Did you hear they're remaking the movie Anaconda starring Sylvester Stallone?

They're gonna call it Rocky Balboa Constrictor

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πŸ‘€︎ u/trollcitybandit
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2020
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My fiancee did not appreciate this. Our ten year old did. "What do you call an anaconda that's also a pacifist?"

A cantaconda

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πŸ‘€︎ u/l1_styx_1l
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2019
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Bandana + Anaconda =
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CluKInCok
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2019
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My Anaconda Don't
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2018
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My Anaconda
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Awestroke
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2018
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An anaconda came through my letterbox today.

I think there’s been an amazon mix up.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/feedmesteak
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2018
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My anaconda

Don't want none unless you've got puns hun!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RaxarSSS
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2018
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Attila the Hun had a pet snake who refused to eat.

He tried everything: rodents, small animals, and even cuts from larger animals, but it wouldn't eat.

As a last resort, he offered a virgin, but still the snake wouldn't eat. So, he called up the village's wise man.

Without hesitation, the wise man put two pieces of bread on the woman, and the snake ate her whole.

When Attila asked why, the wise man responded,

"Thine anaconda don't want nun unless you've got buns, hun!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/a_wild_redditer
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
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I truly kneaded this today.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/017383L1x1xxx
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2019
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I truly kneaded this today.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Liar_of_partinel
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2019
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What do you call a snake 3.14metre long ?

A Ο€thon

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πŸ‘€︎ u/music_snobbbb
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2019
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What does a snake wear to the beach?

A py-thong

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anonomyos
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2018
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Story time!

A baker and his wife had a child. A lovely, healthy boy. Since the wife was mad about history, she wanted to give the boy a name suitable for a man destined for great things. Jokes were made, names proposed, but in the end the decision was made - they named the boy Attila.

Attila showed great potential from an early age - he excelled at sports, grew strong, but his other capabilities were astonishing as well. He learned and went through encyclopedias like a fire through forests. Surely enough, he was bound to become a great man some day.

Apart from being an exceptional young man, he loved animals as well. He was kind and compassionate, equally cherishing all forms of life. Since his parents loved him so much, they bought him all he ever wanted - but he did not ask for much, he was never greedy.

Growing up, he has received many animals as pets - there were cats, dogs, hamsters and even exotic animals - tarantulas, snakes, scorpions, you name it.

Their home became a sort of an animal sanctuary, and Attila took care of all animals with love and passion. But, the family business was starting to suffer when his father the baker got ill.

Being the amazing young man he was, Attila stepped up and started learning secrets of the trade - he started baking like no one else.

But, since he devoted his time to the bakery, the animals were starting to be neglected. He tried feeding them, petting them, but nothing helped.

Slowly, one by one the animals passed away leaving behind only the most resistant ones - the snake and a few spiders.

The spiders were easy to take care of, but the snake wouldn't eat, no matter what. Saddened, Attila came to his mother and asked for advice as he was all out of ideas. Of course, being the caring mother she always was, she passed on her knowledge to Attila:

"This anaconda don't want none, unless you got buns, Hun."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DeviantClam
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2016
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Why can't a python gwt a hard on?

It has e-reptile dysfunction.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LeprechaunLord
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2018
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The Swearing Snake

It was a sunny afternoon in the city, and a 29 foot Amazonian Anaconda slithered into a hipster burger store. The snake slithered up to the counter and looked over the menu to find that everything was gluten free. The anaconda was disappointed, because he always found that the light fluffy bread on each end of his burger was his favorite part of the burger.

The clerk greeted him with a smile. "Hello! My name is Hyun! Can I take your order?" he said.

The anaconda responded with a sentence so foul I cannot type it here. It contained several swear words and many racial slurs against his server, all because the burgers would be served without buns.

Hyun reeled back in disgust. He requested an apology from the snake. Again, the anaconda belted out horrible curses and vulgarities.

Hyun, being the good Christian man that he is, said that he would call upon his good friend Sister Alice to perform an exorcism on the snake if he didn't leave. The snake finally slithered out upon hearing this.

About an hour later, the anaconda slithered back in with his owner. They approached the counter.

"Now what seems to be the problem here?" Said the anaconda's owner.

"This snake came in swearing up a storm and causing all kind of trouble all because we don't serve gluten in this restaurant" said Hyun.

"I threatened to call my friend Sister Alice to perform an exorcism if he didn't leave."

"Oh" said the anaconda's owner "Sorry about that. My Anaconda don't want nun unless you got buns, Hyun".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/unibod
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2014
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