just moved to my first house & was trying to figure out a name for my new roomba… everybody meet Lightning McClean 🏎️, my speedy little racer buddy
Before surgery to remove my wisdom teeth, the dentist said I could choose between laughing gas, or a canoe paddle to knock me out.
It was an Ether / Oar situation.
I broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years because I found out she was a communist...
I should've known, there were red flags everywhere
My favorite Christmas joke: A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out and asked them to leave. ‘But why?’ they asked
“Because if there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s chess nuts boasting in an open foyer”
A teacher is doing attendance. she comes across the name “Hijkm” she says “I’m sorry, I’m not sure how to pronounce this name,” then spells it out. A girl raises her hand and says...
“That’s me, and it’s pronounced Noelle”
Every damn morning when I walk out the door to work, a bike runs me over.
I built a dock for my fishing pond out of hickory wood. It's great, until it gets wet and becomes...
My sister said I could never build a car out of spaghetti
You should’ve seen her face when I drove pasta.
It’s a known fact that 4 out of 3 people struggle
I used to visit a casino, until I found out their top floor restaurant served beef.
That meant the steaks were just too high for me.
I was getting carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out.
The cashier said, “Never mind.”
I once ate a cherry stem and it came out the other end tied
I got kicked out of the choir for being a jailhouse singer.
I was always behind a few bars, and I never had the key.
A duck just cussed me out
What do you call a church that passes out noodles during communion?
As a lifelong Meat Loaf fan I was surprised to learn I never bought Bat Out Of Hell III
But I won't be sad, cause two out of three ain't bad.
Anyone know where a guy can find someone to hang out with, maybe have a few beers with, talk to, and kinda just enjoy spending time with?
Asking for a friend.
glad to r/woosh half of the comments section 😂
An Irish guy walks out of a bar
What would you call a train made out of gum?
A dung beetle walks in to a bar, takes a good look around and walks back out.
I made a belt out of clocks today
I built a car out of 2x4's and tried to drive it.
A man goes to the doctor with a steering wheel sticking out of his trousers...
The doctor says "Whats that"
The man says "I dont know but its driving me nuts"
Bad news, Christmas carolers! Turns out one of our most sacred songs was communist propaganda all along, a hymn to nothing less than Karl Marx’s “The Communist Manifesto”!
Now don’t you feel bad for singing “O Commie, Commie Manual” all those years?
One night a Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window when he said, "Its going to rain." His wife asked, "How do you know?"
"Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
OMG just found out that Albert Einstein was a real person!!
All this time I thought he was a theoretical physicist.
What do you call a knight made entirely out of fine China?
I’m at the airport and there’s a woman completely passed out on the baggage carousel!
She’s slowly coming around now.
My dog accidentally swallowed a whole bag of Scrabble tiles. I just took him to the vet to get him checked out.
I woke up my pet snake, laid him out on the floor and told him a dad joke.
Did you know that if all the capillaries of a human lung were rolled out onto a tennis court...
The game would likely be cancelled
I have a fetish for figuring things out
I just came to that realization
I've never seen a bird out of breath before
I tried making a belt out of watches...
It turned out to be a waist of time.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It's taken me ages, but I've made a belt out of old watches.
It turned out to be a waist of time.
I got a lift to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said "Have a good day, son."
"Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad."
He scratched his head, "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"
I was by my friends side when he died on a trail in the woods. With his last ounce of strength he reached out and put the necklace he wore everywhere in my hands. The look on his face was desperate and serious, he really wanted me to have it...
And that's why I wear this epipen around my neck.
A narcissistic fungus found out he wasn't perfect
He realized that he had mushroom for development
After a coworker lost his leg to bone cancer, I am thinking of starting a business that only sells one shoe out of a pair, to cater to amputees...
I'll call it "Foot Lacker"
My kid challenged me to find a word that rhymes with “curious”, but it turns out he tricked me and wasted my time because there are none.
I’m still furious about it.
What do you call a medication that gets you out of work for a couple days?
I thought I ran into a relative from the Midwest, but it turned out to be someone else.
I make a living out of sandwich jokes.
It's my bread and butter.
How does a piece of bread ask out people?
He says “Can you come wheat me?”
My wife bet me I couldn't make a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.
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