Last night my wife and I were talking. We've been married 20 years. She was just laying on me and it can get hard to breathe like that. She noticed I was struggling to breathe and said, "At least I still take your breath away."
I only perform on the Queen Mary.
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Males are just females without the fes
Fes can be forced to sound like Fees, and woman have a stereotype of spending money
Me and a friend came up with 3: “My dick must be out because this fly’s undone” “Hate to be a buzz kill” And “Insect yourself before you wreck yourself”
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left, and two Wrights made an airplane.
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At my in-laws over the weekend for Thanksgiving. Walk into bedroom, change clothes, walk out and announce to everyone- The funniest thing happened. I walked into the bedroom and out and I feel like a changed man.....
Feel free to use that one to impress absolutely no one.
"Parallel lines struggle to make ends meet".
"Decapitated man can't get ahead".
"Reformed junkie encouraged to get back on the horse".
A termite walks into a pub and asks, "Is the bartender here?"
The blank stares before you get it make it all the more amusing. To us.
https://youtu.be/15JgRNjVM8E
After browsing through some of the past year's posts, I decided to make this video capturing some of the best of what was posted here! All one-liners that translate well do video. Hope you enjoy the recap of the year!
If people like this, I may start making a series of some of the top subs posts as "Reddit for the Lazy" videos, a tl;dr of the top posts, in a single-click video!
apparent
He spins a 360 showcasing his head, and says "Hey son, I got a hair cut today. Can you tell which one!?"
"Hey son, you know what I like about you?" Then I say "No what?"...
..."Nothing at all." HAHAHAHA sadface
EDIT: Now I use that joke on my sons. happyface
So I bought a new suit for work yesterday and when I came downstairs dressed in it I asked my parents "how do I look?" Dad responds: "with your eyes." He though it was a home run
...with the caveat that they have to use the words "liver" and "cheese" in their pickup line.
The Russian walks up to her and proudly recites: "My liver aches for you like it does for vodka, and my heart is incomplete like gruyere cheese". Crickets. The girl is a bit confused but is impressed with the guy's large biceps and full beard.
The Brit walks over to her and stammers: "I will tease your fancy with a sliver of cheese and liver". Nonsensical, but his accent did the trick. The girl blushes slightly.
The Mexican guy sees his opportunity and loudly yells: "Liver alone! Cheese mine!"
Whenever our waitress/waiter comes by to ask how our dinner is, he'll respond with "Best (meal) I've had all day."
And then explain that he works third shift, and just woke up twenty minutes before we got to the restaurant. Every time. And then laugh to himself. Every time.
So my dad was talking to an acquaintance of ours, who is a landlord. My dad's acquaintance said he went in to check on one of his tenants and found him dead in his Lay-Z-Boy watching TV, remote still in hand and T.V still running. My dad's response on hearing this bit of news "Welp, I bet he wasn't watching the Life Channel"
"Is your face hurting you? Cos it's killing me"
Cue manic laughter. Every. Time.
"this coffee is full of grounds... grounds for divorce"
The thing about pencils is that if it doesn't have a sharp tip, it's pointless.
(I paraphrased).
