Someone said they would bash me with the neck of their guitar

Is that a fret?

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2021
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If you tend sheep then you are a shepherd. If you tend cow then you are.....

The most important Dad at the annual neighborhood end of Summer barbeque bash!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MassGootz
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
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What do you call a speech bashing smells?

A deodor-rant

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gruntkiller
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2017
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Since 2006, there have been eight dwarves in the Disney canon - Grumpy, Happy, Sleepy, Bashful, Sneezy, Dopey, Doc...

... and now Pluto.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheAnagramancer
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2018
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A man and a woman were on their first date.

A man and a woman were on their first date.

β€œSo, I hear you hunt deer,” the woman said.

The man looked away and turned red.

β€œWhat’s wrong?” asked the woman.

The man bashfully replied, β€œI’m not used to someone calling me β€˜dear’ on the first date.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/johaen8
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2020
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I really hate to bash an entire race but...

The Indy 500 is a boring event.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kopextacy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2016
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When you die which body part dies the last?

Your pupils, they dilate.

πŸ‘︎ 91
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-_-STRANGER-_-
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2019
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My girlfriend has a bad habit of bashing the food items I buy at the grocery store...

Spent two hours at the grocery store getting a ton of food so she didn't have to make the trip. What do I get in return?

Text from GF: "This bread sticks to my teeth a lot"

My response: "DOUGH!"

GF: "Ha...... Ha...."

me: "I was hoping you'd LOAF that"

GF: "Where's the cheese emoticon?"

me: "WHEAT a second, I'll try & find one"

GF: "I'm rolling my eyes and shaking my head"

me: "No cheese emoticon... CHIBATTA call Apple & tell em to get on that".

me: "Will butter do instead? Cuz I'm on a ROLL"

No further response... will update if saga continues.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OreoGaborio
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2015
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I got into a car accident with a little person.

He got out and said "I'm not happy"

I said "Well which one are you then ?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2020
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I think my brother is ready for kids.

"Everyone's freaking out that Matt Damon is bourne again, who cares what his religion is. He's just an actor."

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShakesOfMilk
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2014
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I told my daughter I had a confession to make...

She followed me out to the deck, and I confessed to her that I have been smoking grass.

Then I opened the lid on my smoker....

πŸ‘︎ 69
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Drumlin
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2016
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[REQUEST] I need help with a project for school, we are making a party typed game show and need to come up with a name for it.

We want his name to be a part of it, his name is baumwirst. We came up with the baumwirst bash but we think there's something better. Any help?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hippieboy699
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2017
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My dad always brings this one out when guests are over

A guy visiting Australia gets hit by a car and is taken to the ER unconscious. When he comes to, lying on a stretcher, he asks the porter, "Was I brought here to die?".

The porter replies, "No, mate, you were brought here yesterday."

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2014
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So proud of my son

My son was a councilor at a summer camp for kids.

One day he came home from work and told me that he heard me come out of his mouth twice in one day.

Whenever we drove somewhere with the kids, the answer to the inevitable question, "how much longer till we get there", was 20 minutes, whether it was 5 minutes or 5 hours.

So, they were taking a bus load of kids to the baseball stadium and one kid asked, "how much longer till we get there", and my son almost bit his own tongue off when he heard himself say , "20 minutes".

While they were waiting on line to enter the stadium, another kid asked, "How long do we have to wait?" My son answered, "four minutes and 60 seconds." This elicited the response, "That's too long," to which he replied, "well how about five minutes".

He tried to bash his own head against the rocks.

I'm so proud. :-)

πŸ‘︎ 74
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πŸ‘€︎ u/small_e_900
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2013
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The Greatest Infidelity Joke My Grandfather Ever Told Me.

Recently, Joe has been under the slight suspicion that his wife is cheating on him. So, one day he comes home early from work, to his crap-shoot apartment on the eighth floor, and hears her scurrying around when he enters. Almost as if there's another person in the house. When he calls out her name she hollers back that she just ran into the shower. So he investigates the bedroom and encounters a shocking surprise... a pair of hands dangling from the other side of the window sill! Those of a grown man, hanging on for dear life. Infuriated at the sight of the man who's sleeping with his wife, Joe takes the bedside lamp and starts bashing the guy's fingers until he falls eight stories onto the sidewalk. Only he's still alive, writhing and broken. So Joe hauls the refrigerator from the kitchen out the window, sending it down onto the poor sucker, killing him instantly. Now the hysteria of the moment induces a fatal heart attack and Joe himself, dies. So now, as he's up at the pearly gates, St. Peter is telling all the incoming souls that in order to gain access into heaven, they need to provide a solid account of how they died. After hearing Joe's story, St. Peter allows him in. The next man in line says that he was tanning in the sun, drunk, on the roof of his apartment building when he fell off, only to catch hold of a window sill that could have saved his life, until a crazed bastard beat his fingers and threw a refrigerator onto him. St. peter tells him that he's a shoe-in. And when he asks the next guy in line how he ended up deceased, the guy replies, "...So I'm naked in a refrigerator, right?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jazzinassazzin
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2015
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Eyesight test
  1. You will need a few small pieces of paper or 'cards'. Write down a short sentence on each piece starting with a large font and slowly decreasing it as you go. The last piece should have "I can't see" and all of them should be legible from a short distance. Print if you must!
  2. Find a victim friend/child and tell them you have read about an eye test on the internet that you can do at home which will provide an estimate to your eyesight and that you wish to try it on them.
  3. Chances are they will agree. If they're embarrassed their eyesight is bad or similar convince them it doesn't matter. If they are wearing glasses you can ask them to take them off to make your story seem more authentic. Stand a bit away from target (the distance you stand from said person should be enough so they can read all your cards so alter according to their eyesight)
  4. Slowly reveal each card and ask your subject to read them out aloud.
  5. When you reach your final card and they read it out, if they don't suspect anything/get the joke move the card closer and closer until they finally understand.Remember a joke is funnier if you don't tell them, so give them some time to think about what happened! Actions such as slapping your leg, laughing wildly or bashing your fist on the table can help them understand. This is not an actual eyesight test! and use this prank appropriately.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sponge_bob_
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2013
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