The Specialist Puns

I was like what are you some kinda meaty urologist?

He was hackin' in a coffin.

Master Cylinder

Dad: "Better not forget about it then!" (laughs a bit too much)

Granny: "Ha"

Me: facepalms

The plot revolves around an MD whose patients all have unusual symptoms and need to be seen by a specialist.

Working title: REFER MADNESS

The supportive friend: "U-K?"

The advice friend: thinland

The personal trainer: Core-ia

And the health specialist: Germ-any.

Feel free to add more.

My wife is 8 weeks pregnant with our first (twins, actually). Today we had an ultrasound to check on them before my wife is officially transferred from the fertility specialist to her OB/GYN.

Nurse: Both heartbeats are a healthy 144.

Me: Gross.

Nurse: What?.... Oh. (nervous laugh)

Wife: (facepalm)

Me: (ear-to-ear grin)

Some of my family was watching the Bachelorette the other night and they were introducing some of the contestants and what their jobs are. One of the contestants was an erectile dysfunction specialist.

"Well that doesn't sound like a very hard job"

I cracked up at myself.

He went to his doctor, who referred him to an eye specialist. They performed every test possible, but found nothing wrong with his eye. Since the pain was still persistent, he showed a number of specialists, had every test done on him, consulted quacks, and all to no result. He still felt excruciating pain whenever he had tea. Finally, he decides to visit an old sage. The sage sits him down and pours him some tea. As soon as he takes a sip, he feels the pain again. The sage sets his own cup on the table, and quietly says "Next time you drink tea, remember to remove the spoon from the cup."

Note: Quality Very Varying (I see what I did there) and sometimes subject to specialist knowledge. So I apologise in advance. Shame me with your better puns.

While I was languishing in the Language Centre, doing some semantics antics and considering how all the other linguistics students despised and derided me, I was accosted by a stout man with large glasses who made me a preposition. It was that I should collect terrible puns, to do with linguistics, in order to ingratiate myself yet further with the other linguistics students (including even the phonetics fanatics).

I'm struggling to think of a pun to do with grammaticality that both makes sense and "Is grandma tickly?" correct. I'm also stuck on 'morphologician'. (I'm not actually sure that's a particularly logical word for the subject, though I guess that's more for, er, more for a logician to worry about.)

The problem I have with writing about phonological variation is that one is constantly forced to choose between being fun or logical - very Asian!I always get in trouble with electricians, they think I'm calling them a 'dialectician' whereas in fact I'm just saying "Die, electrician."

I like pscycholinguistics – the only department of linguistics where it’s acceptable to wear a cycle helmet. My Australian accent is terrible but I like to think my Sath Efrican one is predicate. My favourite accent is Received Pronunciation, because it is the accent chiefly used by invisible Japanese people who are ordered online. When the first recipient of an invisible Japanese person got the parcel, they wrote a complaint saying "Received but can't see Asian" and the name stuck.

Why did the speakers whose native languages weren't English, but whose only shared language was English, but they weren't very good at it and kept on having to stop to think about it, stop talking to one another? They came to an agreement. (Get it? If not, write your answer on a pastecard and paste it to the below address.)

What did the 'a' say to the 'the'? "You definitely are ticklish, 'the'!"

Why was the small man eaten by the large bear, which was proportionately bigger than him? It had, er, relative claws.

I think the reason there are so many speakers of Russian is because they all partake in an activity called "copulae shun". (Ok, ok, I know, that was Pushkin it.)

I know a man called Hillary who can, might, should, did, must, shall and will ride an ox. We call him "Ox Hillary".

I always think the verb 'to be' in the senten

My family has hired an tree specialist to take care of and old and rotten tree in our yard.

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Me: So the tree lady will be here at 11:00 tomorrow.

Sister: OK, but when will she leaf?

Me: ...