Chris Ubank just advised me to shop lift some kitchen utensils

He said, if I wanted to make it big, I would have to take some whisks.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Taff-Price
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report
In other news...the Seven Dwarfs have been advised that they can only meet in groups of six.

One of them isn't Happy.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Due to COVID-19, the German government is advising that people stock up on sausages and cheese.

They are preparing for a wurst kΓ€se scenario.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GamerFluff27
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report
My lawyer advised me of a hernia mesh replacement lawsuit

Sounds like a huge pain in the butt

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotA_Drug_Dealer
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Security professionals advise to never use β€˜beef stew’ as a password

It isn’t stroganoff

πŸ‘︎ 422
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mr-m-meeseeks
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Viewer discretion is advised.
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Marshallino
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2019
🚨︎ report
My vet picked up my dog, looked at him and confirmed that he was cross-eyed and that he had to be put down.

Confused and upset, I asked why.

The vet advised he was too heavy to hold any longer.

πŸ‘︎ 110
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tinnber
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report
My son turned 21 today and as we were about to share our first drink together, I wisely advised him, "Remember, vodka may not be the answer..."

"...but it’s worth a shot."

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Didn't think it fit r/boottoobig, didn't know where else to put it. Please advise if necessary
πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LthlPnc
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Homer Simpson is an alcoholic because he is following his dad's only piece of advise

Life's Duff!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/freewillson
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2020
🚨︎ report
My son was making breakfast for the first time and he distraughtly asked me, "How do you stop the sausages from curling in the pan?!" I smiled and advised…

"Well son, just take away their little brooms."

πŸ‘︎ 263
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2019
🚨︎ report
When discussing my history of eye inflammation at the optometrist, I was advised to look up information on conjunctivitis.com.

It's a site for sore eyes.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/conundrumbombs
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2020
🚨︎ report
A cement mixer and a prison bus crashed on the highway...

Police advise citizens to be on the lookout for a group of hardened criminals!

πŸ‘︎ 210
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Wife: I’m trying to cut a piece of wood, but it won’t stay in place.

Husband: I recommend that you use this clamp with my company’s logo on it.

Wife: I don’t need your advise!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ugueth
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife sent me a heartwarming text that read, β€œIf you're sleeping, send me your dreams. If you're laughing, send me your smile. If you're eating, send me a bite. If you're drinking, send me a sip. If you're crying, send me your tears. I love you!”

I replied, β€œI'm on the toilet, please advise…”

πŸ‘︎ 16k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Due to a liver problem, I was advised to give up alcohol.

So I now identify as M, I gave up the ale

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SuperDave-1
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Scientists have advised that we stop eating cows

We’ll have to think of udder things to eat.

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/knob-ed
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2019
🚨︎ report
As my son was heading out to go camping, I advised him, "If you need to start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, make sure they’re the same."

"Then you’ll have a match!"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2019
🚨︎ report
My friend is considering selling lamps but I advised against it

Seems like a shady business

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/waddupmanitsjohn
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Birmingham (UK) man loses job after 45 years at company

A Brummie was made redundant after working for the same company for 45 years. He quickly gets an interview with one of his ex companies rivals. His friends advise him that he should wear a suit and tie to the interview to try and make a good impression, unfortunately the interview is the same day and his only suit he has is the one he wore to his original interview in 1975.

He quickly gets dressed in his brown suit, complete with flares, wide lapels and a kipper tie.

He made quite the impression on his entrance and when the interviewer invited him into his office, he said "nice kipper tie" to which he replied " milk and 2 sugars please"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/adidassamba
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
🚨︎ report
My son's getting older and worried about going bald, so I advised him to get a tattoo of a rabbit on his head. He just stared at me confused, so I said...

"Yeah, because from a distance, it'll look like hare!"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2019
🚨︎ report
I was studying to be a doctor for 3 years

But I stopped because I didn't have the patients

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/joek7891
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
🚨︎ report
If your doctor tells you to go on a low sodium diet, do you take his advise with a grain of salt?
πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Twigsnapper
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a drunk guy giving advises?

Tipsy

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bubi093
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2018
🚨︎ report
This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I heard that General Kellogg was going to be the new national security adviser.

I have to say, though: I'm disappointed they didn't go with General Mills.

πŸ‘︎ 64
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πŸ‘€︎ u/koenn
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2017
🚨︎ report
I was advised to post these here. I apologize in advance.

What did members of the Politburo wear to keep cool in the summer?

A: Lenin suits

What did the Soviet General Secretary say when he slipped and fell on ice in front of the Kremlin?

A: That'll leave a Marx!

What did the Commissar say to the workers on the collective farm when they slacked off?

A: Stop Stalin and get to work!

What did the Chinese President say when he stubbed his toe?

A: Mao! That hurts!

An officer in the Iranian army is talking to a subordinate.

The officer says, "Private, I think it's gonna rain."

The private says, "You think so, sir? The sky is completely clear and the sun is shining."

20 minutes later it starts to rain, a total deluge ensues.

The private says, "That was an amazing prediction, sir!. It did rain!"

The officer looks at the private, pats him on the shoulder and says, "Private, Ayatollah you so."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crookedletter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2018
🚨︎ report
"You must always look twice before you cross," I advised my son.

I take Tic-Tac-Toe very seriously.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2018
🚨︎ report
Following a bad breakup a bartender advised me that happiness lies at the bottom of a tequila bottle

I took it with a grain of salt

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaxPaw
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2018
🚨︎ report
I took a COVID 19 crap at work.....

People were advised to wear a mask and stay 6 feet away from the bathroom

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bryman19
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
🚨︎ report
The following depicts scenes of gratuitous heteronormative sexual acts

Sensitive viewers are advised to avert their gays

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Childhoodcocaine
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Signs for broken toilets should read, "pooer discretion is advised"
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/penguinpilates
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2015
🚨︎ report
I used to think there was nothing I could do about being lob-sided without expensive surgery, but was advised to put ab extra in-sole in one shoe, so...

I stand corrected.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eltegs
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2017
🚨︎ report
Dad Advise #34: If you see someone drowning, call the ice cream man

He can get them a float.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Synisive
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2016
🚨︎ report
Detective Johnson and detective Smith were investigating a murder that occurred next to a playground. The only witnesses to the murder were four children, a brother age 3 and sister age 4, and a different brother (age 7) and sister (age 8).

The children all lived in a nearby apartment complex. The younger siblings lived in apartment 8D and the older ones lived in apartment 9D. Detective Johnson advised Detective Smith that she probably shouldn’t bother question 8D’s children about what they saw, since they’re too young to have a reliable memory. He believed that Smith would have a better chance of getting good information from the older children, since only 9D’s kids will remember.

πŸ‘︎ 389
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Local authorities are advising that, due to freezing temperatures, everyone huddle in the corner

because it's 90 degrees there

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/yoquiero
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2015
🚨︎ report
Dadjoked my insurance adviser today

I had a meeting with an adviser at the bank to discuss life insurance.

Him: "Do you have a Will, by any chance?"

Me: "I don't have a Will, but I have a Way."

Him: "Haha! I like that!"

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bopoqod
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2014
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the new disease spreading amongst the juggalos?

Doctors advise you steer clear of Whoop Whooping Cough

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the man open his mouth in front of the bulb?

He was advised to have light meals only.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rbwj
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2019
🚨︎ report
I told my friend that it feels like I'm dating a machine these days.

He advised "lever".

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/epikshit
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2019
🚨︎ report
A 600 pound man went to the doctor's office today

His nutritionist advised him to either start a new diet or exercise more but the man couldn't outweigh his options

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/McDiddy2
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call an extremely rich person who lives in Rio de Janeiro?

A brazilionaire!

The dinner table was quiet for a solid 5 minutes, a personal record for my family.

πŸ‘︎ 142
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NanoFire_Mead
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2016
🚨︎ report
In the latest news... the Seven Dwarves have been advised that as of today, they can only meet in groups of six.

One of them is not Happy.

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Germany is now advising its citizens to stock up on cheese and sausages.

The Wurst KΓ€se scenario has arrived.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MGreenMN
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
🚨︎ report
My son turned 21 today and as we were about to share our first drink together, I wisely advised him, "Remember, vodka may not be the answer..."

"...but it’s worth a shot."

πŸ‘︎ 396
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2019
🚨︎ report
A wife sent her husband a romantic text message…

She wrote: β€œIf you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.”

Her husband texted back: β€œI’m on the toilet, please advise.”

πŸ‘︎ 140
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/aaronh1202
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband the following text...

β€œIf you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!!!” The husband, being a non-romantic sort, replied... β€œI am on the toilet. Please advise.”

πŸ‘︎ 106
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
🚨︎ report

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