A girl came into my bookstore and asked "What are the chances you have a book on curing eating disorders with religion?"
Slim to Nun?
(Incidentally this is a true story and I got yelled at)
My daughter came into my "home office" (closet) and said, "You wanna hear a joke?" I told her that I did
Daughter: "Quarantine."
Me: . . .
Daughter: "You don't get it. It's an inside joke."
Some woman came up to me today and said she knew me from a vegan group
Which was really weird because I’ve never met herbivore
just came across this pun thread from an eternity ago, seriously,, it was worth Peru-sing
I didn't realize my phone came with noface detection
My 7 y/o told me this one tonight: What did the manager say when he came out of the closet?
My wife came up to me and said "I'm pregnant"
I said "Hi pregnant, I'm going to be Dad"
My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. "What are you doing?" she asked him. "I'm going to have a bake sale to buy a car," he answered. "Where on earth did you get that idea? We're in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!" He said...
"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."
My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but wasn’t awarded a gold medal.
The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and said, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
Shout out to whoever first came up with the idea to shred cheese.
I was reading a novel earlier when my daughter came up to me and asked why the book was so thick.
I was taking a walk this morning and this shrubbery came out of nowhere!
My grandpa came to me and said, "I don't know what to do with these socks with holes!"
When I came home today my wife had some Little Debbie Zerbra Cakes on the counter. I pick one up and say "A Zebra Cake?"
"Don't mind if I Zoo."
She just gave me a glare and went back to what she was doing.
Totally worth it.
My 9yr old came up with: How do you greet someone who is laughing quietly?
My wife came to me and said -
My wife comes to me a few days after a great night, and told me, "Honey, I'm kidding"
To which I said, "Hi kidding, I'm Dad", with tears in my eyes
I just came on to see this guy going wild.
It finally came full circle. I got my dad!
He was installing something on the wall and needed me to tell him if it was even.
“Come here gnarcolepsy_, I need your eyeballs.”
“Sorry, I’m using them right now.”
My wife and I are very competitive, but when it came to flamingo impersonation, I didn't stand a chance
She had a leg up the whole time
A bunch of robbers came in and stole all of my soap.
Dirty bastards.
Then the cops came over and did a full report.
They said they got away clean.
What did the overly excited Gardner do when spring finally came?
Just came up with this one
Did you hear about the law office that just won a huge settlement for a dental firm?
They did such a good job, the dentists put them on permanent retainer
I came for for the good CAWS
My wife and I were going through a guided maze and purposefully got lost. We eventually came upon a blue-screened guide sign.
It showed us the error of our ways.
My daughter inadvertantly came up with this one today:
I was putting spray-on sunscreen onto my (not slim) belly and my daughter, seeing the can and not remembering the correct word said, "hey, it's just like grafatty!). I couldn't stop laughing for a solid 5 minutes. I will never be able to put sunscreen on without thinking of that again.
When I came home from my first day at my new job my wife asked me what my new schedule was like. I said it looks like Rihanna...
...because all I can see is work, work, work, work, work...
The horse that came first isn’t mathematically inclined.
It doesn’t count in the first place.
So this cannibal came home late for dinner
So his wife gave him the cold shoulder
My fiancé just said this one. Me: A package came for our cat today.
Fiancé: Oh, I didn't realise she was ordering packages.
Me: She must've gone to the bank to get herself a debit card.
Fiancé: Nah, she just went to the neighbours tree.
Me: Huh?
Fiancé: The local branch.
My dad just came into my room and said:
"We're lucky it didn't snow."
"Why?" I asked
"Imagine shoveling snow in this heat!"
I came up with a good dad joke today
My daughter came through with a dad joke
Dad, what do you call a dog in the sun?
I don't know, what?
A hot dog!
Dude, I just came back from the doctors! He said I have rectal necrosis!
My 4 year old daughter came crying that she couldn't find her Barbie dolls. Apparently, my 2 year old son threw them in fire last night for fun.
While having dinner, I just came to the conclusion that tofu is highly overrated.
I left my laptop outside on the picnic table, and when I came back, the keyboard was covered in ants...
...It took a while to herd them together but I finally got them all under control.
I was driving to a weekend hunting trip when I came to a fork in the road. Sign said bear left...
I came out of the bathroom with a sad look on my face and turned to my wife
"I guess my dad was right after all"
...
"I am full of shit"
My neighbor came over again to tell me about his new lawn, so I told him to get lost.
I’ve heard enough of his sod stories.
Shout out to the guy who came up with the word plethora.
A consultant came in to analyse my business the other day...
He said "sweeping changes had to be made".
The Janitor is not happy
Which came first
I don't know if it's been done before but it's my favorite.
Which came first the chicken or the egg...
[Regardless of answer]
Not according to the rooster.
When I came in at work this morning, my boss told me my breath smelled like wine.
Ofcourse it does! With my salary I can't afford any Champagne!
I remember, when i was a teacher, a student came up and said 'hello teacher, tell me what's my lesson?'
I just looked right through him. Mad world innit.
A wife came home and finds her husband sitting in front of a game of chess....
...with a raw egg propped up on the other side.
She asks: "What are you doing?"
He responds: "Well this pancake recipe says I need one beaten egg..."
"So... you decided to play it in a chess game?"
"Well yeah, but the darn egg keeps winning!"
Not sure if this fits, but my younger brother came up to me and said "did you know beetles can't get back to their feet if they are on their back"
I'm immediately rolled on my back and started shouting
"Ringo, Paul help I've landed on my back again. Help"
After waiting for an hour at the doctor's office the nurse came by and said sorry for the wait...
To which I replied, "No problem, I'm patient."
A young man was walking through town when he came across a fishing supply store.
His father had never taught him to fish, and he always wanted to give it a shot. He glanced in the window and saw a beautiful new fishing rod on sale for 10% off. After a moment of contemplation, he turned and headed home, quickly forgetting about the fishing rod.
The next day he walked by again and paused, taking another glance in the window. The fishing rod was still there, only it was 30% off now. He took a few minutes to think it over, but decided against it. He hurried along his way.
The next day, he couldn’t get the idea of sitting on the lake fishing out of his mind. He made up an excuse to walk by the store again, and he peered through the big glass window to see the fishing rod still there, only this time it was 60% off. What a deal! The young man decided he would buy some gear and finally learn how to fish. With a newfound excitement in his step, he opened the door and walked into the store. He made a beeline for the fishing rod, eager to get a feel for it in his hands.
Out of nowhere, the store clerk grabbed him from behind and wrestled him to the ground. Shouts and fighting ensued, until the young man finally broke free and stood up, ready to defend himself against another attack. “What in the world are you doing?!?” the young man asked, still trying to catch his breath.
The store clerk motioned to the blinking sign above the door that read, “Bait and Tackle”
Took the family on a whitewater rafting trip, and first time we came to a sudden descent in the river, we lost everything...
That was just one of the downfalls!
My test came back negative!
Too bad it was my IQ test.
My daughter just came home from camp with food poisoning...
... I guess you could call her a Hurl Scout.
My 8 year old came up with this one, I still think about it:
Little Booger: Why are trees green?
Me: Uh, I dunno. Why?
LB: For camouflage!
A guy was having sex in the ocean with his girlfriend when he accidentally came on a dolphin
Turns out He did it on porpoise 🐬
My son came home to find me slumped over the lawn mower crying my eyes out. He shouted over the noise, "You ok, pop?!" I shouted back...
"I'm fine!! I'm just going through a rough patch!"
So this is what i came up with atleast i think I did!
You know why Vladimir keeps getting elected as the president of mother Russia?
Because he be Putin alot of effort! Badum tsss
My daughter came up with this one
Hey, do you know where the farm is?
Just around the CORNer.
Super proud.
Yes, we live in Ohio. All the farms here are corn.
In a freak accident the laboratory sink came to life, made its way to the mad scientist's door and knocked.
Just came across a pun thread on r/dadjokes....thought it belonged here.Enjoy :)
My step-dad came up with this so hope it counts. What do you call a gay farmer?
A pretty young woman came to my door and asked if I wanted super sex
I replied "I'll have soup, please"
I came across this equation on my chemistry test - C2H6O...
Looks like I have an alcohol problem.
I was watching Netflix and eating nachos the other day, when this word came into my mind...
I wood like to know how this joke came to be
I was chatting with a gay friend and this came out
So I heard Avatar came back to Netflix
after being around my dad for 13 years i finally came up with my first dad joke!
what do you say to a potassium based fruit that keeps stealing stuff!? Stop with your banana-gins!
A Viking explorer came home to find his name removed from the town register. When his wife complained, the chief apologized and said,
“I must have taken Lief off my census”.
I was chatting with a gay friend and this came out
My son came up to me and said that a bug was flying around his room, my wife said that he just imagined it.
I said that is justaflyable.
My little sister came to my room with a lighbulb in her mouth. I asked her "what in the world are you doing?"
She said "I'm having a light snack."
Came home with all purpose flour. My wife asked why I didn’t get bread flour.
I told her there wasn’t any, in these times bakers can’t be choosers.
The police came to arrest me after I tried to play my cat like a violin
They are charging me with Kitty Fiddling
The sun came up twice today
2020 came out looking like a warm chocolate chip cookie...
I just came second in my city's big bubble blowing competition
I came so close to winning but I blew it
Did you hear they came up with a new version of tennis?
They're calling it elevennis.
My daughter came up to me and gave me a high five, then smiled and walked away
Without giving me a bye five. :(
I came across a list of ingredients to make plastic explosives.
I thought to myself, "Boy this looks like a real recipe for disaster!"
My child came up to me and asked where her shoes were because she didn't want to go outside with barefeet
"BEAR FEET?!?! I only have human feet", I replied
My friend with ADD came up to me...
And he had recently got a job at a orange juice factory. But he said it’s really hard for him to concentrate
I'm not gay, but one time I was in a wild mood and let a guy jack off into my face. I don't even know if it was a guy tbh, it hardly even looked human. Idk what came over me
A few minutes ago, I came to the conclusion that tofu is overrated.
My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but he wasn’t given the gold medal.
The Chinese authorities refuse to recognize Ty Won.
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