In an alternate universe, instead of asking for whatever he touches to be gold, Midas just asked for his jokes to be made extremely hilarious.
Everything was comedy gold.
π︎ 5
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︎ May 06 2020
What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students
π︎ 15
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︎ Sep 16 2018
What card game touches your feelings the most?
π︎ 4
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︎ Mar 25 2019
Told my dad a joke stolen from AskReddit... Touche, old man
[dad joke] (https://m.imgur.com/p6BewPb)
π︎ 7
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︎ Jul 13 2017
An alternate world where it's illegal to make or even touch puns. Punsmiths are protesting against this.
There's a pun crying to be made here, but I can't put my finger on it.
π︎ 7
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︎ Feb 27 2019
So touching
π︎ 4k
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︎ Jan 03 2021
The wedding was so touching that
even the cake was in tiers.
Edit: Thank you so much guys! I never expected this to reach 10k upvotes! You guys truly made my day.
π︎ 12k
π
︎ Nov 01 2020
What can you hold without touching it?
π︎ 2
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︎ Feb 12 2021
Why doesn't Covid touch kids?
π︎ 6
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︎ Feb 23 2021
The best way to get in touch with your long lost relatives....
....is to win the lottery.
π︎ 13
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︎ Feb 26 2021
One day, the Earth and the Sea met. The Sea asked the Earth: "Can I touch you?"
The Earth answered: "Shore"
π︎ 32
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︎ Jan 21 2021
My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side...
π︎ 2
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︎ Feb 04 2021
Guys, I have been thinking about selling my Theremin.
I haven't touched it in years.
π︎ 7k
π
︎ Feb 07 2021
A football player goes to the doctor and says "It hurts whenever I touch my face, knee and elbow." The doctor says,
"You've broken your hand."
π︎ 18
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︎ Dec 31 2020
A touching conversation
π︎ 890
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︎ Sep 29 2020
Heart transplant is a really heart touching surgery
π︎ 6
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︎ Nov 23 2020
A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"
"Yes, my master, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."
"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
π︎ 12k
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︎ Jan 10 2021
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
... and as you can see, they were Wright
π︎ 11k
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︎ Jan 18 2021
I found out today that I like it when experienced men touch me
And then I paid the chiropractor
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 21 2021
Touching
π︎ 62
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︎ Nov 15 2020
Why is my stud finder constantly going off even when it isn't touching the wall?
Oh wait... I'm holding it.
π︎ 3
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︎ Jan 10 2021
Walked past a pallet of nacho cheese at Costco today. Looked my daughter in the eye and said, βDylan, donβt touchβ
π︎ 5
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︎ Dec 27 2020
A man had a fetish for touching and hearing, one day his friend got mad and slapped and yelled at the man
He ended up coming to his senses
π︎ 22
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︎ Dec 09 2020
I met a beautiful cactus today, so I told it, " you're looking sharp today ".
" I'm just a cactus " , it said. " You have a point there ", I replied.
π︎ 9k
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︎ Dec 08 2020
Broke ny finger today
On the other hand i am ok
π︎ 11k
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︎ Dec 06 2020
My girlfriend asked me to feed her anaconda hotdogs while she is out of town. I did, but it wouldnβt touch them. Confused, I called her and asked why
She said: βMy anaconda donβt want none unless it has buns, hunβ
π︎ 21
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︎ Oct 14 2020
Got a new tattoo
My wife was complaining about how i'm not spontanious or creative, unless it involves terrible jokes, so i went out and got a tattoo (my first one). But since im not very creative i had them tattoo a pic of my thermos from work. I went home all excited and showed her my new tattoo! She was really confused about it. She looked at it for awhile and when she went to touch it i yelled at her not to touch the thermos tat. I think she's leaving me now :(
π︎ 18k
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︎ Nov 09 2020
10 years ago I promised to myself not to touch a drop of drink while I'm at work.
I haven't touched a job since.
π︎ 9
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︎ Nov 15 2020
I used to get painful shocks when touching a doorknob...
...but not anymore! I'm ex-static!
π︎ 33
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︎ Aug 27 2020
In college I took a class on braille.
The professor said we'll probably touch on everything.
π︎ 21
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︎ Feb 24 2021
I saw a guy going around telling people to touch a naked wire he has been carrying with him.
π︎ 5
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︎ Jun 30 2020
Why would everything be different without a sense of touch?
Because we wouldnβt know how to feel
π︎ 10
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︎ Sep 16 2020
Mom Touch Momβs Touch
π︎ 11
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︎ Jul 30 2020
My son wanted to glue $20 bills to his belt
I told him that would just be a waist of money
π︎ 25
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︎ Jan 21 2021
Son: βDaddy why is that βdo not touchβ sign there?β
Dad: βI dunno son, I canβt quite put my finger on it.β
π︎ 8
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︎ Sep 15 2020
When I was 3, I touched an electric socket.
The results were pretty shocking.
π︎ 6
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︎ Sep 16 2020
Whatβs the difference between a doctor and a priest ?
When the dr touches your nuts itβs strictly business.
π︎ 8
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︎ Feb 04 2021
So I walked into my daughter's room with a tape measure the other day, and she was lying on her bed reading a book. I stood in the doorway and started slowly extending the tape measure, all the way across the room, until it touched her cheek. "What??" she asked me. My response...
"I'm measuring your patience!"
π︎ 7k
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︎ Aug 24 2019
We all have that on relative who breaks everything they touch. Mine is my...
π︎ 3
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︎ Sep 09 2020
What do you call a math problem that you can touch and feel?
π︎ 51
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︎ Jun 08 2020
Sometimes I touch my knees to my chest and lean forward,
Thatβs just how I roll.
π︎ 295
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︎ Apr 14 2020
I saw a sign that said 'do not touch', however there was something weird about the sign....
I couldn't put my finger on it....
π︎ 7k
π
︎ Jun 22 2019
What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students?
π︎ 43
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︎ Oct 14 2014
My wife told me to be more in touch with with my feminine side....
π︎ 3
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︎ Jan 17 2021
There's something that I don't like about "DO NOT TOUCH" signs.
I just can't put my finger on it.
π︎ 582
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︎ Jul 25 2020
The wedding vows were so touching...
Even the cake was in tiers.
(Obligatory cake day joke.)
π︎ 44
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︎ Sep 25 2020
My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side
π︎ 13
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︎ Oct 26 2020
My wife asked me to get in touch with my more feminine side
π︎ 22
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︎ Aug 08 2020
My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side
So I crashed the car and didn't talk to her all day for no reason.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Aug 16 2020
My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side
π︎ 6
π
︎ Aug 09 2020
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