X rating Puns

Because pepper would make them sneeze!

She's six. She's awesome.

EDIT: Woo highest rated post, thanks to my kid. Also, I never said she wrote it! She just told it to me. So there.

Its just really axilla rating.

At this rate, he will never be there on time.

I can’t believe the currant exchange rate

She replied, “ lol ok.”

Then I told her, “an apple pie cost $3.00 in the Bahamas...”

She asked, “ Are we going to these places?”

I said, “ No, honey. These are just the Pie-Rates of the Caribbean.”

Their menu was titled “The Pie Rates of Penn’s Aunts”.

it belonged to π rates

...cause it only has a three star rating!

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

found one that was rated cad-average.

Those are Pi Rates

Play-toe.

.

...or was it Sock-rates?

They have a high rate of return

Just to find out it doesn't rate your vibes?

At this rate, I’ll finish reading the dictionary in about a month.

A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely:

"Are - my - test - results - back?"

These are the pie-rates of the Caribbean.

Aruba - Cherry Pie $3.45

Bahamas - Apple Pie $2.75

Jamaica - Key Lime Pie $3.34

Saint Croix - Lemon Pie $4.21

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

They checked if it was rated... ARRRRRR

I heard it’s rated Arghhhhhhhhhh.

The approval rating of dad jokes in my household has fallen farther and harder than Hans off Nakatomi in my household of late. Not to be a big baby, but it's been really disheartening for me.

We all know our dad jokes can get tiring and annoying; that's part of the point. True masters carefully toe the line between just enough and too much, and to great effect. We do it because we genuinely want to bring joy to those around us with almost child-like mirth.

Not be able to share that with my family lately has been disappointing.

But coming to this sub warms my heart. So thank you to all of you here.

I am very grateful. #obligatoryset-up;)

Those are the pie rates of the car I be in.

(I married two old jokes together, I hope that’s ok)

iRate.

He was happy with his service...but only gave us a 9/10 rating.

Why, you have just found the Pie-rates of the Caribbean.

I work security at a large lab. We have a safety rating of green/yellow/red that we need to ask incoming workers. This occurred today when my co-worker greeted an incoming employee.

Co-worker: “Hello. What kind of work are you doing today? Green, yellow, or red work?”

Employee: “I’m just going to my office to water my plants.”

Me: “That’s definitely green work.”

Co-worker: “Did you have to?”

Me: “Sorry. That joke was low hanging fruit.”

Co-worker: “Really?”

Me: “Guess I’m stacking them up like cord wood today.”

I would rate it one star

I hear the currant exchange rate is excellent.

I'd like to know the pie rates of the Caribbean.

Always rated the biggest ones C.

At this rate we'll reach storm Noah this spring and it'll be time for the Ark

Terrible ratings. It only has one star.

I'ts Arr-Rated

Because it was rated arrr!

Willie Neilsen Ratings.

Because their turnover rates are on the rise.

...it was just a spooky dookie!

PSA: This joke is rated for children 5 years and younger.

It's rated aRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

I accele-rate it

I'd rate it tin out of tin. Big fan

I give it a rating of ELEVEN out of 10

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): I have come up with a plan so cunning you could stick a tail on it and call it a weasel.

Baldrick (Tony Robinson): Morning, Mr. B.

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Leave me alone, Baldrick. If I wanted to talk to a vegetable, I would have bought one at the market.

[Referring to a suicide pill they have both been given, after being captured by French revolutionaries]

Baldrick (Tony Robinson): I’m glad to say you won’t be needing that pill, Mr. B.

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Am I jumping the gun, Baldrick, or are the words “I have a cunning plan” marching with ill-deserved confidence in the direction of this conversation?

Baldrick (Tony Robinson): They certainly are.

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Well, forgive me if I don’t do a cartwheel of joy; your record in this department is hardly 100%. So what is it?

Baldrick (Tony Robinson): We do nothing …

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Yup, it’s another world-beater.

Baldrick (Tony Robinson): No, wait. We do nothing … until our heads have actually been cut off.

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): And then we … spring into action?

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): [to Baldrick] Unless I think of something, tomorrow we go to meet our Maker: in my case God, in your case God knows.

Baldrick (Tony Robinson): Sounds like a bag of grapefruits to me, Mr B.

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): The phrase, Baldrick, is “a case of sour grapes” – and yes it bloody well is.

Mrs. Miggins: The Scarlet Pimpernel, Mr. Blackadder! He’s so exciting, don’t you think?

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Actually, I think he’s the most over-rated human being since Judas Iscariot won the AD31 Best Disciple Competition.

http://bestcleanfunnyjokes.com/funny-quotes-from-blackadder-the-third/

My prices are the bi rates of the car I be in.

Because they need it to be a-cure-rate

It's going to be rated "Arrr..."

Out of my top five favorite kinds, I'd rate dad jokes a solid number two.

[from NPR-- this sub doesn't allow link posts]

The annual turkey pardon is a silly tradition, and President Obama knows it. On Wednesday, before pardoning turkeys named Tater and Tot, Obama summed up his feelings about this particular duty.

"It is my great privilege — well, it's my privilege — actually, let's just say it's my job to grant them clemency this afternoon," Obama said.

Not in attendance for the president's final turkey pardoning ceremony were first daughters Sasha and Malia Obama, who gamely laughed alongside their father last year. So instead, the president's nephews Austin and Aaron Robinson stood by for what Obama called his "corny-copia of dad jokes about turkeys."

And thus began a pun-fest for the ages. Here's a list of President Obama's groaners from this year's pardoning ceremony:

"Actually [Sasha and Malia] just couldn't take my jokes anymore. They were fed up."

"What I haven't told them yet is we are going to do this every year from now on. No cameras, just us, every year. No way I'm cutting this habit cold turkey."

"Tater is here in a backup role just in case Tot can't fulfill his duties. So he's sort of like the vice turkey. We're working on getting him a pair of aviator glasses."

"I want to take a moment to recognize the brave turkeys who weren't so lucky. Who didn't get to ride the gravy train to freedom. Who met their fate with courage and sacrifice and proved that they weren't chicken."

[After touting positive economic indicators and the low uninsured rate] "That's worth gobbling about."

"We should also make sure everyone has something to eat on Thanksgiving. Of course, except the turkeys, because they're already stuffed."

"When somebody at your table tells you that you've been hogging all of the side dishes, you can't have any more, I hope that you respond with a creed that sums up the spirit of a hungry people: 'Yes, we cran.' "

"Look, I know there are some bad ones in here, but this is the last time I'm doing this, so we're not leaving any room for leftovers."

"And now from the Rose Garden, Tater and Tot will go to their new home at Virginia Tech, which is admittedly a bit hokey." (The Hokies are the Virginia Tech mascot.)

"And so let's get on with the pardoning. Because it's Wednesday afternoon and everyone knows that Thanksgiving traffic can put people in a foul mood."

[from NPR -- http://www.npr.org/2016/11/23/503178220/president-obamas-2016-turkey-pardon-dad-jokes-the-definitive-list?utm_source=facebook.com

Rate it 3.14

Arrrrr rated films.

What supermarket has the most generous portions?

Giant food.

Which one has the most carefully measured portions?

Safeway (safe weigh).

What's the most deceptive supermarket?

Food lion.

And the worst rated one?

Aldi's (All D's).

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean

That's just the pi-rates of the Caribbean

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean

At this rate, I’ll finish reading the dictionary in a month or so.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

These are the pie rate of the Caribbean

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

These are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean

At this rate, he’ll never be in class on time.

These are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.

Those are the pie rates of the Caribbean

These are the Pie-rates of the Caribbean.

That's the pie rates of the Caribbean.

These are the pie-rates of the Caribbean.

At this rate, he will never be in class on time.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

I would rate it one star

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

Did you know that apple pie in the Bahamas is $1.50?

Pumpkin pie in Barbados is $1.75

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

Because it was rated arrr!

Because it was rated arrr!

are the pie rates of the Caribbean

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean

It’s rated AARRRRGH because of all the booty!

Because it was rated arrr!

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean

These are the Pie-rates of the Caribbean

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

Those are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

Those are the pie-rates of the Carribean!

Those are the real pie rates of the Caribbean

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

These are the pie-rates of the Caribbean.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

These are some of the pi(e)rates of the carribean