I went to the book store and asked the assistant for any books about turtles.
She asked " Hardback? " And I said.. .." yeah, and little heads. "
How did the mean turtle cross the road?
How does a legless turtle cross the road? 🐢
Take the F out of free and take the F out of way.
What kind of house do ninja turtles live in when they go on vacation from living in the sewers and fighting crime?
I haven’t been able find my pet turtle for the past few months
Turns out he’s just been sheltering in place.
An alternative... was that A'Tuin was crawling from the Birthplace to the Time of Mating. When they arrived they would briefly and passionately mate, for the first and only time, and from that fiery union new turtles would be born to carry a new pattern of worlds.
This was known as the Big Bang hypothesis.
Joke by Terry Pratchett, ‘The Colour of Magic’, Prologue.
Why did the turtle go to T-mobile
Because he couldn't sprint
Why did the turtle retire and move to the south pole?
He couldn't handle any more hare-racing adventures
Every time we went somewhere to eat, my father would close the menu and say, “I’ll take a turtle soup...
and make it snappy”.
I hated eating anywhere with him, now I think it’s funny. Help, I’m turning into my father.
Me at the bookstore: Do you have any books on turtles?
Cashier: Hard back?
Me: yea, with little heads.
What did the snail say while riding on the turtles back?
My turtle was upset.. he couldnt afford the new shell-phone
Why do we think the turtle is the wisest animal?
Because it has tortoise so much.
A man is sitting at a bar when he notices a turtle near the register. It is covered with bandages ....
and not moving. "So uh, what's the deal with the dead turtle?" he asks. The barkeep perks up, "Dead? you say? I'll have you know that this is the fastest turtle on Earth!" "In fact, I have fifty dollars that say **this** turtle can beat **you** to the other side of the room!" The man looks at the motionless turtle and says, "Alright - Your on!" "on the count of three" says the bartender. "one" "two" "three!" and he picks up the turtle and throws it across the room.
What does the snail on the turtle’s back say?
Wheeeeeeeeee!
My daughter told me this one haha!
In the forest, a sad lonely looking turtle begins to climb slowly up a huge tree. Half way up, it edges along a branch, sighs, then jumps. It falls smacking into the ground, bouncing and tumbling across the forest floor...
Recovering and bruised, he slowly climbs the tree again, jumps and falls to the ground.
The turtle tries again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watch his pathetic efforts.
Finally, the female bird turns to her mate, “Darling, don't you think it’s time to tell him he’s adopted?"
I walked into a bookstore the other day and asked the clerk if they had any books on turtles.
Worker: "Hard back?"
Me: "Yeah, with little heads."
Who do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have a crush on?
Breaking News: A turtleneck seller is to appear in court for selling his turtlenecks to the public, and just killing so many turtles. And sweater or not he wins, he was really a bad salesman.
Turtles have always been the best teachers
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails.
When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
Why couldn’t the turtle get a boner?
He had a reptile dysfunction
Did you hear of the boy who’s turtle died?
What's the most visible kind of turtle?
Why doesn’t anyone mess with the ninja turtle Raphael?
After slamming on my brakes to move a turtle from the road to a nearby body of water I turned to my wife...
... And said 'Honey, he will be e-turtle-y grateful.'
This is a true story, happened today.
What would the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles call Master Splinter if they had become brake specialists instead of ninjas?
We saw a group of turtles on the highway...
Me: "I wonder where they are going."
Him: "They're probably heading to the nearest Shell station."
If the chicken crossed the road to get to the other side, why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the SHELL station
Why could the turtle never marry?
He took a vow of shellebacy.
What is the number one name for a female turtle
After coming back from the vet and finding my turtle needs surgery.
Me: ::starring blankly while eating dinner::
Wife: Are you just shell shocked at the price?
Did you see that the IRS was doing a bunch of audits and found one corporation listed a turtle as their CEO?
Turns out it was a shell company.
A turtle was crossing the road...
...in front of our shuttle bus yesterday, on our way to a Civil War re-enactment. "He's trying to get away from the battle before it begins", said our driver.
Without missing a beat, I quipped "Yeah, he must have heard there was going to be a shelling."
Half-hearted groans were had, and my wife wanted to disappear. Success!
I went into the library and asked for a book on turtles.
The lady said, "hardback?" I replied, "yes, with little wrinkled heads"
Why did the turtle retire and move to the south pole?
He couldn't handle any more hare-racing adventures
Turtles have always been the best teachers
What did the snail say while riding on the turtles back?
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell Station.
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