Remind me not to pillow fight with the wife...
Currently sat in hospital with a concushion.
My Wife got a thin crust pizza for dinner. It reminded me a lot of myself:
No dough and lots of cheese.
originally posted on r/tumblr by u/MaetelofLaMetal
This 2020 Presidential election reminds me of the 2000 Election
Just a reminder that it's only "Star Wars Day" if....
My dad used to hit me with cameras
My wife called me at work and said “it’s time, the baby is coming”
I said that’s impossible, Labor Day is in September!
(New dad of a 3 week old, trying to step into my new role)
I told my wife at dinner, "honey your chicken parmesan reminds me of a poutine" she said "how's that?"
Because I want to poutine my mouth.
From my 9 year old son: Dad, what hand do you wipe your bum with? Me: My right hand......
Response: EEEEEEEERRRRRRRRR, I use toilet paper.
Well played, boy.
Just started my new job as a security guard. The supervisor told me my job would be to watch the office at night.
I’m on season eight. Still not sure what this has to do with security.
If you told me you were a U-shaped stringed instrument
Well, then I’d say you were a lyre.
My wife beamed at me and said, “I had no idea our son would go that far!” Tearing up, I stammered, “I know!"
"The trebuchet is amazing! Go get our daughter!"
There's so many bad puns on this sub' it's making me just feel numb, and don't talk about the math ones..
..they make me feel even number.
Cemeteries remind me of the TV show Cheers.
It's a place where everyone knows your name.
My wife got mad at me because I wouldn’t stop singing “I’m a Believer” by the Monkees. At first, I thought she was kidding.
If you can't appreciate this, please furgive me
school has really reminded me of english classes and writing a bunch of these
No one will listen to White Snake with me
SO here I go again on my own
My wife asked me if I thought the kids were spoiled
I said "no, I think they're supposed to smell like that."
My daughter told me nothing rhymes with orange. I told her she’s wrong.
Nothing and orange have completely different ending sounds.
Ms. Richie: Hey, remind me what comes after Do and Re on the musical scale?
Lionel: Hello, is it Mi you are looking for?
Asked my contractor why he didn’t bill me for my new roof
He said “Don’t worry about it, it’s on the house!”
Not mine. But always makes me giggle
My 6 year old told me this one today. Why do dogs carry bones in their mouths?
Because they don't have pockets.
My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”
crosspost from r/dankmemes by u/_hismomoness
An American, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German where all attending a Zoom meeting. The Supervisor asked “can you see me ok?”
To which they answered “yes” “oui” “si” “ja”.
I went to the beekeeper to get a dozen bees. When he gave me the bag, I counted 13, so I said “oops, you gave me an extra-“
He said “Nah, that’s a freebie”
I went to a job interview today and the interviewer asked me "what is your greatest weakness?". I said "I am too honest"
He said "I don't think that's a weakness"
"Well I don't give a f* what you think"
I quit my job as a mailman when they handed me my first letter to deliver.
I looked at it and thought, ‘This isn’t for me.”
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took
My therapist just told me I have extreme difficulty in picking up social cues.
I think she is in love with me.
The doctor told me my DNA is inverted.
My GF dressed up as a police woman and told me I was under arrest under the suspicion that I was good in bed c
After 3 mins all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence
I just got fired, and as severance, my company gave me a bag of used coffee.
They said it was grounds for termination.
A girl named Autumn tried to prank me.
My mom thanked me for coming to visit for Mother’s Day.
I said “thanks for having me.”
Where you can find flat earthers?
My buddy gets all the girls. I watched him work once. He approached a lady and said, "girl, you remind me of a thick, creamy beverage made from raw fruit, vegetables, and sometimes dairy products, typically pureed using a blender!"
He's such a smoothie talker.
No one likes to listen to whitesnake with me
So here I go again on my own
Guys, make your woman feel special. Place a framed photo of her in the kitchen...
....and write "EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH" on top.
My friend Tony asked me not to say his name backwards
Someone tried to sell me a coffin today
I said that's the last thing I need
My roof caved in on me... and I no longer feel safe.
I think I have truss issues
Love me love me, say that chu love me
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