Mickey mouse failed to divorce with Minnie mouse because the judges said “you can’t just divorce with someone for being stupid” to which Mickey said:
“I didn’t say she was stupid, I said she was fucking Goofy”
Since it started raining my wife just stares sadly through the stupid window …
If it gets any worse, I guess I’ll have to let her in.
During my time as a PhD student I used to draw stupid puns on the whiteboard. This is one of my favourites.
Last year we did a Secret Santa where everyone had to give each other furnace parts. I'm so ticked for the stupid gift I got.
Sorry. I just gotta vent.
My kid said "I left my backpack in the STUPID car!
I replied "don't call the car stupid! It passed it's emissions test!!!"
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
Did you know that 97% of the world is stupid?
Luckily I'm in the other 5%.
Did you hear about the zoo with only one stupid dog?
Yeah...its a pretty shih tzu
What’s the difference between my stupid neighbour and an alarm clock?
Alarm clock screams before I punch it
What do you call Bell when she's acting stupid at the gym?
Dumbell
98% percent of the population is stupid.
Luckily I'm part of the 3%!
What do you call your stupid cousin from the Capital of Syria?
Dumb Ass Cuz.
My son told me the other day "Dad, I'm sick and tired of all your lame ass stupid jokes!"
I said "Hi sick-and-tired-of-all-your-lame-ass-stupid-jokes, I'm Dad."
My arch enemy pointed at my T-shirt which read "Never forget WW2" and said "I bet you're so stupid you don't even know what the second W stands for".
I stared dead at them, pointed, and said "This means War!"
Did you hear about the German one who was stupid?
Apparently he was 1 der fool
I met a stupid Australian the other day
He didn't understand Evolution at all, in fact he claimed to be from Darwin.
The other day, my son asked me why I think guns are stupid
I told him it's because they can't even read
I was listening to the song "Stupid Girl" with my son today.
I turned to him and said, "Man, the band that sings this song is Garbage."
My wife's comment when the commercial for Expedition Unknown: Hunt for the Yeti came on...."has he looked at his stupid face?" To which I replied:
"Not Yeti."
I like to collect the stupid things my family says.
This might be a bit long? My family isn't the brightest of individuals.
Sister: My balls are caught in the door!
Me: LOL, WHAT?
Sister: The poof balls on my shoes.
**Grandpa**: I saw you took my junk out of your car and threw it into my car.
**Grandma**: *grins and nods*
**Grandpa**: You're so sweet.
**Grandma**: And I saw lotto tickets too.
**Grandpa**: I dunno where those came from.
**Grandma**: Uh-huh. Probably a damn $5 dollar ticket too.
**Grandpa**: No, $2.
**Me**: He doesn't know where they came from, but he knows how much they cost.
**Grandpa**: *starts adding more to my list of chores*
~
**Grandpa**: It's kinda hot in here.
**Grandma**: NO IT'S NOT, Take off your damn clothes if you're hot.
**Grandpa**: Is that all you ever want me to do, take my clothes off?!
**Me**: OH DEAR GOD, I'M RIGHT HERE.
~
**TV**: The line, "To be, or not to be. That is the question!" is from which Shakespeare play?
**Grandma**: Julius Caesar, right?
**Me**: Wow.
~
**Me**: How can you NOT like that movie. It has WILL SMITH.
**Grandma**: *thinks* Is it that movie, and he has a partner?!
**Me**: YES. And he's in the west and there's that giant spider at the end!
**Grandma**: WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?!
**ME**: I DID.
~
**Grandpa**: I need to get a tree saw.
**Grandma**: What's a tree saw...
**Me**: A TREE SAW. A saw, that saws trees. You can't simplify it anymore than that.
~
*while watching American Idol*
**Me**: Omg, that guy's nose is HUGE.
**Grandpa**: If he sniffs really hard, he could overdose on oxygen.
~
**Grandpa**: I'm looking for my camouflage underwear, but they're camouflaged so well, that I can't find them!
~
*Sister rambles on about hating cats and how they're scary*
**Me**: You're just a weenie, Tyla.
**Tyla**: Oh yeah? Well at least Papa loves weenies!
*Me and Papa look at each other*
**Me**: I sure as hell hope Papa does NOT like weenies.
~
*As we drive home, the tornado siren goes off*
**Kaylah**: Have you ever seen it?
**Me**: ...Seen what?
**Kaylah**: The car with the siren.
**Me**: What in the hell are you talking about?
**Kaylah**: Isn't the tornado siren on a car that drives around town?
**Me**: ......
~
*While driving through Alton one morning*
**Grandma**: Here, take a sip of this.
**Me**: Ew. Coffee is nasty.
**Grandma**: No it isn't! It wakes ya up, and puts hair on your chest!
~
*Grandma walks out of the bathroom and wipes her wet hands on my face*
**Grandma*Did you know that 97% of the population is stupid?
Luckily I'm in the other 5%.
