What the Golf Puns

The dad said “it’s a home-in-one”

Join the club

The collared greens

A driver

Thor!

Parrrrr

The less strokes you have, the better.

Edit* “What does life and golf have in common” not “...and in common”

one pulls out a cigarette and asks his friend for a light. His friend pulls out a 12 inch bic lighter and hands it to him “wow where did you get such a large bic?” he asks, “oh this, my genie got it for me he’s in my golf bag” the friend says “you have a genie?! May I see him?”, “yes sure” the friend replies and opens his golf bag. Sure enough out pops a genie, the man says “I am your masters best friend may I have one wish?” “Sure” the genie replies “but only one”... “I’d like a million bucks” says the man excitedly, “done” says the genie and disappears back into the bag. Seconds later the sky begins to gets dark, despite it only being noon, the man looks up and sees nothing but ducks “what is going on, there must be a million ducks up there, I asked for a million bucks, what’s wrong with your genie?!” his friend turns to him with a wry smile and says “do you REALLY think I asked for a 12 inch inch bic”

(True Dad Joke Story)

My friend and I were coming back from golfing on what felt like the hottest day of the year when he got a flat tire on the freeway. We get out, sweat our butts off, and change the tire. I wasn’t sure how far we could go on the spare and I called my dad to see what he thought...

ME: “How far can we get on a donut?”

DAD: “Hmmm I’d probably say till lunch time!”

Needless to say I was not amused at the time - my dad thought he was a genius.

I saw a white, fluffy thing swinging through my local cake shop. Suspect it was a meringue-utang.

I was out driving the other day and I spotted two packets of cheese & onion crisps walking down the road. I said, “Do you want a lift”. “No thanks”, they replied, “We’re Walkers”.

I was in a cake shop the other day, they were all £5 apart from one that was £10. I asked why it was so expensive, the shop owner said “that’s maderia cake”.

Bought some cream, it said “store in a cool place”. So I left it in the Doctor Who studios.

Local ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

I used to love doughnuts, but I got bored of the whole thing.

A man says “I keep finding custard in one ear, and jelly in the other”. The doctor says “I’m afraid you are a trifle deaf”.

I bought a waffle iron the other day. Get really annoyed with wrinkled waffles.

How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden

What do they call a man who abandoned his diet? DESSERTER.

Ice cream is exquisite… –what a pity it isn’t illegal.

The optimist sees the doughnut, the pessimist sees the hole, and the realist sees the calories.

Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted better than Adam’s banana.

Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.

Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!

When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it’s been sliced.

What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?

Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!

What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.

What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!

A birthday greeting: For someone special as you, only ANGELFOOD would do. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Did you hear there are two suspects in Two Ton Charley’s death? BEN and JERRY.

Don’t eat too much fudge, or else you will have so much pudge you won’t be able to budge.

You know you’re a mom if… Popsicles have become a staple food.

Mexican candy makes my taste buds say “OLE!”

FORGET LOVE… I’

A buddy of mine and I went golfing the other day, and while we both were doing fairly well on the main stretch, his approach when using his 9 iron was always awful. I felt bad for him, so the next time we went golfing, I brought him some pills I thought would, give him some "help".

"What're these for?" he asked.

I replied, "for your Iron deficiency!"

In my business law class we were discussing this court case. In the case, a woman named Courtney was hitting off the tee box at a country club and sliced the shot off the course. The ball hit a guy who was working on a nearby roof, and gave him permanent brain damage. Our professor then asked us who we thought was responsible for the damages: the golf course, the course designer, or the woman. A student in the back asks "Well what if Courtney was drunk while she was playing" to which our professor responded

"Well then we would just have a classic case of drinking... and driving."

I'm still not sure which was louder, my friend and I bursting out laughing or the collective groan that filled the room.

I was watching golf on tv with my dad when I was younger....

Me: "What happens if the ball goes in the water?"

dad: "It gets wet"

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

• Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
• It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
• What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
• Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
• Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
• Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
• If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
• Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
• Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
• American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
• The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
• Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
• Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
• Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
• Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
• Rittal me this, Batman!
• Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
• Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
• If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
• When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
• You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
• Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
• Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
• Don't think Seton is

My brother and sister constantly prattle on about the legitimacy of golf and dance as sports and were going at it again this morning.

"What's the point of having a golf team at the school? It's not a real sport."

"At least there is a golf team. I don't see any dance teams here."

"There's a chess team. Are you saying that chess is a sport?"

"It's not a chess team, it's a chess club. The school doesn't have any golf clubs.'

Suddenly Dad chimes in. "Then what do they use to hit the balls?"

So my dad and I are driving through Colorado and see a handful of structures that look like giant golf balls on the plains. We start discussing what they are when I muster up my best William Shatner voice and go "There.. Is some... Thing... On... The plains..." and die laughing. Made dad proud. Rest of the car, not so much.

Professor: "so you see the golf here." Me: "golf? You mean gulf." P: "That's what I said. Golf. It's a u that sounds like an o." Me: "no. It's a u that sounds like a u!" P: "well of course I sound like me!! Who else would I sound like?"