Well, I wouldn't put it plaster
Friend: Wow! What kind is it?
Old man: quarter past 2.
You know what they say, good fences make good neighbors.
I told him to stop and that I would take him to the doctor for a more rofessional job. He told me he wanted to do it as he was working on his first aid merit badge for the boy scouts. So I said, "Suture self."
Deafy Duck
Neither did he.
It’s really hard to pull off.
He never listens though.
I said, “Awesome. What type is it?”
He said, “ Two thirty.”
I’ve heard nothing since
There is this couple in church and the wife farts.then the wife says to the the husband “did you hear me fart” and then the husband says “dear,I think your hearing aid batteries are low”
Because with grape powder comes great responsibility.
I thought I would Treat myself.
The connection was bad, I couldn’t hear a thing.
I think it’ll be hard to pull off.
I met a stranger on the tube the other day. He didn't say 'hello', as a normal person might. Instead, he said, "Remember Matt Damon".
That seems a little bit weird... but it gets weirder. The next day, I passed the same fellow on the street, while I was out walking my dog. He called out to me once again, "Remember Matt Damon".
But I finally cracked it and called the cops after the SAME guy tapped on my bedroom window, at 11.30 pm last night. He called to me, loud enough for me to clearly hear him through the glass, "Remember Matt Damon."
My conversation with the police then went like this:
Me: Officer, I think I have a stalker.
Policeman: can you tell me anything about this person?
Me: Well... uhhh... he reminds me of Matt Damon...
He's the pitcher.
I notice the woman is hysterical and the rabbit, well let's just say he's had better days.
I think to myself "Can I render first aid ? "
Then it hits me, I can fix this.
I go to the boot of my car and grab a can of spray. So I spray this onto the rabbit and sure as shit he jumps up and hops away.
As he is hopping away every ten steps he stops looks backs and waves at us !
He repeats this until he eventually was out of sight.
The women then asks me "what was that can of spray you used?"
I look and it is hair restorer with a permanent wave.
I wish to add no Rabbits were harmed in the telling of this story
A HIVe
I've found the buyer so I won't be listening to any offers.
Roll with the PUNCHES!
copilot: they keep your shirt closed
I said I don't think so I always used protection
He's quite the Pitcher.
What do u call a lemon if it's used as a medicine?
A lemon aid
It would be really hard to pull off.
You see, he had hearing AIDS
The doctor phones the man back shortly after and says, "You called?"
The man thinks for a second, then says, "No, pretty warm, actually."
They ask "Was it arson?", and the officer answers "Yes, your son".
Edit: holy shrimp! I got silver! Thanks for the reception!
but not many have hearing HIV
Friend: Are you sure?
Me: Yeah, I’m positive
The health items aren’t much, but the bag is a big plus!
https://preview.redd.it/4qvuttmtw8041.png?width=2259&format=png&auto=webp&s=902dd08bf2137da3ec65220627d1339fe83d8501
He's HIV pawsitive
Herring aids!
They rely on Herring aids
Grandma: You need a new battery for your hearing aid.
Thankfully the doctor was there and he spoke up for me.
They’re at unheard of low prices.
And given the deaf penalty
Gator-aid
When life gives you HIV, you make Live Aid.
Do you need First Aid?
PILGRIMS!
A kool-aid
Stormy denials
MAKE AMERICA GRAPE AGAIN
Oh yeah
"I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?"
"No, the regular kind."
GatorAIDS
Cold cuts.
I came back with this http://imgur.com/9KgUeRK
Dad jokes are the best medicine
It fell on deaf ears
Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.
It was addressed, 'Dad'.
With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands:
"Dear, Dad.
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.
I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy.
She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad.
She's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better.
She sure deserves it!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Joshua.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true.
I'm over at Jason's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table.
Call when it is safe for me to come home!"
Jeff went to his local train station and begged for the job. He got a job, as a janitor. Every day he swept the train car floors. To make his job easier, he added certain style to his sweeping technique. He used a 3 level system for how powerful he wanted to sweep. He had a small sweep for small piles of dust. Medium sweeps for leftover chip bags and plactic bottles. And the Super Mega Large sweeps for when there were spider webs as big as the train.
Jeff was a master sweeper, so he got Promoted!.. To hobo kicking. Nowadays he comes to the train station early in the morning, finds the nearest hobo, and kicks him out. However, Jeff's legs hurt after several strong kicks, so he used his 3 level system in hobo kicking. He had a small kick for tiny, bite sized hobos. Medium kicks for your average sized hobo. And his Super Mega Powerful kick for 300 pound hobos.
Jeff was sooooo good at kicking hobos and he was Promoted!.. to coal shoveling. Jeff arrives 20 minutes before his train departure, loads up with the conductor, and shovels coal. likewise with his legs, Jeff's arms got tired after several large piles of shoveled coal, so he used his 3 level system to rest Jeff's weak arms. Jeff dumps small piles of coal in the incinerator to send the train at a slow pace. He dumps a Medium pile for a somewhat fast pace. But when the train station's 30 miles away and he's scheduled to arrive in 7 minutes, Jeff uses his Big Gargantuan Humongous shoveling strength to send the train at super sonic speed!
After all of Jeff's many years of working for this train station, they finally promote him to Train Conductor! Jeff shows up to work 30 minutes early on his first day, conducts the train for his first time ever, and crashes the train. He injures 30 and kills 13 more. Jeff is sentenced to Death.
The day of Jeff's execution, he's asked for his last meal. Jeff tells the guard that he wants a 13 foot stack of pancakes and a 40 ounce jug of green Kool-Aid. Jeff takes exactly 34 minutes to eat with it all. 26 Mintues later, Jeff is taken to the electric chair.
Jeff sits down in the electric chair, and is strapped in by a nearby guard. After all the safety precautions, they turn on the electric chair.
BZZZZZZ
Nothin happened. The guard is confused and Jeff is confused. The guard trys it again.
BZZZZZZ
Nothing. Jeff doesn't even move a muscle. The guard decides to let Jeff go since he can't kill him. Before Jeff leaves, the guard has one question.
Guard : "Excuse me um, J
... keep reading on reddit ➡and they would be fighting Joseph Stallion and Franklin D. Roostervelt.
He was aiding and a-betting!
Guess he needs some lemon-aid
Me: Collegue is off getting a haring aid
Her: Yes i heard.
She didnt understand why i lost my shit.
Sister: Dad, when are you going to have to get one of those?
Dad: What?
Sister: When are you going to have to get a hearing aid?
Dad: What?
What is that, someone who carries instruments?
A herring aid.
Neither did he.
Neither did he.
I felt it was time to treat myself
I've heard nothing since.
Thought I’d treat myself.
I've heard nothing since.
Hearing aids!
When do we want them!
Hearing aids!
