Got a math assignment from my teacher the other day...

When I glanced over the assignment , I noticed one of the problems was missing.

I waved down the teacher, and he came over and said, "Everything looking good?"

I said, "I don't see a problem here."

He looked at me and said, "Great!" and walked away.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GrayWolf85
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
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What do you call an invisible mom who was assigned male at birth?

Transparent.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CreativeBake7
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
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11 year old Daughter talking about her school assignment: ”Have you heard of Helen Keller”?

Me-Dad: β€œNope never seen her either”.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hicokid80
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
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I put the memory device with the class assignment into the computer. Unfortunately, I chose the wrong one and porn started showing.

Oooops. Wrong USB.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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A surgeon had three surgeries assigned to the same day. After the first one he said: "One done, tumor to go"
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pilot230
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
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"I'm so sorry, my dog ate my homework." Rolling his eyes, my computer science professor shot back, "Really?! Your dog ate your coding assignment?"

"Well, to be perfectly honest, it did take him a couple bytes."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2020
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Actually made me laugh gender fluid means you arent binary to one gender and transgender mean you do not identify as the gender assigned to you at birth
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Noobs_rule3n
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2019
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It was funnier in my head

I got an A on my origami assignment when I turned my paper into my teacher

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
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Long, stupid Dad joke

The ancient Greeks greatly feared volcanic explosions from Mt. Olympus, so they developed a tradition of sacrificing young maidens to the Gods on the mountain. Every year they selected five girls, and sacrificed four. Then they assigned the other one to stomp the olive harvest. That’s where we get Extra Virgin Olive Oil.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Addama33
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
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What did the teacher assign to the stripper?

Hometwerk

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Drainiac
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2020
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So there are three female wizards assigned to protect three Rolex time pieces. My only question?

Which witch would watch which watch?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JHPSwitzer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
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My daughter is doing a workbook to stay up on school in the summer. One of the assignments is to right a joke.

Her joke: β€œI’m going to turn 9 on Wednesday. It’s going to be quite a birthday”

Hi going to turn 9 on Wednesday. It’s going to be quite a birthday. I’m Dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Darkkwraith
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2019
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Matthew McConaughey is a professor now!! When he gives his students research assignments he instructs them to . . .

All Write! All Write! All Write!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2019
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As a reporter, I've done quite a few odd assignments. One especially memorable assignment was to report on the barefoot ginger convention.

Over 2,000 gingers showed up and there wasn't a sole to be seen.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2019
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Why did the Olympic athlete throw his reading assignment away?

His professor asked him to discus it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/StanggTwin
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2018
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What seat number on the airplane did Nashville get assigned?

10C

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CMoy1980
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2019
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My friend said, β€œI’ll never buy from a store that assigns genders to kids’ beds!”

I said, β€œBoycott?”

Him: That’s what I mean.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2019
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I failed my python breeding class because of a late assignment.

My homework ate my dog.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2019
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My weird boss has assigned designated bathroom times for each employee, and now it’s my turn.

I don’t need this shit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2019
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I tell dad jokes but I don't have any kids...

I'm a faux pa

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shoshilyawkward
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2020
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If today was a homework assignment...

It would be a piece of cake!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jtang6031
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2019
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What is it called when you assign your grandma to your speed dial?

Instagram.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sr_ChalupaBatman
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2018
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I think my English professor wants me to skip most of his assigned essay.

Or maybe I’m just jumping to a conclusion.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2018
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Did you hear about the teacher who carelessly assigned every student a good grade, regardless of their actual work?

She gave zero F’s.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vicious_viridian
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2018
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My first job was on a ship, I was assigned to look for navigational markers. I was a Buoy Scout.
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2018
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Son, your daddy's going to be home soon. The prison ran out of metal furniture so they assigned me to a cell with with an inflatable bed.

It's an air-rested development.

Love, Dad

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Torley_
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2018
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Plant/Music Puns

I am looking for some sort or plant/gardening puns from famous song lyrics for a class assignment such as:

You can grow your own way

-or-

Don't grow so close to me

Any help?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fornicaked
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
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My school assignments are like latino gangs

They're all just essays

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AgniloOfAstora19
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2016
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The words 'assign' and 'allocate' are very significant.

They both mean allot to me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vyashole
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2016
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I told my English teacher I planned on writing my onomatopoeia assignment on the word fap

He told me I was to discuss ting

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vbace715
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2018
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(Request) Need title for school assignment

Hello there,

I am doing a science project on cleaning products and I need a catchy title, so I figured I would go with a pun. The problem is, I can't think of one! If you guys could help me think of a one-liner pun involving somethng cleaning related, I would be very grateful!

Thanks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rcjuneau
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2013
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Did you hear about the newspaper reporter assigned to cover spiky vegetables?

It's a rough beet.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Derptron5K
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2017
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So I had just finished my Data Visualisation assignment on Microsoft Excel when suddenly it crashed. I nearly shit me cacks when I realised I forgot to save it. Thanks be to jaysus the program restarted with my graph intact...

... Lads, I almost lost the plot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pot8toes
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2017
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My girlfriend was working on a school assignment and said "I'm having trouble spelling today"

"T-o-d-a-y" apparently wasn't the response she was looking for.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RebarBusiness
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2016
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We were talking about assignments in class

It was the end of the class, we were talking about due assignments (Master thesis prep group, cuz iamverysmart). Things were getting a bit informal, when one of my fellow students asked:

"When do we get our graded paper back?"

to which I loudly yelled:

"I'd like a hardcover!"

Some snorted, some didn't understand it, but the overarching sound I heard was loud groaning. Worth.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FelixR1991
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2015
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English professor after a reading assignment

Are we all on the same page?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/inflictedkfcman
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2015
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[Request] I need help thinking of a slogan

We have an assignment to create a political party. My party is A.S.S. I need a slogan that fits the name, and is funny. The best one I could come up with is:

"Act now, Ass questions later"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CreepingItVale
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2019
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How'd I get from Iraq to Pakistan?

Iran

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IceColdKofi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2017
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A navy recruit has his first day on a submarine

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your postΒ to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes."

The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again.

"Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters."

The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes.

"Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!"

The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."

πŸ‘︎ 95
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2019
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When my friend was complaining to me about her high school homework assignment

Friend: "Ugh! I have so much homework tonight! And the worst part is that it's all in English!"

Me: "Thank goodness, because I was worried it would all be in Chinese, and then you couldn't do it."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chunkymonkeyman
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2015
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While collecting assignments from student's desks I spied one that said, "How do you make a teacher crazy?"(turn over)

Have him turn paper over for no apparent reason.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rathjame
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2014
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My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach...

β€œHaΒ­Β­! That’s not going to help,” she said.

β€œSure, it does,” I said. β€œIt’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2017
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Dad's been busy

RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.

We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

  1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

  2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

  3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

  4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

  5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

  6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

  7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

  8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

  9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

  10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

  11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

  12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

  13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

  14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;

'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

  1. Took a bo
... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/specklesinc
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2019
🚨︎ report
A new Navy recruit has his first day on a submarine.... (apologies to u/buddybd)

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes."

The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again.

"Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters."

The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes.

"Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!"

The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IranRPCV
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2020
🚨︎ report
A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine…

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

β€œGo stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope.”

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

β€œSon I’m changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes.”

The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He’s cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again.

β€œListen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters.”

The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes.

β€œHey there,” says the recruit. β€œis it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven’t kept one position for more than 15 minutes!”

The crewman says β€œOh yeah- this sub is full of reposts.”

πŸ‘︎ 185
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2019
🚨︎ report

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