I was accused of plagiarism.
π︎ 248
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︎ Oct 09 2022
My wife accused me of stealing her thesaurus.
Not only was I shocked, but I was appalled, aghast and dismayed by the accusation.
π︎ 218
π
︎ Sep 22 2022
My wife accused me of being a transvestite..
So i packed her things and left.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Nov 18 2022
At work the other day my boss accused me of dilly dallying
Didnβt make sense as I was clearly lollygagging.
π︎ 7
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︎ Dec 12 2022
My wife accused me of stealing her thesaurus again.
Not only was I angry. I was irate, annoyed, cross and indignant.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Nov 22 2022
Judge: "So, Mr Robot. Your neighbour accused you of stealing their electricity to power yourself. How do you pleade?"
Robot, the defendant: "Guilty as charged"
π︎ 38
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︎ Sep 23 2022
What do you call it when people accuse Johnny Depp without listening his side?
π︎ 3k
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︎ Apr 22 2022
my wife
My wife accused me of achieving nothing so I told her, 'Well I won the Leslie Nielson award at school.'
'What's that?', she said.
'It's a big building with kids in it.'
π︎ 671
π
︎ Nov 16 2022
Assuming he were alive today, why couldn't Abraham Lincoln be accused of a crime?
π︎ 72
π
︎ Jul 14 2022
Someone once accused me of being greedy..
I said "I'm gonna need to know more."
π︎ 6
π
︎ Sep 17 2022
How did the marauders react when accused of not respecting boundaries?
π︎ 7
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︎ Aug 09 2022
My sonβs teacher accused him of stealing materials from his trigonometry class.
I didnβt believe her at first, but when I checked his room, all the sines were there.
π︎ 113
π
︎ May 20 2022
IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years, but they're having a really hard time...
...putting their case together.
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Dec 30 2021
Why was the detergent accused of being racist?
Because it was tough on Greece.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Aug 10 2022
I divorced my wife because she accused me of never telling the truth.
She said I have "all the honesty of an ancient Greek harp."
I don't like being called a lyre.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Aug 08 2022
My kids told me today that my turkey was too dry.
I'm tired of these baste-less accusations.
Happy Thanksgiving!
π︎ 142
π
︎ Nov 24 2022
You guys hear about the burnt meat accused of a crime?
The cops just wouldnβt stop grilling it.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jul 04 2022
What did Justin say when his mates accused him of lying about his name?
π︎ 10
π
︎ Jun 05 2022
don't accuse the Yakuza of making Yakitori
they find it quite yakuzatori
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jul 14 2022
Where do snacks stand trial?
π︎ 35
π
︎ Nov 05 2022
A priest lost his bicycle.
He suspected one of the congregants may have stolen the bike but he didn't want to falsely accuse anyone. He decided to go to a local rabbi for advice. The rabbi advised the priest to give the next sermon about the 10 Commandments and when he gets to "thou shall not steal", look around to see if anyone is nervous.
A week later the rabbi sees the priest on his bike. The rabbi said "So I see that my advice worked out as intended". The priest replied "actually I didn't need to go through all of them. When I got to "thou shall not commit adultery", I suddenly remembered where I put my bike.
π︎ 6
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︎ Dec 14 2022
A woman was on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.
Judge asked, βFirst offender?β She says, βNo, first a Gibson! Then a Fender.β
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Jul 20 2022
Once Abraham Lincoln was accused of a dubious crime.
He knew that some day he'd be found in a cent.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jul 04 2022
I was accused of clock watching at work the other day
At least I think that's what the angry guy at the urinal beside me said.
π︎ 116
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︎ Mar 04 2022
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives...
I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."
π︎ 773
π
︎ Dec 24 2021
What pronouns did Michael Jackson use?
π︎ 5
π
︎ Sep 06 2022
I was in court accused of stealing blankets.
π︎ 69
π
︎ Feb 11 2022
People often accuse me of being "a plagiarist."
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Aug 27 2021
My wife just accused me of sitting on the couch and doing nothing all weekend.
Iβm not going to stand for it.
π︎ 19
π
︎ Mar 31 2022
My girlfriend left me because of my lazy eye.
She accused me of seeing someone else on the side.
π︎ 108
π
︎ Oct 07 2022
Hersheyβs CFO was fired effective immediately this weekend.
Heβs accused of fudging the numbers.
π︎ 16
π
︎ Oct 30 2022
Argon accused Neon of steal from him
Neon admitted that he stole. Such a noble move
π︎ 5
π
︎ Mar 10 2022
This morning my wife accused me of burning the toast to a crisp,
But I protested, "it was arson".
π︎ 16
π
︎ Apr 20 2022
Dr. Broom lost his license to practice this week.
He was accused of sweeping with his patients.
π︎ 16
π
︎ Nov 18 2022
I have been accused of plagiarism
I would have never thought to get in trouble for a word that I invented :(
π︎ 5
π
︎ Apr 29 2022
A soapmaker and a tailor are the suspects of a robbery, they accused each other, the police arrested the soapmaker
Because soapmakers always lye
π︎ 21
π
︎ Dec 05 2021
My friend worked as a marshal at the Formula 1 circuit, but he was accused of theft and sent home. At first I thought he was innocent but when I visited him...
there were a lot of red flags.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Mar 27 2022
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
She gave me a hug
π︎ 14
π
︎ Sep 24 2022
My wife accused me of using my back pain as an excuse for not spending intimate time together...
I told her, let me tell you the backstory
π︎ 5
π
︎ Mar 07 2022
What happened to the crustacean that was late for work?
π︎ 10
π
︎ Jun 29 2022
My wife accused me of stealing her thesaurus.
Not only was I shocked, I was appalled, aghast, outraged, and revolted.
π︎ 111
π
︎ Oct 02 2022
My wife accused me of stealing her thesaurus. I was shocked.
I was also appalled, aghast, and dismayed.
π︎ 372
π
︎ Sep 02 2022
My wife accused me of stealing her thesaurus...
Not only was I shocked, but I was appalled, aghast, and dismayed!
π︎ 621
π
︎ Aug 02 2022
My wife accused me of stealing her thesaurus
Not only was I shocked, but I was appalled, aghast, and dismayed
π︎ 392
π
︎ Jul 29 2022
My wife has accused me of stealing her thesaurusβ¦
Not only was I shocked, I was also aghast, appalled and dismayed.
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Dec 23 2021
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Feb 13 2021
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives. I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact..."
"I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."
π︎ 28
π
︎ Mar 14 2022
My wife has accused me of stealing her Thesaurus....
Not only was I shocked, I was also aghast, appalled and dismayed.
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Jun 11 2021
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