I call my wife Doe and she calls me Buck. My friend thought this was weird, so I had to explain...
They're terms of endeerment.
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︎ Apr 17 2021
9yo shared this one with me: What do you call a cow who just had a baby?
De-calf-inated!
Edit: it's been pointed out some people pronounce calf as cΔlf, so its taking a second. Pronounce it like decaffeinated coffee.
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︎ Feb 24 2021
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
π︎ 262
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︎ Mar 24 2021
I once had a dyslexic chemist call me out on my bullshit.
He called me a hypochlorite.
π︎ 3
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︎ Apr 19 2021
My friends call me weird, but on the other hand,
π︎ 11
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︎ Apr 25 2021
A girl fell in front of me and was very severely injured. She said "Call me an ambulance!"
I whispered in her ear "You're an ambulance"
π︎ 7
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︎ Apr 11 2021
My son told me to call him Judith from now on. I told him to call me See Through
Because Iβm trans parent.
π︎ 9
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︎ Apr 04 2021
My wife told me, β Donβt get upset if someone calls you fat.β
βYouβre much bigger than that.β
π︎ 127
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︎ Feb 12 2021
Daughter, showing me a drawing: What do you think I should call my dolphin?
π︎ 5
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︎ Mar 14 2021
Husband: Excuse me, I have to call my client quickly
My response: why did he change his name to quickly?
π︎ 2
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︎ Mar 18 2021
I never played football but people used to call me Messi.
Ah! I guess, I should clean my room.
π︎ 7
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︎ Feb 15 2021
My dog just ignores me when I call him...
Ever since he got that phone, he acts like he doesn't need ne anymore.
π︎ 9
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︎ Mar 05 2021
Me: *grabs chest* Quick! Call me an ambulance
Son: Youβre an ambulance.
Me: Iβm.... Iβm so proud of you.
dies
π︎ 33
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︎ Feb 17 2021
I put on 30 jackets one on top of the other, someone calls me and asks me to go out, I said I canβt ...
π︎ 2
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︎ Feb 25 2021
My wife told me, βYou shouldnβt take it personally if people call you fat...β
...βYou are much bigger than that.β
π︎ 48
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︎ Jan 03 2021
The sky looked a bit foreboding this morning, so I asked Siri "Surely it's not going to rain today?" Siri replied "It is, and don't call me Shirley."
I must have left my phone in Airplane mode.
π︎ 3
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︎ Feb 01 2021
People call me self centered
But that's enough about them
π︎ 25
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︎ Jan 12 2021
Call me crazy,
but thatβs not my name and I will not answer to it.
π︎ 7
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︎ Jan 19 2021
my son introduced me to dark humor the other day, i don't know why they call it "dark humor"
because they lighten me up
π︎ 11
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︎ Jan 09 2021
What do you call the Mini-Me of your mother?
π︎ 10
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︎ Jan 04 2021
My wife said there was a large fly buzzing around our bedroom and told me to go kill it. I rolled my eyes and said she should call 911. She asked why.
I responded: So they can send the swat team.
π︎ 454
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︎ Sep 18 2020
Why do people call me Santa?
Cuz I get all the ho ho hos!
π︎ 11
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︎ Dec 11 2020
My wife was going into labor and kept frantically shouting, "Call me an ambulance! Call me an ambulance!"
So I said, "You're an ambulance."
What a strange thing to say
π︎ 8
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︎ Dec 26 2020
A lumberjack walks into an enchanted forest. As he goes to chop down a tree, it calls out. "Wait, don't chop me down. I'm a talking tree!"
The lumberjack smiles. "And you will dialogue."
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︎ Oct 14 2020
Friend - Hey man could you call for some flowers for me from online?
Me - Yeah sure bro I will cauliflowers.
π︎ 3
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︎ Nov 18 2020
Iβm Theodore, but women use to call me...
π︎ 11
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︎ Dec 09 2020
We have a joke calendar and we missed this week, my wife was having me guess the answers and we ended up accidentally creating this gem: what do you call a cow that was just born?
π︎ 41
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︎ Sep 24 2020
My wife is constantly changing her name, but gets mad at me when I call her the new name.
Sometimes it's hungry, sometimes it's tired, sometimes it's angry. Please help.
π︎ 9k
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︎ Dec 29 2019
I just received a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my old clothes to the starving people around the world...
I told them, "Anyone who fits into my clothes, certainly isn't starving. "
π︎ 4
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︎ Dec 17 2020
Best Friend: βWhy arenβt you dating anyone?β Me: βCall Me Johnβ
βCause I ainβt Cena girl worth my time yetβ
π︎ 2
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︎ Dec 16 2020
I love taking pictures of my son, so much most people call me
his personal 'Papa'razzi.
π︎ 10
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︎ Nov 16 2020
Woman on the floor: help! Someone call me an ambulance
π︎ 3
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︎ Nov 27 2020
My wife calls me a lumberjack
π︎ 3
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︎ Nov 30 2020
βWhat do you call a corgi who goes undercover?β (drawn by: me)
π︎ 46
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︎ Jun 24 2020
My son was rejected from Indiana University. Feeling persistent, he asked me if he should call one of the advisors and plead for admission.
I told him beggars canβt be Hoosiers.
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︎ Jun 16 2020
I'M DYING! CALL ME AN AMBULANCE!
π︎ 9
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︎ Sep 02 2020
You can call me a butler
Because I dress the salad.
π︎ 8
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︎ Oct 09 2020
They call me "The Pharoh" in bed...
...Because I turned my lady into a mummy!
π︎ 8
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︎ Sep 13 2020
Quick Guys! Call me a doctor!
π︎ 4
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︎ Aug 31 2020
My nameβs David, but my Chinese friends call me Dawei.
I guess thatβs just dawei it is.
π︎ 25
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︎ Jul 29 2020
Mom: "Help! I'm hurt! Hurry, call me an ambulance!"
Dad: You're an ambulance.
π︎ 6
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︎ Oct 01 2020
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
π︎ 176
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︎ Dec 18 2020
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
π︎ 18k
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︎ Jun 22 2020
Me - Dad could you call for some flowers for me from online?
Dad - Yeah sure son I would cauliflowers.
π︎ 5
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︎ Nov 18 2020
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