Attempted Suicide Puns

But today I found out jihad

It was breaking noose

Me and my mom were talking about the our kitchen clock, that fell from the wall:

Me: Maybe he just attempted suicide. Mom: Yeah, it was his time.

and I see this girl running back and forth, doing some sort of sport training. I pipe up and say, "this girl is doing suicides."

Now my dad only saw her for a split second running towards the street, which made him say, "More like suicide attempts."

Classic dad

Up next, A Man's Failed Attempt at Suicide.