My wife and I were woken up at 3am by loud banging on our door. I got up, opened the door and there was a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain, asking for a push. "Are you insane man?!!? It's 3 in the morning!!" I screamed, slamming the door and stormed back to bed...

"Who was that?" asked my wife.

"Just some drunk asking for a push." I grumbled.

"Did you help him?" she asked.

"No, I did NOT! It's 3am and it's pouring rain!"

"Well, you've a short memory." she said. "Don't you remember three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself! Now get out there and help him!"

She had a point, and angrily, I got dressed and went out into the darkness, calling out, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes."

"Do you still need a push?"

"Yes please."

"Where are you?"

"Over here...on the swing."

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
🚨︎ report
Farm machinery nerd

Man who has been going to the same bar for years tells his drinking buddies that he has decided to travel the world to view every farm tractor ever made. They all know his love for farm machinery and are quite relieved to be getting rid of him as he bores them half to death with his knowledge of tractors. 5 years later the man goes back to the bar after traveling the world seeing every tractor he could find. The barman looks at him and enquires as to why he looks so glum after achieving his life ambition, He explains that seeing every tractor has taken the shine off his hobby and he doesn't want or need to see anymore tractors. Just then there's a loud bang and the bar starts filling with smoke. Everyone is panicking except our man back from his travels who tells everyone to not panic and stand back, he then inhales all the smoke walks outside and blows all the smoke away. His buddies are amazed and ask how he managed to do this amazing feat, He explains. Simple I'm An Ex tractor fan.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/orcamarine
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2021
🚨︎ report
Y’all hear about that country barber who accepts venison as payment, but only does bowl cuts?

Says he just wants to give folks the most bangs for their buck.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2021
🚨︎ report
What fruit do robbers bring to the bank?

Bang-nanas.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/3Zkiel
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2021
🚨︎ report
Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I try to make sure I have the noisiest rifle when I go hunting.

It ensures I get a good bang for my Buck.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChaosDragoon89
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2021
🚨︎ report
What is it called when you get a discount on explosives?

More bang for your buck

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/torpedorex
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
🚨︎ report
I once went to a science themed orgy...

it was a big bang.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hardlysure
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
🚨︎ report
People who celebrate Valentine’s Day are stupid

People who celebrate post Valentine’s Day are smart because you get more bang for your buck.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
🚨︎ report
A man is walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:

Bump…

Bump…

Bump…

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

Bump…

Bump…

BUMP…

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home. The casket still bouncing quickly behind him.

Faster…

Faster…

FASTER…

Bump…

Bump…

BUMP…

He runs up to his door, fumbles with the keys, opens the door, rushes in and slams and locks the door behind him.

Rushing up the stairs to his bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding. His head is reeling. His breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup as the casket!

And…

The coffin stops….

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ParadoxXSchock
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Two prawns were swimming around in the sea

One called Justin and the other called Kristian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area:

Finally one day Justin said to Kristian. "I'm fed up with being a prawn. I wish I was a shark and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said. "Your wish is granted" Low and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn..

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam to Kristian's home. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted. "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Kristian replied. "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner." Justin cried back. "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed....... I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Kristian!!.. πŸ€ͺ🀣

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OwenJthomas89
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report
The show Phineas and Ferb came and went like their adventures.

Started with a bang and phineased unexpectedly.

edit: woah my first award. thank you u/LingThingLS

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/archit14
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
13 of my BEST Jokes

I used to be addicted to soap but ... I am clean now.

I am addicted to brake fluid but ... I can stop anytime.

If you are attacked by a group of clowns ... go for the juggler.

I just moved and IMMEDIATELY after we move in he starts banging on my door every night yelling at me ... coincidentally I just happen to be playing my drums those nights so I could easily tune him out.

I was just diagnosed with colorblindness ... It came right out of the purple.

I failed math so many times at school ... I can’t even count.

Once i threw a boomerang, it never came back, ... Now I live in CONSTANT fear

When life gives you melons ... you might be dyslexic.

Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.

My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline ... She hit the ceiling!

There are 3 types of people in this world, those who can count ... and those who can't

They say three out of five people suffer from diarrhea ... so ... does that mean two out of five enjoy it?

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

πŸ‘︎ 87
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Toydles
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
🚨︎ report
A man named Dave. Long joke!

A man named Dave comes home very drunk late at night...

So this guy has been drinking with his buddies all night and he's as drunk as a skunk, gets home, falls up the stairs, undresses and goes to bed next to his wife. He falls asleep and next thing he knows, bang, he dies and finds himself waiting at the pearly gates.

The guy refuses to believe this is happening, he says to St. Peter: "This can't be possible, I'm a healthy man! This is not the way I die. You have to let me return down there!"
The guy can see St. Peter looks like he's feeling sorry for him, but he tells him that unfortunately, there's no policy for allowing people back on Earth. The guy insists: "But come on, there's got to be something you can do! I'll put up with anything, really, as long as you let me go back down."
So St. Peters tells him: "Well really, there's just this one possibility: you can go back, but only as a hen. That's the only thing we can allow." The guy guesses that this really is his only chance, so he agrees reluctantly.
So he's back on Earth in this beautiful chicken coop, the sun is shining, there's green grass everywhere, this is hen paradise. The other hens greet him with delight and he tells them his story, everything goes nicely. But then he feels kind of unwell, there's something wrong with his stomach. He asks this old hen: "Tell me, I've got this weird feeling in my belly, I'm not too well. What is happening to me?"

The old hen: "Well dearie, we hens lay eggs, you know. I bet you've never laid a nice egg before... You need to push it out now, and you'll feel much better after!"
So the guy pushes and pushes, and wham, out pops his first egg. The old hen congratulates him and he feels much better. But not 5 minutes later, his pain comes back. He returns to the old hen for advice.

"Well dearie, it's quite special but it happens that you need to lay TWO eggs, so go back there and keep pushing!"
So he goes back to his nest and pushes, and nothing comes, and he pushes harder, and wham, out comes his second egg! He feels much better, but not 2 minutes later, you guessed it, he's back in terrible pain and goes to see the old hen.

"What's this bullshit here, and don't tell me I've got a third egg to lay!" The old hen can't make head or tail of it and just tells him that when in doubt, he should be pushing. So the guy goes back to work and then, wham, his wife wakes him up with this smashing slap in the face and yells: "*Dave! Dave wake up you’re

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kmaff90
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife locked me out for telling too many corny, obnoxious word play jokes...

Now I’m outside banging and hollering β€˜Oh PUN the door!!!’ β€˜Oh PUN the door!!!’

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
🚨︎ report
How do car engines have sex?

They suck squeeze bang blow

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lobster910
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when Victoria Secret merges with Smith and Wesson?

Titty Titty Bang Bang

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hoshizaki78
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Bad hookup in a car?

Call that Shitty Shitty Bang Bang

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/goooDavis
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
🚨︎ report
An alternative... was that A'Tuin was crawling from the Birthplace to the Time of Mating. When they arrived they would briefly and passionately mate, for the first and only time, and from that fiery union new turtles would be born to carry a new pattern of worlds.

This was known as the Big Bang hypothesis.

Joke by Terry Pratchett, β€˜The Colour of Magic’, Prologue.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WatashiStickKid
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
🚨︎ report
What is the most sexual object in the world?

A door, because it wont stop banging the frame.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirSnuffy
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I tried to trade a deer for fireworks

I want the best bang for my buck

πŸ‘︎ 221
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Matthew_______
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Funny 'Dads Anonymous' story to share for the holiday weekend.

"Welcome everyone to Dads Anonymous. Again my name is Bill and you will notice that we have a new member, please welcome Gary -- Can you tell us what brought you to us today?"

"Well I have a very embarrassing confession. It's even hard to get the words out."

Bill reassures him, "We are all dads here and have been meeting for decades, we've been through all the highs and lows, births and deaths, tragedies, we've heard it all. Just tell us what's on your mind son, we are here to support each other."

"Well, a couple months ago, I broke both my legs in a motorcycle accident and couldn't walk, so I let my wife use the lawnmower." He says through the sobs...

Bob, one of the other dads, starts to get pale. "...and she didn't even cut it in a crisp geometric pattern, it was just random..." Bob starts to sweat and get dry heaves. "YOU BASTARD", he screams. "HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN." The dads rise and get ready to beat the crap out of Gary, when Bill stands between them and breaks it up.

"Guys! Guys, we all get weak sometimes and things happen outside our control. Doug, you remember when you were in recovering from Chemo and you gave your wife a hammer, and she used it to hammer a roofing nail into the drywall to hang a picture!" Doug, looks down in shame, "Yes, that was a bad day, I was so weak. She missed the stud and left a dent in the wall, and she just hung the picture over it, crooked!" There was dead silence. "Thats ok Doug, it was twenty years ago, you were young and foolish, you can let it go". Then all the dads shook hands and sat back down.

Bill starts the meeting up again. Then Gary says, "..theres one more thing, Right after I got out of the hospital, she wanted to make a special dinner for us, so I let her grill the steaks..." "OH LORD THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" screams Dave, another dad, his face turning red. Gary continues "...she burnt them one one side and they were dry and chewy." Now there is a bedlam, one dad immediately passes out cold, chairs are thrown, broken bottles, Gary is on the ground being kicked in the ribs. After a few tense minutes Bill managed to get the dads off of Gary. "Stop it, Dave you're killing him. Come on, you remember that time you let your wife go to the repair shop for an oil change?" Dave hung his head, and muttered yeah. "They convinced her to change the cabin filter, wiper blades and the radiator collant..." Bill kept prodding "and, aaand" ...Dave broke down, "and she bought a jug of blinker fluid!" T

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the redneck bring a bazooka deer hunting?

He wanted to get the biggest bang for his buck.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/timthedriller
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2020
🚨︎ report
How many elephants can you get in a hammerfour?

Whats a Hammerfor?

banging in nails...

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WHisA
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2020
🚨︎ report
GBAN

That's bang out of order.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OliPark
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
🚨︎ report
A friend came up to me today say said β€œBNGA”

I told him that’s bang out of order

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2020
🚨︎ report
What's the best hairstyle for a gun?

Bangs

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stooftheoof
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2020
🚨︎ report
What’s the difference between an engine and my girlfriend?

An engine can suck, squeeze, bang, blow, but my girlfriend can’t as she doesn’t exist.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spacedynasaur
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Let's give it up for the folks fornicating at midnight

It's a great way to start the decade off with a bang.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PreviousHistory
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I don't always hunt deer but when I do, I use dynamite.

That way I get more bang for my buck.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pocketsizedmoon
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2019
🚨︎ report
I took my pet to a deer brothel

Got bang for my buck

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrLazyTiger
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Red man flashing

One day there was a red man in his red house so in the morning he went to have a shower but when he got in to the shower his red sister had to go to the toilet so the red man got his red towel and walked outside because he heard a bang at the door and when he bent over to get the newspaper his towel fell off and a little old lady crossed the road and got hit by a truck, Don’t cross the road while the red man is flashing!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cyproyt
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2018
🚨︎ report
Do you know why some people bang on the side of the ketchup bottle while others bang on the bottom of the ketchup bottle?

Me: No. Why?

Him: To get the ketchup out.

Told to me by my grandfather-in-law as I was banging on the side of the ketchup bottle.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/roonerspize
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2015
🚨︎ report
If you are ever feeling like you don’t know your place in the universe, just remember: You and the universe came from the same thing

A Big Bang

πŸ‘︎ 125
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brentobot
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2018
🚨︎ report
My dad is a bad influence on me...

My line manager just said to me "my friend, he's a chemist, got married to this girl"

Me "don't say it Don't say it Don't say it Don't say it Don't say it Don't say it Don't say it..."

Me, while banging my head against something solid... "There must've been chemistry between them..."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/carltomlinsonuk
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2019
🚨︎ report
I got angry when I saw a sign saying BNAG!

It was bang out of order

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dr-mrl
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2019
🚨︎ report
My boyfriend has turned into a full on Dad

What’s the best part of hunting with a bazooka?

You get more buck for your bang

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/readtherancher
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2019
🚨︎ report
I told my boyfriend that I got an expensive haircut, but they left my bangs too long.

He replied, "too much bang for your buck?"

πŸ‘︎ 917
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πŸ‘€︎ u/allsymbols
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2016
🚨︎ report
I'm fine with people walking into class with a gun

All they wanna do is start their day with a bang!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MonotoneYay
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2018
🚨︎ report
I stopped by the ammo store before going hunting. The clerk told me about their 2 for 1 sale.

β€œMore bang for your buck.”

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoVeryKerry
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2018
🚨︎ report
How many elephants can you get in a hammerfour?

Whats a hammerfour?

BANGING IN NAILS

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/WHisA
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
🚨︎ report
A man is walking home alone late one foggy night

When behind him he hears:

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Walking faster, he looks back and makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street towards him.

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins running home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER

FASTER

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, and slams it shut and locks it behind him.

However, the casket crashes through the door, with the lid of the casket clacking

Clapity-BUMP...

Clapity-BUMP...

Clapity-BUMP...

on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs in the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him

A man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the bottle of cough syrup at the casket and...

The coffin stops.

πŸ‘︎ 48
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Energylegs23
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2018
🚨︎ report
How do you have sex with a pinata?

You bang it.

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BeerGrinch
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2019
🚨︎ report
It was a dark and foggy night

A man is walking home alone one foggy evening, when behind him he faintly hears:

thump...

thump...

thump...

Senses tingling, he begins walking faster only to look back and make out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street towards him.

THUMP...

THUMP...

THUMP...

Terrified, the man begins running home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER

FASTER

THUMP...

THUMP...

THUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, slams it shut and locks it behind him.

However, the casket crashes through the door, and with the lid of the casket clacking on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Clappity-THUMP...

Clappity-THUMP...

Clappity-THUMP...

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH! the casket breaks down the door. Thumping and clapping towards him, the man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws it at the casket and...

The coffin stops.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MysteryOrange7
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2019
🚨︎ report

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