While at a restaurant, the waitress was totally flirting with me with my wife present. After she walked away, my wife said “She obviously has COVID!” “Why would you think that?” I asked.
“Because she has no taste.”
My wife looked at my son (7) yesterday and told him his shoes were on the wrong feet
Without missing a beat he said "They can't be, these are the only feet I have"
Proud dad moment!
Why can’t two elephants swim at the same time?
They only have a pair of trunks.
-my grandfather, just 5 minutes ago.
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
The salesman at the furniture store told me, “This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.”
I said, “Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”
I think the girl at the Airlines check-in just threatened me.
She looked me dead in the eye and said, “Window or aisle?”
I laughed in her face and replied, “Window or you’ll what?”
Constitutional rights at stake.
Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me
Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
While doing a crossword, the cyclops asked his wife, "How do you spell Hawaii?" Glancing at what he wrote, she replied, "You need two i’s."
Cyclops growled, "My life is just a big joke to you, isn’t it!?"
The mayor in my city just passed law that male best friends have to have lunch together at least once a week
Well it’s not a law it’s a mandate
I saw 2 cows staring at me from behind the bush.
I think it was a steak out.
A chemist froze himself at -273.15°C
everyone said he was crazy but he was 0K.
I had a Wookie burger at a Star Wars cafe
I have started carrying a piece of stone with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
It’s my jingle bell rock.
Why do the French only eat one egg at breakfast?
Because one egg is un oeuf.
I just quit my job at the helium factory.
I won’t be spoken to in that tone.
How can I get someone to hang out with me, laugh at each other’s jokes, and maybe share some fun platonic experiences together throughout our lives?
The elevator at work was broken so I took the stairs...
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Now no one can get down.
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me!
Doctor said I’m at risk of having a heart attack due to high sodium intake.
I took what he said with a grain of salt.
I was so bored sitting at home that I memorized six pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
A very common male fantasy is to have 2 women at the same time.
One to cook and one to clean.
My wife’s mad at me because she said I never buy her flowers
I honestly didn’t even know she sold flowers
I've landed my dream job at the guillotine factory...
Will beheading there tomorrow.
I just had a guy throw milk at me
I think I aced the drug test at work today.
Nobody got higher than me.
I really struggled with 2020 all year. Sadly, at the end of it...
Son: "Dad, did you see pictures of that guy at the Capitol stealing Nancy Pelosi's podium? That's domestic terrorism!"
Dad: "Wrong, son. He was just taking a political stand."
I can always tell when someone is lying just by looking at them.
I can tell when they're standing too.
A person was arrested at the special Olympics.
Why are lgbt people good at fashion?
They usually spend a long time in the closet.
I used to work at a calendar factory
But they fired me for taking a couple of days off
At first I thought breaking up with an egg would be hard...
What did the German bread say at breakfast?
My son was just born and another dad at the hospital congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday.
He said, "Maybe they'll marry each other?"
"Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age."
My vet picked up my dog, looked at him and confirmed that he was cross-eyed and that he had to be put down.
Confused and upset, I asked why.
The vet advised he was too heavy to hold any longer.
I met my wife at a singles bar...
Which was really strange, since I'd thought that I had left her at home looking after the kids.
From my 10-year-old: "Daddy, what has it's bottom at the top?"
"I don't know, bud, what?"
"Your legs."
Well done, kid.
At least he got laid before he died
What are you called if you are shopping at an Apple store when it’s robbed?
This occurred to me at 1 am and I’ve never been more proud
Rudolph the red and his wife were on a stroll. Rudolph the red looked up at the sky and said "we should hurry up, there is a storm comming". So his wife asked "how do u know" and he replied...
"Rudolph the red knows rain dear"
I thought I saw Michael J Fox at my local garden centre.
I'm not sure if it was him, though, as he had his back to the fuchsias
I got fired from my job at the bank after just one day
A woman asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over.
"Honey, who might bee at the front door?"
The salesman at the furniture store told me, “This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.”
I said, “Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at work.
So, I have an uncle, once removed.
I quit my job at the helium factory today.
I will not be spoken to in that tone of voice!
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
