Did you know that no one living in this town is allowed to be buried in the local cemetery?
You have to be dead to be buried there.
Two robbers were robbing a liquor store when one robber grabs a bottle and asks the other robber "is this whiskey?"
The other says "yeah but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank"
One of the most pleasing pages on this website is r/citrus.
My granddaughter just hit me with this one: what is the biggest kind of ant ?
A gi-ant!
I am so proud right now!
Okay, I guess I'll post this. I was pretty stoned so my apologies if it is super dumb. Requested by another user after the Pringle one.
Every day, a doctor would go to the same bar and order a chestnut daiquiri. One day, the bartender ran out of chestnut and used hickory instead. The doctor came in, sipped it, and exclaimed, “Ew! What is this?!”. The bartender replied:
“That’s a hickory daiquiri, doc!”
One of the best gifts I got for Christmas this year is a whiteboard for my office.
Reworked this one to make it more kid/church-friendly. "Do you know what the cost of Deer belly meat is?"
It's usually under a buck...
Unless you have more doe.
The Nobel Prize this year is going to the first scarecrow ever to receive one
He was out standing in his field.
My friend and I have a love of puns, and he came up with this one today: What is the term for being very surprised that someone sprayed Lysol in your face?
Day 10 of depositions / witness testimony in the Depp case, and not one person is able to answer this simple question..
Eric Cartman titan. I feel like this is only for a certain demographic. Thankfully it's the most common one on reddit.
This one is a MOM joke just delivered by my mom to my dad... DAD: The Who announced a new North American tour. MOM: What are they calling this one...
The comments is full of puns like this one
Made this one up in collaboration with my daughter and we’re kinda proud: Which knight is the protector of foods?
I've had some bad pickup lines, but this one is the cheesiest
This is the one time of the year it’s ok to disappoint people
No one gets mad when you drop the ball.
A dad is driving the wrong way down a one way street. The son says “Dad! This is a one way street!”
Dad says “I am going one way!”
I got my wife a copy of the Pixar movie Up when it came out a long time ago, but she dropped it while opening it. She dropped it so many times over the years that the box is very damaged and the disc is no longer playable. Her other movies are perfectly fine, but not this one.
She did not hold Up well.
My Dad told me this one while at dinner. "You know what the leading cause of dry skin is?"
The two men stared intensely at each other over the chessboard, neither one making a move. Suddenly, one of the men gasped in horror and shouted, "How is this possible? You must be taught by the Soviets!"
The other smirked and replied, "Czech, mate."
This one is the stupid one.
The Irony is strong in this one
During my time as a PhD student I used to draw stupid puns on the whiteboard. This is one of my favourites.
This is still one of the best I've ever come across
This is one from one of my preschoolers: Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
Because he was feeling crumby.
A man recently immigrated to a new land were he doesn’t speak the language. His fellow workers take him to lunch everyday. One of them teaches him to order Apple Pie and Coffee for himself. For weeks, this is all he orders.
Morning, Apple Pie and Coffee. Noon, Apple Pie and Coffee. Night, Apple Pie and Coffee. Getting tired of this same meal, he asks his coworkers to teach him a new dish to order. He learns Steak and Eggs.
Waitress: Hiya hon’, Apple Pie and Coffee as usual?
Man (smiling proudly): Steak and Eggs!
Waitress: Oh! Changing it up to day! How would you like your eggs? Scrambled, sunny side up, poached, fried? How would you like your steak? Rare, medium rare, medium, medium well, well?
.
.
.
.
.
.
Man: ... Apple Pie and Coffee.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
Cocaine is no joke I'm at the end of the line on this one
Got told this one is scouts a long time ago. If you’re Russian when you’re walking in the bathroom and German when you come out, what are you while you’re in the bathroom?
Two Chinese guys rob a brewery. The one guy asks, "Is this whiskey?"
The other man replies, "Not as whiskey as whobbing a bank."
I have a reputation amongst my friends for cheesy dad jokes this one is the one I'm most proud of.
So I cut my hand quite badly and had to go to get stitches.
The doctor's sewing me up and I remember an old joke that I swore I'd use should the oppurtunity ever arise.
I says "Doc, when this heals up am I gonna be able to play the piano?"
Doctor says "Of course."
I say "that's odd I wasn't able to play the piano before."
The doctor then sets me up for a little improv, he laughs politely and says "funny"
I say "Doc! I'm funny? You've got me in stitches."
One of the legs of this chair is shorter than the others.
I'm trying to just be okay with it but if I'm being honest it just doesn't sit well with me.
Here is one big if for the continued success of this sub:
One my friends is studying in New Zealand and her boyfriend is studying in Canada. I told this to someone and remarked on how romantic it would be for them to date on the International date line .
Two chinese guys break into a distillery, one asks the other ‘is this whisky?’’
The other replied ‘yes, but not as whisky as wobbing a bank’
This is a family favorite. My grandpa got pulled over going the wrong way down a one way street.
The cop goes, "This is a one way street!"
My grandpa replies, "How many ways was I going?"
TV Narrator* This is a mallard. A mallard is a dabbling duck that breeds throughout the world. This one is in search of a mate. A female will lay 8 to 13 eggs.
This one is really bad my family was at the pizza place donatos, my uncle says to my dad “do you want more donatos”
My dad says “the whole restaurant?” I laughed because it was so bad
This one is out of the world.
So I showed my grandma the solar system tattoo I got on my leg. She told me it took up too much space.
Two robbers were robbing a liquor store when one robber grabs a bottle and asks the other robber “is this whiskey?”
The other says “yeah but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank”.
Two burglars are robbing a liquor store. One turns to the other and asks "Is this whiskey" ?
The other replies, "Yeah, but not as wisky as wobbing a bank"
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
