Did you guys know that the cast of Friends once took a Boat Trip in the Bahamas but the boat got surrounded by shark's and they were missing for a few days.

Turned out everything worked out fine because Lisa Kudrow

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DaveRave45
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2023
🚨︎ report
A man takes his dog, Ace, to the vet for him to be fixed. He comes back the next day, and finds his dog surrounded by an entire pack of fixed dogs.

He's an Ace of Spayeds.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SolWishing12
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2022
🚨︎ report
The Arctic is a frozen ocean surrounded by landmasses and The Antarctic is a frozen landmass surrounded by ocean.

I guess you could call them polar opposites.

πŸ‘︎ 90
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πŸ‘€︎ u/daditude83
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2021
🚨︎ report
I was midway between the bow and the stern of my 120 foot yacht when suddenly I was surrounded by submarines that just surfaced...

I was amidship man.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2021
🚨︎ report
While taking a tour of a college campus, the tour guide mentioned that the school was surrounded by three different cemeteries.

Tour guide: And did you know that if you live across from a cemetery, you can’t be buried there?

Me: What?? Why not?

Tour guide: Because you’re still alive!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lind-zayy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Pretend you are on a raft in the middle of the ocean surrounded by sharks. You only have a one day supply of water and a harpoon. What do you do?

Stop pretending.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/youthfulcomrade
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend saw I was upset the other day and he said "It could be worse. You could be an irrigated hole in the ground surrounded by brick work that people use to get water"

It didn't help, but I knew he meant well

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HarryGoLocky
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Two friends Bob and Frank are lost in the jungle when they are surrounded by a group of blood thirsty cannibals.

They are surrounded by dozens of the fierce blood thirsty warriors armed with clubs and spears. The leader of the warriors approaches the two friends and informs them they are trespassing on sacred land and unless they can prove they are descendants of the Gods they will be killed and eaten.

Bob and Frank realize they have little choice but agree they will attempt any test to try to save their lives.

The chief warrior brings them a bowl full of angry fire ants and drops one small seed into the bowl. He informs them they must put their lips in the bowl and suck as hard as they can. If they manage to suck up only the seed without sucking up an ant then the tribe would know they must be sent from the Gods.

Bob looks wearily at Frank but knowing they have no other options he puts his lips in the bowl and sucks hard. He immediately gets a mouth full of ants and screams in pain as they bite away at the inside of his mouth. Frank now even more nervous takes his turn and to his dismay also receives a nasty mouthful of the viscous buggers.

The warriors leap to their feet and surround the friends, β€œNow you must die” declares the chieftain. Just as the first spear is raised to Franks throat he screams β€œTria-Gan!” The warriors stop dead in their tracks. β€œWhat did you say” asked the chief. β€œTria-Gan” yelled frank again. Immediately the chief and his warriors turned and fled into the forest.

β€œHoly shit” said Bob β€œWhat did you just say and how did you know it would work?”

β€œWell” said Frank, β€œmy Mother always told me if at first you don’t suck seed try Tria-Gan.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/usernamemispeled
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
🚨︎ report
A grill owned by a bee from a local bar was surrounded by a swarm of other bees who also frequented the bar The grill later released a single about that moment

It's called 'I'm a Bar Bee Grill in a Bar Bee Whirl'

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rannak
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2018
🚨︎ report
I was surrounded by pigeons in the park that wanted to over throw my sandwich

So they attempted a coo

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the plus sign say when it was surrounded by 4's?

"I eight when this happens"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GirlsUsedToDissMe
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2018
🚨︎ report
Despite the recent controversy surrounding Alec Baldwin.

I will always stand behind him.

πŸ‘︎ 917
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DiabeetusJoe
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2023
🚨︎ report
The sound from a musician on stage bounces off the auditorium walls to surround the audience, but the sound from a pigeon on stage does not do this.

The reason is a coo sticks.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wimpykidfan37
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2023
🚨︎ report
The circumstances surrounding Eminem’s weight loss are highly suspect…

He’s real slim shady.

πŸ‘︎ 94
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ho2Me9
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2022
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about all the controversy surrounding Elon Musk’s recent announcement that he would be undergoing cosmetic height surgery?

They’re calling it ElonGate

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yeahimo
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2022
🚨︎ report
A blind man not familiar with the area asked for help so I described the surroundings

I was commenting for visibility

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mv041
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2022
🚨︎ report
Why did the police surround Kohl's?

There was a report of casual tees.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Football-Real
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2022
🚨︎ report
The best way to catch a polar bear is to dig a hole in the ice and surround it with peas.

When the bear stops to take a pea, you sneak up behind it and kick it in the ice hole.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/banditk77
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2021
🚨︎ report
If the atmosphere surrounds the globe, what would be above a flat earth?

The notasphere

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Avogadros_plumber
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2021
🚨︎ report
Can puns be offensive?

I’m writing flower puns for a book. Is it in bad form to write What did the transplanted bearded iris say to the garden? I’m surrounded by stigma.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WendyB33
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2023
🚨︎ report
My wife and I are renovating our bathroom…

We just finishing applying the mortar to the tub surround and adding the tiles. While we were cleaning up, she was complaining about all the mortar dust getting in her feet. I asked her how it got there and she replied that it’s all over the floor. β€œYou walked in it?”, I said and she nodded. I replied with, β€œone does not simply walk into mortar.” I’m sleeping on the couch tonight.

πŸ‘︎ 215
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zaxisprime
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2022
🚨︎ report
Now is definitely not the right time to start surrounding yourself with positive people.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_simplepotato_
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife told me we didn’t need the surround system for our living room I bought...

I told her it was a Sound Investment.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PrivateRyGy
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2020
🚨︎ report
A hole was discovered in the fence surrounding the local nudist colony

Authorities are looking into it

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/flippantteacup
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
🚨︎ report
A ghost story

A man and his son are out for a walk one day, while on vacation in rural Alaska. The father says, "Always look both ways before crossing the street." His son disagrees, "it's the middle of nowhere, there's no traffic here!" The argument turns heated and the father is so agitated that he's not paying much attention to his surroundings. Just then the trail crosses an old logging road. Right at that moment a logging truck, the only vehicle for miles, comes out of nowhere and kills the man instantly. Aghast, the son is shocked... and only more so when his father's ghost rises from the corpse. "Dad... can you hear me?" He manages to say. "You're transparent... I can see right through you!" Unperturbed, the ghost turns toward his son with a triumphant smile. "There now, I believe... I've made myself clear!"

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EarlGreymalkin
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2023
🚨︎ report
Breaking News: Last night someone drilled a hole into the fence surrounding the local nudist colony.

Police are looking into it.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MisterCrispy
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Why does Missouri have the most surrounding states?

Because Missouri loves company :)

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TexasSheetCake
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2013
🚨︎ report
An English lady, while vacationing in Switzerland, fell in love with a small town and the surrounding countryside.

She asked the pastor of a local church if he knew of any houses with rooms to rent that were close to town, but out in the country. The pastor kindly drove her out to see a house with a room to rent. She loved the house and decided to rent the room. Then, the lady returned to her home in England to make her final preparations to move to Switzerland.

When she arrived back home, the thought occurred to her that she had not seen a β€œW.C.” in the room or even down the hall. (A W.C. is short for β€œwater closet” and is what the English call a toilet.) So she immediately emailed the pastor to ask him where the β€œW.C.” is located.

The Swiss pastor had never heard of a β€œW.C.,” and so he Googled the abbreviation and found an article titled β€œWayside Chapels.” Thinking that the English lady was asking about a country church to attend near her new home, the pastor responded as follows:

Ms. Smith,

I look forward to your move. Regarding your question about the location of the W.C., the closest W.C. is situated only two miles from the room you have rented, in the center of a beautiful grove of pine trees. The W.C. has aΒ maximum occupancy of 229 people, but not that many people usually go on weekdays. I suggest youΒ plan to go on Thursday evenings when there is a sing-along. The acoustics are remarkable and the happy sounds of so many people echo throughout the W.C.

Sunday mornings are extremely crowded. The locals tend to arrive early and many bring their lunches to make a day of it. Those who arrive just in time can usually be squeezed into the W.C. before things start, but not always. Best to go early if you can!

It may interest you to know that my own daughter was married in the W.C. and it was there that she met her husband. I remember how everyone crowded in to sit close to the bride and groom. There were two people to a seat ordinarily occupied by one, but our friends and family were happy to share. Β I will admit that my wife and I felt particularly relieved when it was over. We were truly wiped out.

Because of my responsibilities in town, I can’t go as often as I used to. In fact, I haven’t been in well over a year. I can tell you I really miss regularly going to the W.C. Let’s plan on going together for your first visit. I can reserve us seats where you will be seen by all.

Sincerely,

Pastor Kurt Meier

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I don't get all the excitement surrounding Nintendo's new product announcement...

My house is full of light switches!

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/quakesand
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2019
🚨︎ report
I told my dad not to marry a Siberian woman.

It was happening so fast. I saw the pictures of her home, surrounded by frigid desolate grasslands. I told him not to Russian to anything, make sure your not being snowed. He didn't listen to me.

I have to admit I was wrong! I am really warming up to my steppe mom.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2022
🚨︎ report
In college, I took many classes on the study of past events surrounding scraps of food from a meal

I even changed my major to Ort History!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Once considered to be holding funerals near a dead crow, now evidence indicates that crows may be examining the body and surrounding area for potential threats to the flock.

It's a murder investigation.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2018
🚨︎ report
The back-up camera in my car always shows the message, "Check your surroundings for Safety".

I always check, but haven't seen safety yet.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MarcusB4588
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2017
🚨︎ report
Why is Wednesday stronger than all the other days?

Because it is surrounded by the week

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2022
🚨︎ report
My Son (new father) made his first dad joke

Granted my son is known for corny (akadad) jokes but this one is a gem and I’m so proud I knew I had to share it here.

Two men were stranded in the desert for about a week with no food or water. They were getting pretty desperate.

One of the men saw a tree in the distance. It was simply covered in bacon. So much bacon that there were no leaves to be seen. More bacon than the two of them could eat in a week. They were saved!

After sharing his discovery with his companion; the man began to run towards the tree, the scent of bacon overwhelming his senses.

Right before he reached his goal he was surrounded by many men firing repeatedly at him. He was struck by several bullets from all directions.

Too late he realized it had not been a bacon tree that he had seen, instead it was a ham bush.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PrincessGump
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2022
🚨︎ report
I asked my dad if he had heard about the conspiracy theories surrounding the Denver Airport...this was his response.

My dad was picking me up at the airport yesterday. I had just flown in from Denver. After reading an article on reddit, I paid more attention to the apocalyptic artwork around the airport, and decided to ask my dad if he had heard of any conspiracy theories.

DAD: Wouldn't surprise me if that were true, what with all the scandal surrounding Mayor PeΓ±a.
ME: Who was that?
DAD: He was the mayor of Denver for a long time. They named the street PeΓ±a Boulevard after him even! It's crazy. I heard they even wanted to name town hall after him.
ME: But they didn't because of a scandal...?
DAD: Nah. They just felt weird naming it the "Hall of PeΓ±a". Get it, JalapeΓ±o?
ME: ...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/littlesunnymay
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2013
🚨︎ report
Painting the church

A Scot named Wayne MacTavish was a very frugal, thrifty painter. He often thinned the paint with turpentine to make it go a wee bit further.

He got away with this for some time - until the Baptist church decided to do a restorative painting on the outside of one of its biggest buildings. Wayne put in a bid, and because his was the lowest, he got the job.

He set about erecting the scaffolding with the planks, and then bought the paint. And, yes, I am sorry to say, he thinned the paint with turpentine.

Wayne was up on the scaffolding, painting away, with the job nearly completed. Suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened, and the rain poured down, washing all the thinned paint off the church. Wayne was knocked clear off the scaffolding and landed on the lawn among the gravestones. He was surrounded by little puddles of thinned and useless paint.

Wayne was no fool, He knew this was a judgement from the almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried,

"oh, God, forgive me! What should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke,

"Repaint! Replaint and thin no more!"

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ May 22 2022
🚨︎ report
I got arrested at NASA.

I didn't understand the gravity of the situation.

Edit: thanks for the awards, kind strangers!

Gamora: "I am going to die surrounded by the biggest idiots in the galaxy."

πŸ‘︎ 339
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jonnyabcde
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2021
🚨︎ report
The boys from ACDC went to watch Liverpool play football

As they sat in the home end, Angus turned to Brian and said "Y'know what, I'm hungry. You see a tucker anywhere nearby I can grab a snack from?"

Brian scanned his surroundings and saw only a single snack cart, all the way at the Anfield Road end of the stadium. Dejected, Brian says, "Forget it Angus. It's a long way from the Kop if you want a sausage roll."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chrisnolliedelves
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2022
🚨︎ report
Pretend you are on a raft in the middle of the ocean surrounded by sharks. You only have a one day supply of water and a harpoon. What do you do?

Stop pretending.

πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hibdob
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2019
🚨︎ report
The sound from a musician on stage bounces off the auditorium walls to surround the audience.

The sound from a pigeon on stage does not do this.

That's because a coo sticks.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/calmtitties__
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2022
🚨︎ report
The sound from a musician on stage bounces off of the auditorium walls to surround the audience. The sound from a pigeon does not do this....

The reason is, a coo sticks

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChefRagnarok
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2022
🚨︎ report
The sound from a musician on stage bounces off the auditorium walls to surround the audience.

The sound from a pigeon does not do this, the reason is a coo sticks.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YasserDjoko
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2022
🚨︎ report
How to Catch a Polar Bear: 1)Find a frozen lake 2)Dig a hole in the ice 3)Surround the hole with frozen peas 4)Hide nearby.

When the bear stops to take a pea, kick it in the ice hole!

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/banditk77
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2020
🚨︎ report
The sound from a musician on stage bounces off the auditorium walls to surround the audience

The sound from a pigeon on stage does not do this because of a coo sticks.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Deadly_R
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2021
🚨︎ report
To catch a polar bear you surround a hole in the ice with peas

Then, when he goes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JosephsMythJr
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
The sound from a musician on stage bounces off an auditoriums walls to surround the audience, however

The sound from a pigeon does not, because a coo sticks.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/heightsenberg
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
🚨︎ report
The sound from a musician on stage bounces off the auditorium walls to surround the audience. The sound from a pigeon on stage does not do this.

The reason is a coo sticks.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CarlosMingos22
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2020
🚨︎ report

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