Whoops

At the Olympics, I saw a man carrying a long stick. β€œAre you a pole vaulter?” I asked.‬

β€ͺβ€œNo,” he replied. β€œI’m German, but how did you know my name is Walter?”‬

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpivLife
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2020
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Whoop Whoop
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Biffberr
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2018
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Whoops
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OscarOSN
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2019
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Whoops
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dailyfapz
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2018
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BREAKING: Iran has struck its own submarine with an underwater torpedo in the Persian Gulf, killing all 350 aboard

Whoops wrong sub

πŸ‘︎ 80k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PeterPorky
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2020
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I went to subway and accidentally stole someone's lunch.

Whoops wrong sub.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RihhamDaMan
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
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Once my school had multiple teachers absent and they sent the substitutes to the wrong class AMA

Whoops wrong sub

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tjxdtjtxjynx
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2020
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BREAKING NEWS: Vietnam accidentally sank its own submarine killing all 350 on board

Whoops, wrong sub.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zekesnack
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
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If you are sad and angry, what American state are you from?

Illinois.

Edit: I meant sick, not sad. Whoops

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πŸ‘€︎ u/roksforbrains
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2020
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A dick move indeed
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BZK_Breaks
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2019
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My wife always thinks adding more herbs makes the food taste better.

She makes the same mistake; thyme and thyme again.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/YottaDren
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2020
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I really like to put meatballs on bread, add cheese, and sauce.

Oh it’s so tasty.

Edit: whoops, I thought this was the meatball sub

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
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My wife threw a block of cheddar at my head

I went "well that's mature"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jezzibell
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2019
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A customer ordered a foot long cold cut trio and I completely zoned out and accidentally made him a 6" meatball.

Whoops, wrong sub.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zamundan
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2020
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Did you hear about the new disease spreading amongst the juggalos?

Doctors advise you steer clear of Whoop Whooping Cough

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2020
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my dad called me in the middle of class to tell me this joke

He was confused at what a habenero was, so he asked his Mexican friend who told him, "Of course man I can tell you." My dad asked to use it in a sentence. His friend said, "Alright, I wanted to go bow hunting but I didn't habanero."

I thought someone had died.

Edit: Spelled habanero wrong. Whoops. Also, wow this is big. I did not expect this much attention.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/angry-elf
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2016
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As a dyslexic person who frequently fails to board the proper means of public transportation...

Whoops, wrong bus!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2019
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I went to renew PlayStation Now but accidentally got Xbox Live Gold. Any advice?

Whoops, wrong sub.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maimonides_vii
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2017
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I've said it before, and I'll say it again.

It.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/niallmurphytdub
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2018
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There was once a priest who went to see the world after taking his oath....

After many years of wandering, he finally arrived in a small village in the middle of nowhere. The people there believed in the same religion as he did, but they had no church; they had to go to the nearest one which was in a small town 25 km's from there. The priest took the initiative, asked the Church for support, and with the help of the local men they built their own temple. From there on, he was celebrating the Sunday masses, joining together men and women in Holy Matrimony, and saying prayers at the funerals.

Many years passed by like that.

At the end of an ordinary mass, in early spring, on a chilly Sunday morning he was just guiding the people out of the church, was about to close the gates when an unknown man stepped into the churchyard.

With his dirty and torn clothes, he stood before the priest and said:

  • Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was a good man, and even though he thought the request was a bit strange, he went back to the rectory, took out a lemon, cut it in half, took it back to the man and gave it to him, who looked back to the priest with gratitude. However, the priest was curious. He asked:

  • Son, why do you need this half of a lemon? - with a fright on his face, and before the priest could have said a thing, he rushed out of the churchyard gate and took off.

A week later, around the same time, when the priest was leaving the church, he found himself in front of the same man in the churchyard. The man said:

  • Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was surprised by the appearance of the man and his strange request. Of course he was good, went back to the rectory, and brought the half lemon. Placed it in the stranger’s hand and immediately he asked:

  • Here it is, my dear son, but please tell me why do you need this half a lemon? - the man was obviously frightened and immediately ran away but the priest was not sluggish either and ran after him. He wasn’t in a very good condition, he has never run so much and so fast before so he was out of breath by the end of the village, almost fainted. He thought the strange man might appear again next week, and it would be nice if he could keep up with him, so he spent his week working on his cardio. It turned out to be a good idea, because as he thought, the stranger entered the churchyard on Sunday. The priest didn’t even wait for the request, he was good, and brought the half lemon. He received these words from the man:

  • Thank you

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doty152
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2018
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Playing a gift exchange with my dad and he got us all:

Holding up a dry erase board with the number on it in Roman numerals XIX. Someone asked what number it was and he says: "oh whoops, I got it upside down", and he flips it over.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Young_Zaphod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2018
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What do you call it when you add two integers?

Edit: whoops, looks like its only for mobile

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cookie4524
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2019
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I accidentally sent my friend flowers over the internet...

Whoops, E-Daisies!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2017
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I've been perserving some jokes over the past few years.

I call it canned laughter.

EDIT: Whoops I meant to type preserving

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pumpnog
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2018
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The Book

My Dad was the worst. And by that, I mean the best. He had a Dad Joke for everything.

I accidently left my wallet in my pants and they went through the wash?

"Don't you know it's illegal to launder money?" He would crack.

We would drive by the cemetery and he would always remark.

"That place is so popular, people are dying to get in"

Many groans were had.

I would ask him, "Dad, where do you get all these awful jokes?" and he looked square in the eye and said.

"Son, on the day you were born - your Grandfather - my father gave me a book. '1001 Dad Jokes' and that where I get them from"

And life continued. Any opportunity to crack wise he would take it. Even when I moved out and got my own place it didn't stop. I had my Dad over to help me repaint the walls from cream to white.

"Boy" He whistled. "This wall sure pales in comparison to that one"

My eyes rolled and he just shrugged. "It's the book!"

He couldn't even help himself at my wedding and broke out a Dad Joke during the toast.

"If this is the toast, where are the eggs?"

"Sorry son, it's the book!" He said with a devilish grin.

So months pass and my wife is in labor at the hospital with our first child. I'm sitting in the waiting room with my dad for support. Suddenly, a nurse comes out beaming with glee.

"Congratulations, sir! It's a girl!"

Me and my dad jump up and whoop for joy, hugging. I can't wait to go in and see my wife and child.

"Wait son" My dad says and pulls a little book out of his jacket pocket. "This is for you"

I look at the little book and sure enough, it's "1001 Dad Jokes"

I tear up instantly.

"I...I.." I stammer.."I'm touched.."

My dad gets the world's biggest shit-eating grin on his face.

"Hi touched...." He pauses for effect.

"I'm Dad"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/extraflux
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2015
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TIFU by ruining my nieces knitted sweater...

Whoops, wrong thread.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DuskStruck
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2016
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TIL that the first recorded sandwich was made by the famous rabbi, Hillel the Elder, who lived during the 1st century B.C.

Whoops wrong Sub.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrSuperZonic
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2017
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Went bowling with some friends

Afterwards, when were putting our shoes back on, one friend put her shoe on the wrong foot and says: "whoops. I put my shoe on the wrong foot" To which I replied: "it helps if you put it on the right foot... Unless it's the left shoe."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheFlyingM16
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2016
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How do you beat up a sick person?

With a whooping cough.

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2014
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So I was at the driving range with my Dad

It was cloudy, so the golf ball was hard to see when it was hit. I said to my Dad "I can't see the ball because of the cloud cover." The next ball I hit was painfully bad and rolled onto the grass. My Dad says "There it is".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Captain_Caribou
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2014
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Hoobastank

My friend and I occasionally play real shitty music as a joke (One Last Breath, etc). So the other day I'm at his house playing video games and "The Reason" by Hoobastank comes on. While it's playing I'm getting whooped in the game we're playing pretty badly and so I'm complaining about it. I'm doing all I can to not get whooped but the whoops don't stop and eventually my friend says, "Dude, maybe it's the song." So I looked at my friend and said, "so you're telling me that the song is The Reason?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/stinkyshrimp
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2015
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Boyfriend had his first dad joke

We were getting chic fil a out of the car and I dropped my cup of tea and he responded without a beat.. "Whoops.. Looks like we had a casual-tea!" Total keeper :)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/adultswiim
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2014
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I learned the wrong words to all the oldies...

My dad would sing stuff like "What would you do, if I whooped both of you? Would you finally clean up your damn room?" There were many more, but this is the one that stuck the hardest

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πŸ‘€︎ u/harrysnitzel
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2016
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The open road is a beautiful place for dad jokes.

Yesterday, my girlfriend and I were driving home from a vacation we had taken on a ranch. About an hour into the trip, silence had taken over the trip until this gem of an opportunity presented itself:

Driving along, I notice a dead deer on the side of the road. Me, "Hmmm." Girlfriend, "What?" Me, "Nothing. Just... That deer." Girlfriend, "What about it?" Me, "That's just such an odd place for a deer to take a nap."

I'm pretty sure even the dead deer groaned at that one. Great success.

Edit- Grammar. Whoops.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jpotts5
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2014
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Dadjoked a Walgreens employee

To set the scene I am in a Walgreens, specifically the shampoo/body wash aisle.

Employee knocks a few bottles of shampoo on the floor

Employee: "Whoops, how clumsy of me."

Me: "At least the bottles aren't glass, that would have been a lot worse."

Employee: "Yeah, that's true."

Me: "Although if they were glass clean-up would've been pretty easy because there would be soap all over the floor."

Employee pity laughs

Best trip to Walgreens ever.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/americanWARRI0R
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2014
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I had bought some ground beef

My dad came into the kitchen while I was unloading some groceries I had bought.

Dad: Why did you get lean beef?

Me: Huh?

Dad: You got 93% fat free.

Me: Oh whoops, I didn't mean to.

Dad: More like you didn't lean to.

Couldn't help but chuckle.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/momentgenerating
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2014
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What did the professor say when he tripped on the podium?

Whoops, a dais!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/X_Irradiance
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2015
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Dadjoked a customer last week [Retail]

So I work at a hardware store/fish & tackle shop on a fairly affluent barrier island in Florida...tons of rich old WASPs (we're talking DuPont heir money here).

Anyways, a regular comes up to the front register with a saw and some saw blades. I took note of his purchases and said to the guy "How do these work? Some sort of coping mechanism?"

He looked down for a second, began to explain (in a somewhat demeaning tone) how a coping saw works, looked up and saw my shit eating grin.

grooaaannnn "Oh you ass, that was witty. You got me though!"

I later learned that day that his wife had died three months earlier...whoops.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Cameraman
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2014
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Wife just dad joked our son

Apparently i need to step up my dad joke game as this is the second good dad joke to come from my wife.

During bath time our infant son was playing with his rubber duckies and lightly whacked himself in the head. My wife, without missing a beat says, "whoops, you got quacked".

Groan

Edit: spelling

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πŸ‘€︎ u/quiksilver895
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2014
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My dad on our way to see the Sabres game

Dad: So who are we playing tonight?

Me: Washington Capitals

Dad: Oh...so if they whoop our asses it'll be capital punishment?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/musicguy2341
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2015
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BREAKING: Iran has struck its own submarine with an underwater torpedo in the Persian Gulf, killing all 354 aboard

Whoops wrong sub

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hercules_ZH
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
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TIFU by ordering the wrong $5 foot long.

Whoops wrong sub.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doggo_Of_Wisdom
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2017
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Bought my mom the wrong sandwich from Subway.

Whoops, wrong sub!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CaCtUs2003
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2017
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