I call my wife Doe and she calls me Buck. My friend thought this was weird, so I had to explain...

They're terms of endeerment.

πŸ‘︎ 77
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DavidkDavid
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2021
🚨︎ report
9yo shared this one with me: What do you call a cow who just had a baby?

De-calf-inated!

Edit: it's been pointed out some people pronounce calf as cālf, so its taking a second. Pronounce it like decaffeinated coffee.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Oliumzen
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
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My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."

"A TOE TRUCK!!??"

πŸ‘︎ 262
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2021
🚨︎ report
I once had a dyslexic chemist call me out on my bullshit.

He called me a hypochlorite.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/funsized_fireball
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2021
🚨︎ report
My friends call me weird, but on the other hand,

There's 5 fingers

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xtilexx
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2021
🚨︎ report
A girl fell in front of me and was very severely injured. She said "Call me an ambulance!"

I whispered in her ear "You're an ambulance"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iNeedHealing24_7
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2021
🚨︎ report
My son told me to call him Judith from now on. I told him to call me See Through

Because I’m trans parent.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MaggelPlop
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife told me, β€œ Don’t get upset if someone calls you fat.”

β€œYou’re much bigger than that.”

πŸ‘︎ 127
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Merlin-5
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
🚨︎ report
Daughter, showing me a drawing: What do you think I should call my dolphin?

Me: β€œMaybe Shark”?

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HiFiGuy197
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2021
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Husband: Excuse me, I have to call my client quickly

My response: why did he change his name to quickly?

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/amylouise0185
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2021
🚨︎ report
I never played football but people used to call me Messi.

Ah! I guess, I should clean my room.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/elonlawn
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2021
🚨︎ report
My dog just ignores me when I call him...

Ever since he got that phone, he acts like he doesn't need ne anymore.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Me: *grabs chest* Quick! Call me an ambulance

Son: You’re an ambulance.

Me: I’m.... I’m so proud of you.

dies

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2021
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I put on 30 jackets one on top of the other, someone calls me and asks me to go out, I said I can’t ...

I’ve got a lot on.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UltimateAnemone
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife told me, β€œYou shouldn’t take it personally if people call you fat...”

...”You are much bigger than that.”

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
The sky looked a bit foreboding this morning, so I asked Siri "Surely it's not going to rain today?" Siri replied "It is, and don't call me Shirley."

I must have left my phone in Airplane mode.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2021
🚨︎ report
People call me self centered

But that's enough about them

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
🚨︎ report
Call me crazy,

but that’s not my name and I will not answer to it.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/King_Arthur24
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
🚨︎ report
my son introduced me to dark humor the other day, i don't know why they call it "dark humor"

because they lighten me up

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GreenPhoenix14
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call the Mini-Me of your mother?

Minimum

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Albus_Veritas
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife said there was a large fly buzzing around our bedroom and told me to go kill it. I rolled my eyes and said she should call 911. She asked why.

I responded: So they can send the swat team.

πŸ‘︎ 454
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OfficerBarbier
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do people call me Santa?

Cuz I get all the ho ho hos!

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ApeGoOuoh
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife was going into labor and kept frantically shouting, "Call me an ambulance! Call me an ambulance!"

So I said, "You're an ambulance."

What a strange thing to say

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/icemage27
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
🚨︎ report
A lumberjack walks into an enchanted forest. As he goes to chop down a tree, it calls out. "Wait, don't chop me down. I'm a talking tree!"

The lumberjack smiles. "And you will dialogue."

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ReaperWright88
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Friend - Hey man could you call for some flowers for me from online?

Me - Yeah sure bro I will cauliflowers.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pranavbrijwani
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I’m Theodore, but women use to call me...

...UnsoliciTed

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
🚨︎ report
We have a joke calendar and we missed this week, my wife was having me guess the answers and we ended up accidentally creating this gem: what do you call a cow that was just born?

A mooborn!

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Singular1st
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife is constantly changing her name, but gets mad at me when I call her the new name.

Sometimes it's hungry, sometimes it's tired, sometimes it's angry. Please help.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jdabby32
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2019
🚨︎ report
I just received a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my old clothes to the starving people around the world...

I told them, "Anyone who fits into my clothes, certainly isn't starving. "

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Best Friend: β€œWhy aren’t you dating anyone?” Me: β€œCall Me John”

β€œCause I ain’t Cena girl worth my time yet”

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FlintTheDad
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I love taking pictures of my son, so much most people call me

his personal 'Papa'razzi.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/8Dinglehopper8
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Woman on the floor: help! Someone call me an ambulance

Me: Hi ambulance.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/saugatRJ
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife calls me a lumberjack

Cause i use axe.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/777-Tlow
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
🚨︎ report
β€œWhat do you call a corgi who goes undercover?” (drawn by: me)
πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lemiller96
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
🚨︎ report
My son was rejected from Indiana University. Feeling persistent, he asked me if he should call one of the advisors and plead for admission.

I told him beggars can’t be Hoosiers.

πŸ‘︎ 279
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zedhead0628
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I'M DYING! CALL ME AN AMBULANCE!

You are an ambulance

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShinyIsaac250
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2020
🚨︎ report
You can call me a butler

Because I dress the salad.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/silentdumbarse
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
🚨︎ report
They call me "The Pharoh" in bed...

...Because I turned my lady into a mummy!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cblaskin
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Quick Guys! Call me a doctor!

I got my PhD

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChrisLSR
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2020
🚨︎ report
My name’s David, but my Chinese friends call me Dawei.

I guess that’s just dawei it is.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/deceze
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Mom: "Help! I'm hurt! Hurry, call me an ambulance!"

Dad: You're an ambulance.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/icemage27
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
🚨︎ report
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."

"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"

πŸ‘︎ 176
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."

"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"

πŸ‘︎ 18k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Me - Dad could you call for some flowers for me from online?

Dad - Yeah sure son I would cauliflowers.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pranavbrijwani
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report

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