turkeys."

And thus began a pun-fest for the ages. Here's a list of President Obama's groaners from this year's pardoning ceremony:

"Actually [Sasha and Malia] just couldn't take my jokes anymore. They were fed up."

"What I haven't told them yet is we are going to do this every year from now on. No cameras, just us, every year. No way I'm cutting this habit cold turkey."

"Tater is here in a backup role just in case Tot can't fulfill his duties. So he's sort of like the vice turkey. We're working on getting him a pair of aviator glasses."

"I want to take a moment to recognize the brave turkeys who weren't so lucky. Who didn't get to ride the gravy train to freedom. Who met their fate with courage and sacrifice and proved that they weren't chicken."

[After touting positive economic indicators and the low uninsured rate] "That's worth gobbling about."

"We should also make sure everyone has something to eat on Thanksgiving. Of course, except the turkeys, because they're already stuffed."

"When somebody at your table tells you that you've been hogging all of the side dishes, you can't have any more, I hope that you respond with a creed that sums up the spirit of a hungry people: 'Yes, we cran.' "

"Look, I know there are some bad ones in here, but this is the last time I'm doing this, so we're not leaving any room for leftovers."

"And now from the Rose Garden, Tater and Tot will go to their new home at Virginia Tech, which is admittedly a bit hokey." (The Hokies are the Virginia Tech mascot.)

"And so let's get on with the pardoning. Because it's Wednesday afternoon and everyone knows that Thanksgiving traffic can put people in a foul mood."

[from NPR -- http://www.npr.org/2016/11/23/503178220/president-obamas-2016-turkey-pardon-dad-jokes-the-definitive-list?utm_source=facebook.com

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/see2keroppi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2016
🚨︎ report
My wife isn't happy I'm practicing my dad jokes early

My wife and I are expecting within the next two weeks. We were at my parent's house when they asked when the baby naming would be.

Wife: It will either be on Monday or we'll name it Thursday.

Me: But I don't like the name Thursday...

From the number of groans I got, I think I'm gonna be a good dad.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mattityahu
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2014
🚨︎ report
Got my SO's dad at commencement

After the commencement ceremony was over, we walk out and I say,

Me: "Man, it was getting toasty in there!"

SO's Dad: "What? That stadium was freezing! "

Me: "I thought it was hot! There must have been 500 degrees in there!"

I got headshakes from her sister and her mom, and a "Hey! I'm totally using that!" from her dad. I think I'm in!

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PeterWins
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2015
🚨︎ report
124 dad jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

β€œEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, β€˜The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

β€œI’ll call you later!”- β€œPlease don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

β€œMy dad literally told me this one last week: β€˜Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”

β€œWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, β€˜No, just leave it in the carton!’”

I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: β€œWow, that’s coincidental.”

I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.

β€œMe: β€˜Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: β€˜Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”

β€œI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

β€œHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it

β€œWhat’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: β€œDon’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: β€œNo, it’s a math problem.”

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 39
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/weeb123xD
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Two antennas got married...

The ceremony was ok, but the reception was excellent.

πŸ‘︎ 164
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Scoopski-Potatoes
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Two TV aerials got married. The ceremony was rubbish but...

... the reception was great.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cwwspurs
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2019
🚨︎ report
What did you think of the two antennas’ wedding?

The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was great!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ballsquancher
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to a wedding for two antennas

The ceremony was awful, but the reception was great .

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sammamach
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the two antennas that got married?

The ceremony wasn’t bad, but the reception was fantastic!

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rv0827
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.

The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Shadeauxmarie
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the two antennas that got married?

The ceremony was okay, but the reception was great.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/afranc72
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.

The ceremony was simple, but the reception was excellent!

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Perigeesus
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Two entenas fell in love on a roof and got married.

The ceremony wasn't that great, but the reception was amazing!

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Gearidall_M_Grey
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2019
🚨︎ report
Two antennas fell in love..

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
🚨︎ report
Two antennas met on a rooftop, fell in love and got married...

The ceremony wasn’t much but the reception was incredible!

πŸ‘︎ 84
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/EatBrod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Two antennas met on the roof...

They fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DANG3R_1204
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2018
🚨︎ report
Two antennae fell in love and got married

The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was incredible!!!

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Da_Po-Ta-Toe
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2019
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.