He said, if I wanted to make it big, I would have to take some whisks.
One of them isn't Happy.
They are preparing for a wurst käse scenario.
Sounds like a huge pain in the butt
It isn’t stroganoff
Confused and upset, I asked why.
The vet advised he was too heavy to hold any longer.
"...but it’s worth a shot."
Life's Duff!
"Well son, just take away their little brooms."
It's a site for sore eyes.
Police advise citizens to be on the lookout for a group of hardened criminals!
Husband: I recommend that you use this clamp with my company’s logo on it.
Wife: I don’t need your advise!
I replied, “I'm on the toilet, please advise…”
So I now identify as M, I gave up the ale
We’ll have to think of udder things to eat.
"Then you’ll have a match!"
Seems like a shady business
A Brummie was made redundant after working for the same company for 45 years. He quickly gets an interview with one of his ex companies rivals. His friends advise him that he should wear a suit and tie to the interview to try and make a good impression, unfortunately the interview is the same day and his only suit he has is the one he wore to his original interview in 1975.
He quickly gets dressed in his brown suit, complete with flares, wide lapels and a kipper tie.
He made quite the impression on his entrance and when the interviewer invited him into his office, he said "nice kipper tie" to which he replied " milk and 2 sugars please"
"Yeah, because from a distance, it'll look like hare!"
But I stopped because I didn't have the patients
Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.
Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.
Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.
The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.
Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.
Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.
One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.
Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.
“Well” said Jeff, “As I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.
The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.
“Yes of course” replied Trevor
... keep reading on reddit ➡I have to say, though: I'm disappointed they didn't go with General Mills.
What did members of the Politburo wear to keep cool in the summer?
A: Lenin suits
What did the Soviet General Secretary say when he slipped and fell on ice in front of the Kremlin?
A: That'll leave a Marx!
What did the Commissar say to the workers on the collective farm when they slacked off?
A: Stop Stalin and get to work!
What did the Chinese President say when he stubbed his toe?
A: Mao! That hurts!
An officer in the Iranian army is talking to a subordinate.
The officer says, "Private, I think it's gonna rain."
The private says, "You think so, sir? The sky is completely clear and the sun is shining."
20 minutes later it starts to rain, a total deluge ensues.
The private says, "That was an amazing prediction, sir!. It did rain!"
The officer looks at the private, pats him on the shoulder and says, "Private, Ayatollah you so."
I take Tic-Tac-Toe very seriously.
I took it with a grain of salt
People were advised to wear a mask and stay 6 feet away from the bathroom
Sensitive viewers are advised to avert their gays
I stand corrected.
He can get them a float.
The children all lived in a nearby apartment complex. The younger siblings lived in apartment 8D and the older ones lived in apartment 9D. Detective Johnson advised Detective Smith that she probably shouldn’t bother question 8D’s children about what they saw, since they’re too young to have a reliable memory. He believed that Smith would have a better chance of getting good information from the older children, since only 9D’s kids will remember.
because it's 90 degrees there
I had a meeting with an adviser at the bank to discuss life insurance.
Him: "Do you have a Will, by any chance?"
Me: "I don't have a Will, but I have a Way."
Him: "Haha! I like that!"
Doctors advise you steer clear of Whoop Whooping Cough
He was advised to have light meals only.
He advised "lever".
His nutritionist advised him to either start a new diet or exercise more but the man couldn't outweigh his options
A brazilionaire!
The dinner table was quiet for a solid 5 minutes, a personal record for my family.
One of them is not Happy.
The Wurst Käse scenario has arrived.
"...but it’s worth a shot."
She wrote: “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.”
Her husband texted back: “I’m on the toilet, please advise.”
“If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!!!” The husband, being a non-romantic sort, replied... “I am on the toilet. Please advise.”
