You're looking sharp today!
And he had a point.
It was a cut-lass
Why did you block me?
Target Practice
Triforce
It's a hard rock knife.
...compared to guns, swords just don't cut it.
Because they would be Knight Wights.
At least there'd be a one-time only Fi...
It turns out he was de-ranged.
It smelt funny
Because a katana isn't a straight sword.
Dm: You walk into a room full of skeletons holding onto rusted weapons
Friend #1: Ok.... Uhhhh... Lets disarming the skeletons b4 they come alive.
Friend #2:Good idea, Ill grab the one with the spear.
Friend #3:Ill grab the one with the swords.
Me: and ill grab their arms :>
Friends and DM: -_-
"Take thine father's blade and ascend!"
>!The solution is Pa's Sword 1234!<
When an eel bites your hand, And that's not what you planned, That's a moray.
When our habits are strange, And our customs deranged, That's our mores.
When your horse munches straw, And the bales total four, That's some more hay.
When Othello's poor wife Becomes stabbed with a knife, That's a Moor, eh?
When a Japanese knight Uses his sword in a fight, That's Samurai.
When your sheep go to graze In a damp marshy place, That's a moor, eh?
When your boat comes home fine And you tie up her line, That's a moor, eh?
When you ace your last tests Like you did all the rest, That's some more "A"s!
In New Zealand you see An aborigine, That's a Maori.
Alley Oop's homeland has A space gun with pizzazz, That's a Moo Ray.
A comedian ham, With the name Amsterdam, That's a Morey.
When your chocolate graham, Is so full and so crammed, That s'more, eh.
When you've had quite enough, Of this dumb rhyming stuff, That's "No more!", eh?
Ok, so this one needs a bit of buildup.
At the time (a week or so ago) I was making a homebrew item for DnD (for the uninformed, Homebrew are custom made items/classes/spells to use in a DnD game at the discretion of the DM (Dungeon Master)).
I had shown this item (shameless plug) to my friend (who is also the DM of the campaign I'm in now) in the hopes of using it in the campaign. He had pointed out that the item was a bit OP for it's cost and that the homebrew page I had made for it was too long. We were discussing ways to improve both the item and the page, and then got on the topic of magic items in general.
It went something along the lines of this:
DM: ... you can't really destroy a magic item before removing the magic from it. Like, you could try to melt down a magic sword for example, but all that would really do is make it too hot to hold. You could even bend it, but not outright destroy it.
Me: That's gotta be one pissed off magic sword.
DM: I mean, yeah, if it's sentient.
Me: Maybe it got so angry at being bent, that it gains sentience just spite you or something.
DM: Well, yeah maybe.
And this, people of reddit, is when the PUN, popped into my head.
Me: *leans in* you could say that the sword gained sentience cuz it got... bent out of shape.
A second or two of silence, and I see the pun register in his head, and I fucking lost it.
I then laugh for a straight minute. After about ten secunds of me busting a gut, he said "Aight, Imma head out"
We're cool now, but he really didn't want to talk to me the next day.
I'm performing a comedy and I have an improv bit where I call someone a goofy name. It needs to be a pun on something in Judeo-Christian cannon, bonus points if it's about the angel michael. I.e. Michael Sword-an or Joan of Snark... something like that. Yall got suggestions???
One broad day in the middle of the night, 2 dead boys got up to fight! Back-to-back they faced each other, they drew their swords and shot each other. A deaf policeman heard the noise so he came and shot the 2 dead boys, if you don't believe my story is true ask the blind man he saw it too!
So I told him one my father told me and his father, etc.
One fine day in the middle of the night, two dead boys got up to fight. Back to back they faced each other, drew their swords and shot each other. If you don’t think this story is true son then ask the blind man he saw it too.
He looked at me and said “that doesn’t make any sense!”
“It doesn’t make any dollars either, son.”
Ladies and gentleman, Hoboes and tramps, Cross-eyed beetles, And bow-legged ants. Pull up a seat, And sit on the floor.
I'm going to tell you a story I know nothing about.
One dark day, In the middle of the night. Two dead boys, They stood up to fight.
Back to back They faced each other. Drew their swords, And shot each other. The deaf policeman heard it all, She came to shoot those two dead boys.
Don't believe this lie is true? Go ahead, ask the blind man. He saw it, too.
//Don't know who to credit this, it's a poem my parents taught me at a young age.
Guess that's where the saying comes from:
"The penis: mightier than the sword"
We were watching Harry Potter, and when he dive in the frozen lake to fetch the sword, I said something along "Wake up Hermione, you moron, you're going to freeze to death !".
My daughter then said "He's gonna die from Harrypottermia !"
I was so proud !
I then beat the little shit to death for doing a dad joke before me. That'll show her.
Mods : Sorry if this does not fit the sub.
...in the middle of the night.
Two dead men got up to fight.
Back to back they faced each other,
drew their swords...
And shot each other!
How do you escape Prison?
Bang your head against the wall until it's sore.
Saw your bed in half,
Two halves make a whole,
Crawl through the hole,
Shout until you're hoarse,
Climb on the horse and gallop away!
I have written this book to sweep away all misunderstandings about the crafty art of punnery and to convince you that the pun is well worth celebrating.... After all, the pun is mightier than the sword, and these days you are much more likely to run into a pun than into a sword. [A pun is a witticism involving the playful use of a word in different senses, or of words which differ in meaning but sound alike.]
Scoffing at puns seems to be a conditioned reflex, and through the centuries a steady barrage of libel and slander has been aimed at the practice of punning. Nearly three hundred years ago John Dennis sneered, “A pun is the lowest form of wit,” a charge that has been butted and rebutted by a mighty line of pundits and punheads.
Henry Erskine, for example, has protested that if a pun is the lowest form of wit, “It is, therefore, the foundation of all wit.” Oscar Levant has added a tag line: “A pun is the lowest form of humor—when you don’t think of it first.” John Crosbie and Bob Davies have responded to Dennis with hot, cross puns: “...If someone complains that punning is the lowest form of humor you can tell them that poetry is verse.”
Samuel Johnson, the eighteenth century self-appointed custodian of the English language, once thundered, “To trifle with the vocabulary which is the vehicle of social intercourse is to tamper with the currency of human intelligence. He who would violate the sanctities of his mother tongue would invade the recesses of the national till without remorse... ”
Joseph Addison pronounced that the seeds of punning are in the minds of all men, and tho’ they may be subdued by reason, reflection, and good sense, they will be very apt to shoot up in the greatest genius, that which is not broken and cultivated by the rules of art.
Far from being invertebrate, the inveterate punster is a brave entertainer. He or she loves to create a three-ring circus of words: words clowning, words teetering on tightropes, words swinging from tent tops, words thrusting their head into the mouths of lions. Punnery can be highly entertaining, but it is always a risky business. The humor can fall on its face, it can lose its balance and plunge into the sawdust, or it can be decapitated by the snapping shut of jaws. While circus performers often receive laughter or applause for their efforts, punsters often draw an obligatory groan for theirs. But the fact that most people groan at, rather than laugh at, puns doesn’t mean that the punnery isn’t fu
... keep reading on reddit ➡My sister is a teacher at a private high school for kids with learning and behavior difficulties. She just texted me for help with a funny slogan about spreading cheer and kicking ass.
Basically, each student "adopted" a teacher and they're going to do some sort of obstacle course. They're Santa's helpers, and have hats, shirts, and swords. She just came up with this idea at the last minute and would like help thinking of a punny tagline.
Any ideas?
...and there is a scene where Milo stabs the Senator through the arm with a mini sword.
My mom turns to me and says "He didn't have very good armer".
I was tending bar last night and walked up to the service well to make a couple of drinks. The two girls sitting in front of it were in the middle of a conversation. Right as I got there, one of them said "...I just didn't like the sharp taste."
Without looking up, I said "that's why my uncle quit his job as a sword swallower."
Despite the busy bar, I swear that I heard crickets as they stared blankly at me.
Me: "So at my co-worker's party, I met a woman who suddenly called out "Link!" at me when she saw me and pulled me over to her side of the room to take a picture of my costume. She said that her friend, who wasn't at the party, had dressed up as Link, too. She was somewhat drunk and rather excited about it. I saw a picture of her friend on her phone. She had put a bit more commitment into the costume since she had a sword and shield."
Dad: "So... did you connect with her friend after the party..."
Me: "Uh.. no?"
Dad: "...on LinkedIn?
Me: *facepalm*
My dad supplies the swords and weaponry to medieval times.
Dad:This day is just like a very large, magical and mythical reptile.
Me: How so
Dad: It's a dragon
No major spoilers, but there's a scene where a character stabs someone in the back of the head with his sword, pretty graphic. In the scene, you watch the sword being pulled out slowly.
Me: "Wow... that was nuts."
Wife: "Yeah..."
Me: "That seemed to take awhile."
Wife: " Yep."
Me: "It was kinda... drawn out.."
So we're talking about the Renaissance festival (Plantersville, Texas) and the stuff you can buy there since my buddy has never been. I was saying you can buy swords, armor etc and this is how the conversation goes.
Me: Dude you can buy long swords there, mail armor etc.
Chris: So can you buy female armor too?
My wife was playing a video game and got a sword called a "pirate's cutlass," which prompted the following:
Me: "That sword will only hurt girls."
Wife: "What are you talking about?"
Me (while wiggling my eyebrows): "Well, it says it's a cut-lass!"
Wife: groans and rolls eyes
Not really a joke, but my dad would say this poem all the time.
One bright day in the middle of the night Two dead boys got up to fight. Back to back they faced each other, Drew their swords, and shot one another. A deaf policeman heard the noise And came to the rescue of the two dead boys If you don't believe this lie is true, Ask the blind man, he saw it too.
My dad used to say this one a lot:
One bright day in the middle of the night, Two dead boys got up to fight. Back to back they faced each other, Drew their swords and shot each other. The deaf police man heard the noise. He came and killed those two dead boys. And if you don't believe this lie is true, Ask the blind man, he saw too
He'd always recite the classic:
One bright day in the middle of the night/ Two dead boys got up to fight/ Back to back, they faced each other/ Threw their swords and shot each other/ The deaf policeman heard this noise/ Came and shot those two dead boys/ If you don't believe this lie is true/ Ask the blind man, he saw it too!
Not so much a joke but he always got a kick out of it and you knew it was coming in any car ride lasting longer than an hour.
