A man rushed into a Doctor's surgery, shouting ' help me please, I'm shrinking ' The Doctor calmly said ' now settle down a bit '..

..' you'll just have to learn to be a little patient '

πŸ‘︎ 558
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2021
🚨︎ report
If you have ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly

Because communication is key

Edit: it's from here, so please give the op credit

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chizhi1234
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife shouted, "You need to do more chores around the house!" Groaning, I pleaded, "Can we change the subject?" She smiled and calmly replied...

"Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you."

πŸ‘︎ 81
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2021
🚨︎ report
My daughter called me in a panic and asked, "Dad! My car just broke down! What should I do!?" I replied calmly...

"Whisper it some words of encouragement!"

πŸ‘︎ 49
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
🚨︎ report
When I die, I want to go peacefully and calmly in my sleep...

Not screaming like everyone else in the car.

πŸ‘︎ 38
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OilPhilter
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2019
🚨︎ report
A patient bursts into a doctor’s office, "Doctor, I believe I'm a deck of cards!" The doctor calmly replies, "Go sit in the waiting room, please, I'll be dealing with you later." short-funny.com/best-puns…
πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/moses10960
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2017
🚨︎ report
How do you calm a small child who likes astronomy?

You ROCKET to sleep.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2021
🚨︎ report
why are skeletons so calm

cause nothing gets under their skin ah ah ah ah ah ah

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2021
🚨︎ report
Keeping tropical fish at home can have a calming effect on the brain

Due to all the indoor fins

πŸ‘︎ 48
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jp_mclovin
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2021
🚨︎ report
Doctor: Calm down, David. This is a very simple procedure.

Me: I’m not David.

Doctor: I know. I’m David.

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the electrician say to calm down?

Ohmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TechnoGamer16
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Why do weighted blankets calm you down?

Because compression is the opposite of tension!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/andnat12
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2021
🚨︎ report
Mom here but hope you like it. Why do skeletons stay calm?

Nothing gets under their skin

πŸ‘︎ 38
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/skydiamond01
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2021
🚨︎ report
Do you know why Jimmy Neutron is always calm?

He has no charge.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/awesomegaming1
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2021
🚨︎ report
This pun is a Cut above the rest
πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Pablocaz
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Bob Dylan didn't seem surprised when a boulder fell off a mountain on top of his house.

He calmly said it was just like a rolling stone.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheAzrael2013
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2021
🚨︎ report
Why is water sometimes calm and peaceful, and others it's a terrifying tidal wave?

It can't help itself- its dipolar.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Perigeesus
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
The Egyptian government has asked Cairo’s taxi drivers to drive around and sound their horns in the hope that familiar sounds will help calm the residents following the pandemic.

Operation Toot And Calm β€˜Em will last a week.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/vbloke
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you calm down a grammar Nazi?

Give them a gentle pat on the back and say, "Their, There, They're."

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/icemage27
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
How does a military dad alert his son that a hot lady is nearby?

A-TEN-SON!

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Packaging69
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
🚨︎ report
How do you use a remote control to calm down a robot dog?

Press the paws button.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MGreenMN
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2020
🚨︎ report
I don’t usually go grocery shopping, so when my mom asked to buy lettuce, I had to tell myself to romaine calm
πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/timmehthekid
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2020
🚨︎ report
A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"

"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."

"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
What’s angry, calm and white?

My bi-polar bear.

πŸ‘︎ 103
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jlionbad
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a calm person who moves around a lot?

A no-mad

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RD1K
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Why should you stay calm when meeting a hungry cannibal?

Because it's no good getting in a stew.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/YaBoi245
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Keep Calm
πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Antonio_877
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the italian chef that died?

He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. Theres nutelling what can happen next... His legacy will become a pizza history. Here today, gone tomato. I can only espress-so much grief, but lettuce romaine calm. How sad that he ran out of thyme. Ashes to ashes, crust to crust. There's just not mushroom left for italian chefs in this world... Sending olive my prayers to his family. His wife is really upset, cheese still not over it... You never sausage a tragic thing. Its such a shame good people die fusilli reasons. It was a farfalle from grace... My condolences for Roberto, who died in the spaghetto. May he rest in yeastπŸ™πŸ»β€οΈ

Wow! Im so glad so many people laughed at this joke, I got so much happy feedback from everyone lol thank u sm for all the rewards and upvotes, my week couldnt get better!😁

πŸ‘︎ 18k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/iLoveRaviolis
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Lettuce Romaine Calm
πŸ‘︎ 54
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SurvivalPanda123
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Everybody stay calm
πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AlinMaior
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Okay, seriously people, calm down. There's no need to tailgate me when I'm doing 120 mph, over twice the legal speed limit. Just pass me already.

Oh, and by the way, those flashing lights on top of your car look really stupid.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/acromantulus
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I calmed down our toddlers and wanted praise from my wife.

She said I’m not giving you a consolation prize.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TennisADHD
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2020
🚨︎ report
If you ever get locked out of the house, talk to the lock calmly

Communication is key

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/havenotredditt
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
🚨︎ report
A Man rushed into a Doctor's office shouting ' help me Doctor, I'm shrinking' The Doctor calmly said ' Now settle down a bit '..

.. you'll just have to learn to be a little patient.

πŸ‘︎ 58
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
🚨︎ report
If you ever lock yourself out of your house, just talk to the lock calmly.

Because communication is key.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DGNOLA12
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2020
🚨︎ report
If you ever get locked out your house, talk to your lock calmly

Because communication is key.

πŸ‘︎ 59
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
🚨︎ report
If you ever get locked out of your home, sit down and talk to the lock calmly

Because communication is key

πŸ‘︎ 60
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
🚨︎ report
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to you lock calmly because

Communication is key

πŸ‘︎ 104
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OMEN786
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Why are skeletons always so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Oreisan
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2021
🚨︎ report
How did the skeleton remain calm

Because nothing gets under there skin

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Fox1984
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2021
🚨︎ report
Why are skeletons so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Anddditburns
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Why are skeletons so calm

Because nothing gets under their skin

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Keeping tropical fish at home can have a calming effect on the brain

Due to all the indoor fins.

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Messicanhero
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Why does keeping a fish aquarium calm the brain?

All the indoor fins.

πŸ‘︎ 46
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JadedByEntropy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Keeping tropical fish in your home has a calming effect on the brain because...

...of the indoor fins...

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Why are skeletons so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin.

πŸ‘︎ 94
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kmas_2006
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2019
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.