A man rushed into a Doctor's surgery, shouting ' help me please, I'm shrinking ' The Doctor calmly said ' now settle down a bit '..

..' you'll just have to learn to be a little patient '

πŸ‘οΈŽ 558
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 16 2021
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If you have ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly

Because communication is key

Edit: it's from here, so please give the op credit

πŸ‘οΈŽ 12k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/chizhi1234
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 12 2021
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My wife shouted, "You need to do more chores around the house!" Groaning, I pleaded, "Can we change the subject?" She smiled and calmly replied...

"Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you."

πŸ‘οΈŽ 81
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 19 2021
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My daughter called me in a panic and asked, "Dad! My car just broke down! What should I do!?" I replied calmly...

"Whisper it some words of encouragement!"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 49
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 08 2020
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When I die, I want to go peacefully and calmly in my sleep...

Not screaming like everyone else in the car.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 38
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/OilPhilter
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 23 2019
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A patient bursts into a doctor’s office, "Doctor, I believe I'm a deck of cards!" The doctor calmly replies, "Go sit in the waiting room, please, I'll be dealing with you later." short-funny.com/best-puns…
πŸ‘οΈŽ 14
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/moses10960
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 10 2017
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How do you calm a small child who likes astronomy?

You ROCKET to sleep.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 20
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/mradventureshoes21
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 24 2021
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why are skeletons so calm

cause nothing gets under their skin ah ah ah ah ah ah

πŸ‘οΈŽ 36
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/somebodyhelpmeimbe
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 07 2021
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Keeping tropical fish at home can have a calming effect on the brain

Due to all the indoor fins

πŸ‘οΈŽ 48
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/jp_mclovin
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 22 2021
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Doctor: Calm down, David. This is a very simple procedure.

Me: I’m not David.

Doctor: I know. I’m David.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 30
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 05 2021
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What did the electrician say to calm down?

Ohmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

πŸ‘οΈŽ 14
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/TechnoGamer16
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 01 2021
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Why do weighted blankets calm you down?

Because compression is the opposite of tension!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/andnat12
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 16 2021
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Mom here but hope you like it. Why do skeletons stay calm?

Nothing gets under their skin

πŸ‘οΈŽ 38
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/skydiamond01
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 26 2021
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Do you know why Jimmy Neutron is always calm?

He has no charge.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/awesomegaming1
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 10 2021
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This pun is a Cut above the rest
πŸ‘οΈŽ 7k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Pablocaz
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 16 2020
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Bob Dylan didn't seem surprised when a boulder fell off a mountain on top of his house.

He calmly said it was just like a rolling stone.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/TheAzrael2013
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 16 2021
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Why is water sometimes calm and peaceful, and others it's a terrifying tidal wave?

It can't help itself- its dipolar.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Perigeesus
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 21 2020
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The Egyptian government has asked Cairo’s taxi drivers to drive around and sound their horns in the hope that familiar sounds will help calm the residents following the pandemic.

Operation Toot And Calm β€˜Em will last a week.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/vbloke
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 28 2020
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How do you calm down a grammar Nazi?

Give them a gentle pat on the back and say, "Their, There, They're."

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/icemage27
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 05 2020
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How does a military dad alert his son that a hot lady is nearby?

A-TEN-SON!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 1k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Packaging69
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 02 2021
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How do you use a remote control to calm down a robot dog?

Press the paws button.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/MGreenMN
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 31 2020
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I don’t usually go grocery shopping, so when my mom asked to buy lettuce, I had to tell myself to romaine calm
πŸ‘οΈŽ 26
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/timmehthekid
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 23 2020
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A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"

"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."

"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."

πŸ‘οΈŽ 12k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 10 2021
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What’s angry, calm and white?

My bi-polar bear.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 103
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/jlionbad
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 15 2020
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What do you call a calm person who moves around a lot?

A no-mad

πŸ‘οΈŽ 11
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/RD1K
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 29 2020
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Why should you stay calm when meeting a hungry cannibal?

Because it's no good getting in a stew.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 11
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/YaBoi245
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 15 2020
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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

show more
πŸ‘οΈŽ 12k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 05 2020
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Keep Calm
πŸ‘οΈŽ 18
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Antonio_877
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 03 2020
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Did you hear about the italian chef that died?

He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. Theres nutelling what can happen next... His legacy will become a pizza history. Here today, gone tomato. I can only espress-so much grief, but lettuce romaine calm. How sad that he ran out of thyme. Ashes to ashes, crust to crust. There's just not mushroom left for italian chefs in this world... Sending olive my prayers to his family. His wife is really upset, cheese still not over it... You never sausage a tragic thing. Its such a shame good people die fusilli reasons. It was a farfalle from grace... My condolences for Roberto, who died in the spaghetto. May he rest in yeastπŸ™πŸ»β€οΈ

Wow! Im so glad so many people laughed at this joke, I got so much happy feedback from everyone lol thank u sm for all the rewards and upvotes, my week couldnt get better!😁

πŸ‘οΈŽ 18k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/iLoveRaviolis
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 27 2020
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Lettuce Romaine Calm
πŸ‘οΈŽ 54
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/SurvivalPanda123
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 27 2019
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Everybody stay calm
πŸ‘οΈŽ 27
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/AlinMaior
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 05 2020
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Okay, seriously people, calm down. There's no need to tailgate me when I'm doing 120 mph, over twice the legal speed limit. Just pass me already.

Oh, and by the way, those flashing lights on top of your car look really stupid.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 17
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/acromantulus
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 15 2020
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I calmed down our toddlers and wanted praise from my wife.

She said I’m not giving you a consolation prize.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/TennisADHD
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 21 2020
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If you ever get locked out of the house, talk to the lock calmly

Communication is key

πŸ‘οΈŽ 36
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/havenotredditt
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 16 2021
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A Man rushed into a Doctor's office shouting ' help me Doctor, I'm shrinking' The Doctor calmly said ' Now settle down a bit '..

.. you'll just have to learn to be a little patient.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 58
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 06 2021
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If you ever lock yourself out of your house, just talk to the lock calmly.

Because communication is key.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/DGNOLA12
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 18 2020
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If you ever get locked out your house, talk to your lock calmly

Because communication is key.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 59
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Bigchungaswholsome
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 21 2020
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If you ever get locked out of your home, sit down and talk to the lock calmly

Because communication is key

πŸ‘οΈŽ 60
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 10 2020
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If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to you lock calmly because

Communication is key

πŸ‘οΈŽ 104
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/OMEN786
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 27 2019
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Why are skeletons always so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin

πŸ‘οΈŽ 30
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Oreisan
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 06 2021
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How did the skeleton remain calm

Because nothing gets under there skin

πŸ‘οΈŽ 13
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/The_Fox1984
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 09 2021
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Why are skeletons so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 18
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Anddditburns
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 11 2020
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Why are skeletons so calm

Because nothing gets under their skin

πŸ‘οΈŽ 17
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/the_soviet_union_69
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 15 2020
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Keeping tropical fish at home can have a calming effect on the brain

Due to all the indoor fins.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 28
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Messicanhero
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 10 2020
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Why does keeping a fish aquarium calm the brain?

All the indoor fins.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 46
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/JadedByEntropy
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 18 2020
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Keeping tropical fish in your home has a calming effect on the brain because...

...of the indoor fins...

πŸ‘οΈŽ 12
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 23 2020
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Why are skeletons so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 94
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/kmas_2006
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 06 2019
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