Broad A Puns

My imagination is full of broads.

Hes quite the whisk taker

It was your mother

"I thought about going into broadcasting, but I couldn't throw the women very far..."

When the interview was over the interviewer told him that all applicants had to complete a test. The interviewer took a piece of paper and drew six vertical lines in pairs of two on the paper and placed it in front of the Irishman.

“Could you please show me a clever way to make this into nine?”

After thinking for a while the Irishman took the pencil and drew a canopy of leaves on top of the three pairs of lines, and handed the paper back to the interviewer.

The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: “But that is not nine!”

“Oh yes it is”, said the Irishman with a broad Irish accent, “Tree + Tree + Tree make nine!”

The interviewer handed the paper back to the Irishman and asked him to make it 99.

After thinking for a long while the Irishman scribbled up and down the trunks and handed the paper back to the interviewer.

The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: “But that is not ninety-nine!”

“Oh yes it is”, said the Irishman, “Dirty tree + dirty tree + dirty tree make ninety-nine.”

The interviewer was now a bit cheesed off so he decided to do the Irishman once and for all, therefore, he handed the paper back to the Irishman and asked him to make it 100.

After thinking for a considerably longer time the Irishman suddenly grabbed the pencil and drew a little blop on the bottom right-hand side of each three and handed the paper back to the interviewer.

The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: “But that is not 100!”

“Oh yes it most certainly is”, said the Irishman with a much broader Irish accent,

“Dirty tree and a turd + dirty tree and turd + dirty tree and a turd, make a 100

They go through countless papers to no avail, until finally one of them finds one that holds the information they seek.

"I think this one might contain the answers we need!" the first scientist says

He reads the abstract, it's on point

He goes through the main body of the text, and finds it extraordinarily enlightening

But before he gets to the end, a gust of wind blows the last few pages over the river.

"Oh no, I really wanted to read their summary" he says.

The other scientist goes: "The river is broad, surely I can hop over it"

"I think that's a bad idea" the first scientist says

"Why?" asks the second scientist

"Well, we were always taught that we should not jump to conclusions"

Edit: changed a word

I want everyone to listen up because this has been brewing in my head since it happened on Tuesday.

A few days ago (because it was Tuesday and today it is Friday) I saw an opossum... or is it a opossum because I think the "o" is silent and obviously that's how I'd say it out loud...? We're gonna go with "an."

Anyways, the other day I saw an opossum wandering around my apartment complex in broad daylight. Now this was crazy to me because I personally had only ever seen these things at night. It was highly irregular by my book. But this just goes to show that nothing. Absolutely NOTHING... is im-possum-ble.

Studying a broad.

A Royal aBroad ?

...would it be a broad generalization?

It has just become clear to me that my parents and I have very different views on the meaning of studying a broad.

One broad day in the middle of the night, 2 dead boys got up to fight! Back-to-back they faced each other, they drew their swords and shot each other. A deaf policeman heard the noise so he came and shot the 2 dead boys, if you don't believe my story is true ask the blind man he saw it too!

Me: "Hey dad, I think I would like to teach abroad one day. What do you think?"

Dad: "Why? We got a broad right here!"

[Points at my mother]

Dad: "She's got a lot to learn too."

Being a father of my own, I'm still envious of the masterful skill in which my dad can come up with his material. While driving down the interstate, a Miller Lite truck pulls out in front of us, more quickly than he should. My dad swerved to the left to avoid my door from getting broad sided by a tractor trailer. I yelled from being startled.

Me: He almost hit us!

Dad: We're fine. I can handle this.

Me: He almost totaled the car! What if he had hit us? I could be dead!

Dad: Nah, you would've been fine. It was Lite beer.

Me: (jaw dropped in awe and amazement)

But that’s just a Broad generalization

My friend and I were talking about his sister who is studying abroad in France, with out missing a beat my dad says yeah I studied a broad or two in my day

I’ll be studying a broad.

The sun shone into my office through the lowered blinds all clumsy like, fumbling through the gaps between the venetian slats like a drunk fishing for loose change in his pockets; trying to see if he has money enough for one last drink or maybe the bus ride home.

The dame looked me up and down, clearly disappointed by what sat in front of her. I didn’t blame her. Three days of salt and pepper stubble clung to my my crude boxer’s jaw and the bags under my eyes were so big half the bums downtown could sleep in there and not even know anyone else was with 'em. That was ok. This broad wasn’t hiring me for my looks and I wasn’t looking to her for approval. We both knew what brought her in here, it was the name on the door.

Max Dad P.I. - that’s me. Private Investigator’s sure not the profession my mother would have picked out for me, but it keeps me in whisky and it keeps a roof over my head and that’ll do for now. The dame parted those cherry red lips of hers as she took another pull on that just-lit cigarette and nervously stubbed it out in the ashtray. My eyebrows knit together slightly. I hate seeing things go to waste.

“So as I was saying, Mr Dad,” she began.

“Please, call me Max”

“Alright, Max… well, as I was saying, my bag is missing. Stolen, I think. I urgently need it back. Shall I describe it to you?”

“No that’s alright miss. You got nothing to worry about,” I replied, sliding a bottle out of the desk drawer and pouring a big slug of scotch into to my morning coffee, “I’m sure it’ll be a brief case.”

My dad and I were talking about students going home for spring break, and how if you were from abroad it would be more difficult. Suddenly, his face lit up and he turned to me and said, "Technically, ALL students are from... a broad" and then cracked up.

She enters a ward full of patients, and notices that they’re all dressed in street clothes and have no obvious sign of injury or illness. The Queen approaches a patient and greets him. The patient replies:

“My heart’s in the Highlands, my heart is not here, My heart’s in the Highlands, a-chasing the deer.”

The Queen is confused, but smiles and moves on to greet the next patient. The patient responds:

“Some hae meat an’ canna eat, And some wad eat tha’ want it, But we hae meat an’ we can eat, so let the Lord be thankit.”

Even more confused, and smiling even more broadly, the Queen moves on to the next patient who immediately begins to chant:

“My love is like a red, red rose that’s newly sprung in June; My love is like the melody that’s sweetly played in tune.”

Now very confused, the Queen turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, “Is this a psychiatric ward?”

“No, Your Majesty,” replies the doctor. “This is the serious Burns unit.”

They have studied a broad.

I have a real dad, and a fake dad (my best-friend's stepdad.) I told them both that I wanted to study abroad in the summer.

Real dad: "Why do you want to study abroad? You're already a broad!" Fake dad: "I've studied a broad or two in my day!"

Har. Har.

My sister was looking at some scholarship stuff and she said she would be interested in studying abroad.

Dad says "How about studying a guy instead of a broad?"

Grandfather: So how's school going, do you like all your classes?

Me: Yeah they're fine, I was thinking about studying abroad next semester.

Grandfather: Yeah, I bet you wanna study a lotta broads.

My sister today said "all girls are better than boys"

Without hesitating I responded "that's a broad statement"

So today in my physiology lecture we were talking about muscles and we touched on connective tissue and our prof said something about "broad bands of connective tissue" and I turned to my friend next to me and go "If there's broad bands of connective tissue do you think there's Wi-Fi of connective tissue?". He just sighed and told me he was going to punch me before going back to writing his notes with a look of pure hatred on his face.

(I tried to contain my laughter to his reaction and ended up snorting really loudly like a minute later when I heard him snicker)

My brother started to tell my grandpa about his plan to study abroad in Japan for the summer.

My grandpa asked "Who's the broad?"

I don't even think he meant it as a joke and just misinterpreted, but I can't stop laughing.

We were talking about my semester overseas.

Me: I miss being abroad.

Boyfriend: Oh baby, you're still a broad.

Dad: Anything new, seeing anyone? Did that girl get back in town yet? Me: Nope, just hanging out. She's still abroad. Dad: Well, she's always a broad!

Rather than groan, I then laughed disproportionately. I've become my father...

A lot of them are studying a broad.

My dad and his brother didn't skip a beat when I was talking to them about it.

Dad: "What's her name?"

Uncle talking to me about it later: "So, when are you going to go study that broad?"

me: define a "normal" girl for me

her: normal as in, not me

me: well, that's a pretty broad group.

her: ...

I was talking about how I studied abroad in Italy with my girlfriend

Me: Actually my girlfriend studied abroad too Friends Dad: No. She did a foreign study while you studied a broad.

"Study abroad? I'd study a broad."

Me: But if I go to XYZ Graduate Program, there’s a mandatory study-abroad semester.

Boyfriend: Well why would you do that? You already are a broad.

Me: …

Boyfriend: Yeah, I can’t wait to be a Dad. I’m gunna be awesome at it.

Me: "Yeah, his girlfriend will be studying abroad for a year."

Dad: "Which broad will she be studying?"

.....