At first I felt happy, but then I didnβt know what to think.
It must have been the delivery...
Must have been the delivery.
What do you call a stone with eyes?
Roxy
Identity theft is not a joke.
Recently in my neck of the woods, we have been experiencing a cold snap. This morning, my wife set me up for a zinger.
Wife (dressing our 10 month old daughter): I don't know how to dress her.
Me: Shirt goes on the top half, pants on the bottom half.
Wife: No! I mean for the temperature!
Me: Oh! Honey I don't think the temperature cares what she wears today.
So I work at a pizza shop. This middle aged man, typical dad polo shirt, white New Balances, etc... comes in with his wife. They want subs. So my boss is taking their order. She asks him if he wants any cheese on his sub. He responds "yeah, that religious stuff". My boss looks up at him confused and says, "what?". I immediately jump in and say, "Swiss!" My boss looks even more confused. The guy is smirking and says, "yeah, the holy kind!" His wife lets out the biggest groan as him and I crack up. My boss just shook her head and walked away in disgust.
I was at a warehouse store yesterday and turned down an aisle to see two employees standing over a spilled gallon of pancake syrup.
"Boy, that looks like a sticky situation"
Neither employee laughed.
Sister: "Hey Dad, can I please have a horse for my birthday?"
Dad: "Sorry honey, don't have anywhere to put it."
Sister: Starts Crying "This is unfair, I never get what I want."
Dad: "C'mon now sweetheart, why the long-face?"
Sister: "STOP DAD! THAT'S NOT FUNNY!!"
Dad: "Ok..ok..we'll get one. I'll go see if we can store it at the Neiigghhghbors house"
Dad proceeds to burst out laughing
talking about a tv show
"I've got seasons 1 to 6, do you want them?"
"What about season 3, 4, and 5?"
Kid 1 & kid 2 talking and 1 says "when I get home I'll just slip on my dress"...so I says to her, I says "if you think you'll slip on it, why don't you just pick it up off the floor?"... Kids not amused... Later... 1's working on 2's eyebrows and they ask me to bring them her makeup kit...so I asks "what for, have y'all been fighting?"... Still not amused... I'll keep you updated
I replied "of course not, you're Kate!" (Wife's name).
Me: Tears magazine in half.
Her: "How did you do that?"
Me: "'Shear' force."
I stared at her until she gave me a look of disgust and walked away.
I had just gotten off the phone with my wife on the car bluetooth and the radio came on. Of course Adele's Hello started playing (why is this song so overplayed?) so I pretended it was another call and started replying to her. It works for the first few verses.
Have my phone out during the commercials before the commercials leading up to a movie and they show the "please silence you cell phones" message.
Just then I get a text and my phone dings.
"Shhhhhhh. Be quiet. "
What's the best part about being a unicyclist?
I'm never two tired!
Hear a squeak
Me: Did the cat just meow?
Roommate: I think it was a dog.
Me: One of the dogs meowed?!
So took this from Not Always Right. I thought it deserved to be here.
I guess it was the delivery!
It must have been the deliveryβ¦
