Why did the trumpet have to register as a sex offender?
Because it sounded kinda horny around the children.
Researchers Say King Tut Was Exceptional At At The Trumpet
But If You Ask Me, He Was Just Tootin’ Common
If you suck at playing the trumpet...
Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl. One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face"
Grandma is always saying to me ' Hey what's the name of that German guy again who keeps taking my stuff '
Alzheimer, Grandma, it's Alzheimer.
Did you know a colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence?
For example
- I ate my friend's lunch
- I ate my friend's colon
What do cannibals serve at the beginning of dinner party?
SpongeBob may be the main character of the show.
I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81.
I taught a dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground.
We went from Barking to Tooting in 20 minutes!
The one and only acceptable way of advertising
Ah sorry i didn't read the name of the subreddit right
Everyone has heard of the historical figure, Karl Marx.
But no one remembers his sister, Onya, who invented the starting pistol.
My friend was trying to feed her baby but he was having none of it. I said "Try the Airplane."
She said, "Airplane? What is it?"
"It's a classic spoof film from the 1980s but that's not important right now."
The College Board is phasing out the essay portion of the SAT.
Henceforth the test will be known as the T.
One of my ancestors was once hired by Henry VIII to teach his son to play the trumpet
He was a Tudor tooter tutor.
The CEOs of Miller, Bud, and Guinness walk into a bar
The bartender asks what they'd like.
The executive of Miller orders a Miller Lite, so the bartender gives it to him. The executive of Bud orders a Bud Light, and he's given one. The bartender looks at the CEO of Guinness, and he asks for a Coke. The bartender, bewildered, hands him the Coke and asks why he didn't order a Guinness. In reply, he said,
"I figured if those two weren't drinking beer, then neither would I!"
The CEO of IKEA was just selected as the Prime Minister of Sweden
He’s assembling his cabinet.
What type of tea do the English not enjoy?
Wife was at the doctor’s office yesterday and texted me that she’s tired of waiting.
I told her to…be patient.
I’m a new dad of a five-month old baby and I was quite proud of this moment.
How do you track Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints!
So we all know that you find H2O inside a fire hydrant, but what do you find on the outside of a fire hydrant?
What is the opposite of isolate?
If you suck at playing the trumpet...
I need someone to repair the stone wall in the front of my house, but I don’t have a lot of money.
Incidentally, Free Masons are not what they sound like.
What was the name of the Knight who always caught King Arthur off guard?
All hail the holy antlers of the deer god
I was supposed to play the trumpet
What do you get when you mix a prophet with an enemy of the state?
They've discovered a breed of oxen that is genetically identical from one generation to the next, each one an almost exact copy of the one that came before except for some slight degradation.
True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.
"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."
Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.
It just occurred to me that the opposite of Artificial Intelligence is …
What did the lonely square say to the group of rectangles?
"All I want is to be long."
So proud of my daughter…. My wife and I watched “The Dig” last night
and upon telling our daughter this morning she asked is that a prequel to “The Hole”. It gets better … my wife then says “that was a dad joke” and she says “no it was a good joke”
What’s the difference between an Indian restaurant and a Vietnamese restaurant?
Indian places are naan profit, Vietnamese places are pho profit.
Anyone who can spell the word drawer backwards...
How do you determine the mass of a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now
The Adventures of the Mathmagician (an educational and punny comic).
The wife and I had a fight. I threw a chunk of meat at her but it wasn't even close.
Who were the greenest Presidents in US history?
Looking forward to the Fibonacci convention this year, it's supposed to be really special..
..and as big as the last two put together.
If someone told me tomorrow is the start of a new month...
Did you know Bruce Lee had much less known younger brother? He never said much and stayed out of the public eye.
the very peak of my existence about 6 months ago today
Why do I always take an extra pair of pants to the golf course?
In case I get a hole in one.
A man went to the doctor’s and told him, “I feel like such a failure. All five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up.”
He said, “Wow, that’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.”
Argon enters a bar, the bartender says “We don’t serve noble gases here.”
What's the opposite of ladyfinger?
The CEO of IKEA has been elected Prime Minister of Sweden.
He's currently assembling his cabinet.
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