Losing 20£ is easy if you know what you're doing.
My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. "What are you doing?" she asked him. "I'm going to have a bake sale to buy a car," he answered. "Where on earth did you get that idea? We're in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!" He said...
"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."
"All you're doing is listening to what I say to tell me I'm wrong!"
"Maybe you're right."
What does an Englishman say when he wants to know how you're doing?
"UK?"
Interviewer: "I see there's a four year gap on your resume. What were you doing then?" Me: "I went to Yale in 2010" Interviewer: "Impressive! You're hired"
Me: "Thanks. I really need this yob"
My daughter and I were playing on the beach today when I picked up her small bucket and stared at it for a long time. Puzzled, she asked, "Daddy, what're you doing!!?" Sounding concerned, I said, "Your bucket is sick!"
Surprised, she asked, "How do you know?"
I replied, "Well, it's a little pail!"
What do you do when you're an airplane at a fashion show and you don't know what you're doing?
Just go down the runway as fast as you can and wing it.
What do you say to warn your family you're about to test a new dad joke on them?
Try this on for sighs.
What do you need to do when you’re addicted to sea weed?
Sea kelp
What do you need if you’re cold, while on the moon?
A space heater.
Dad: “How are your grades, son?” Son: “They’re underwater, Dad.” Dad: “What do you mean, underwater?”
Son: “They’re below C level”
What do call an animal that knows if you're lying?
Sealion
If you’re a simp and your wife gives birth to two boys, what do you get?
The Simpsons
What animal do you want to be when you're cold?
A little 'otter
Joke by my grandpa
What should you do if you're walking downtown and you happen to pass a Fireman?
I'd put it out, man.
What Do You Call a Type of Medicine That You’re Related To?
Antacid
what do you make when you tell a dad joke even though you're not a dad?
a faux pas
What should you do if you're attacked by a gang of clowns?
Go for the juggler.
What do you call a re-gifted pig?
A ham-me-down
What do you do when you're somewhere over the rainbow?
Weigh a pie
What should you do if you're attacked by a posse of clowns?
Make sure you go for the juggler.
What do you file when you're out of ideas?
Brainruptcy
You're American when you go into the bathroom, and you're American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you're in there?
European.
What do you call someone who measures how long you're on your front wheels?
An Endocrinologist (Endo-Chronologist)
What do you call it when you’re so drunk that you can’t speak?
In-talk-sicated
What do you calling it when your in milk up to you're eybrows
Pasteurize (past your eyes)
What food do you want when you're cold and angry?
A brrrrgrrrr.
What do you call an argument you have while you're high?
Grass fed beef.
Came up with this myself, am proud.
What do I call it when you're working on honing your sexual skills?
Horning
What do you call it when you're annoyed because you need food, but you're not full on hangry?
You get unreas-nibble.
What do you do when you're surrounded by a school of sharks?
You give them detention.
What do you call it when you slap hands with someone as you’re leaving?
A bye five.
What do you do when you're driving and there's a cow in the middle of the road?
You stop moo-ving!
Imagine you’re about to be attacked by a giant scorpion. What do you do?
Stop imagining it
What do you call it when you eat at a mall and you're satisfied by your meal?
Mallnourished
What do you call it when you’re afraid of giants?
Feefifobia
What do you call the ISIS when they're defeated?
WASWAS.
You're in a cave, faced by a lion, a bear and a jaguar, with a gun and one bullet. What do you do?
Shoot the lion, drink the beer and drive away in the jaguar.
Don't do calligraphy when you're angry, what you write will end up being very cursive. 😉
What should you do if you're addicted to seaweed ?
Sea Kelp
What should you do if you're addicted sea weed?
Sea kelp....
What should you do if you’re addicted to sea weed?
Sea kelp
You're American when you go into the bathroom and you're American when you come out. But do you know what you are while you're in there?
European
You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there?
European
What do you do if you're attacked by a group of clowns?
You go for the juggler
You’re American when you walk into a bathroom and you’re American when you come out. But do you know what you are while you’re in there?
European.
