On average, a panda feeds for approximately 12 hours a day. It’s the same with humans under quarantine.

That’s why it’s called a β€œPandemic”.

πŸ‘︎ 861
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2020
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Approximately 95% of all ocean critters remain undiscovered.

The ocean keeps its sea crits.

πŸ‘︎ 38
πŸ‘€︎ u/RayInRed
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2020
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My roommate Esther and I wanted to get a new rug for our apartment, but we didn't have a tape measure. So we had to use Esther's height to guess the approximate dimensions we wanted. We bought a rug one Esther wide by two Esthers long. You could say we...
πŸ‘︎ 43
πŸ‘€︎ u/modestmolerat
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2018
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. ..

After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes," replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
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For approximately the millionth time...

Mom: Boy, the wind is really picking up out there! Dad: Picking up what? Houses? Small children?

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ‘€︎ u/bundleofschtick
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2014
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I use fractions instead of percentages

approximately 33.3333...% less often than I should.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ‘€︎ u/sandysingssongs
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2018
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I got my physics class a while back.

We divided into groups and the lab was to use the measured volume and diameter of various spheres to find our own approximation of pi. So we had to use marbles and some ball bearings. We get to our station to start measuring when a girl in my group says:

Her:"Hey, where'd the blue marble go?"

Me: "I don't know. It'll be fine though, so don't... lose your marbles"

Her:nearly slaps me

I said it a few times that class, and when some other group dropped a marble down the drain I said it loud enough to get a groan from the whole class.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ‘€︎ u/fortisrufus
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2016
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Happy pi day

I'm not celebrating pi day this year... I've only just recovered from e day on February 72nd.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/beeteedee
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2014
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In response to winter storm warnings across western new york

I'm going on record to predict approximately 3.14 inches of snow tomorrow

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ‘€︎ u/jormono
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2017
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I dad joked my interviewer.

During a phone interview, I was asked to compute some basic physics problems without a calculator. One question involved estimating if a baseball would clear the fence when hit. I told the interviewer that I would approximate gravitational acceleration to 10 m/s^2 to give me "a ballpark answer."

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/splorkt
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2015
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Even during this, my dad still tries to pull off a joke

So, let's start off with a fact about myself: I'm vegetarian. I've been one my whole life. Now, let's get to the story.

Basically, I was driving down to camp at a Battleship with my dad (for a Boy Scouts trip), and this was during my first 6 months of learning to drive. This was the most intense trip for me (so far), and I was already nervous about driving on the interstate, so I was doing my best to practice proper driver etiquette.

Now, here's where the story gets interesting. I'm cruising down the interstate, going approximately 70 mph in the middle lane, when all of a sudden, I see a deer emerge onto the road from the right. It's running to the left (aka, trying to cross this interstate). The car to the right of me slams on the brakes, so the deer kept running. I slammed on my breaks as hard as I could, BARELY missing the deer. The car to the left of me was unlucky. The deer smashes its head into the left car's headlight and it flips over to the right (over my car). Clearly, it's dead, and as it flipped over my car, a lot of its blood gets onto my windshield.

I'm horrified. I kept driving forward. Trying to make sure I didn't veer off or anything. I look to my dad, and my hands are slightly shaking while I'm continuing this trip. My dad looks over to me, smiles, and says, "Don't worry, my 'deer'. Keep driving."

I looked back at him with the most disgusted face, and he just started giggling. Good god, this was NOT the time for a dad joke, but nevertheless, my dad didn't fail to deliver.

I thought I'd hate him forever after this and people would agree with me, but now this joke gets one of the largest laughs from people at parties. <_<

tl;dr My dad's sense of humor appalls me.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ‘€︎ u/chunkymonkeyman
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2013
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3 4 5


  • I currently live and study in the Philippines

  • One Philippine Peso (β‚±) is approximately 1/40 a dollar. Go check the conversion ratio if you doubt.

  • A single stick of this choco wafer stick right here (called Stick-O) usually costs at about β‚±1

  • I study in a college where student organizations are prevalent and their means of collecting funds is by Fund Raising Activity, i.e., selling consumables to students (usually food at exorbitant retail prices)

Every single time when I see an organization member doing his/her FRA selling Stick-O's, I ask...

Me: How much is that?

FRA: Three for five.

Me: β‚±3 for 5 pieces?

They chuckle in shame. They then correct me:

FRA: No, 3 pieces for β‚±5 pesos

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/francis_0000a
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2014
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This one received both a roomful of groans and applause!

Yesterday I was doing Concert practice - fairly standard for a music student, play some songs (with a band), receive some constructive criticism, if there's time, play it again, see if it improved.

So after aforementioned criticism the band and I are about to play again when one of the singers points the mic at the speaker (accidentally) and painfully loud feedback assaults our ears.

In the following silence, I commented: "That's the least useful feedback we've had all day!"


Then approximately forty people groaning in unison, which gave way to applause for my awful dadjoke.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/Clarrington
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2014
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My roommate and I dadjoked each other

Me: [uses hands to show approximate size of a liter]

RM: I find it easy to fathom a liter.

Me: Yeah, it's much easier to do that than to liter a fathom!

RM: Liter? I hardly know 'er!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ‘€︎ u/djhk12
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2014
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