Recently, the Kansas City Chiefs acted quickly and had to pull their team barber out mid-cut because they learned he tested positive for COVID.
Guess you could say that it was a close shave
A rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says says, “Get out. We don’t serve rope in here.” So the rope goes out, cuts itself in two before tying the two sections together. It then pulls out a comb and combs its ends. The rope then walks back into the bar.
The bartender says, “Hey! Aren’t you the rope that I just threw out?”
The rope replied, “No. I’m a frayed knot.”
Why did they pull a lawsuit against the spa for their wax treatment?
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!”
The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber says, “Don’t change the subject!"
Where is it most unsafe to play the “pull my finger” game?
A man goes to the doctor, and says "doctor, I havent been peeing correctly and its painful". The doctor replies "I will have to perform a prostate exam." As the doctor examines the man, he pulls out an $100 bill out of his bottom. This continues, he keeps pulling out money from this man's bottom.
After about half an hour the doctor says..."You won't believe this, but i just pulled $1999 out of your bottom"
The man turns around and says "Yeah, I wasn't feeling 2 grand"
Are you gonna pull it all the way out?
What time does the train pull into the station?
Choo-choo thirty, I'd say.
A man is speeding down the road, so a cop pulls him over...
The cop says "Why weren't you braking back there?"
And the man replies "I'm wearing clean underwear."
The cop says "Why is that relevant?"
And the man says "Well, I don't wanna get any skidmarks."
When my mom was in labor, my head got stuck in her, and the midwife had to pull me out.
That’s how excited I was to see my little brother.
What do you call someone who has the ability to pull off a lie in every situation?
What do you get when you pull all the legs off an ant?
Why did Christopher Columbus pull a bunch of Swiss chard out of the ocean?
He wanted to be in uncharded waters.
My brother has me worried. Any time he drives by a milk farm, he pulls over and leaves a few dollars on the fence.
Doesn’t he know cow tipping is illegal?
People who pull forward into parking spots are living in the moment. Those who back up into the spot, are thinking about the future.
If your dentist pulls the wrong tooth
Why did the bored man pull his money out of the bank?
I met a gangster the other day who pulls up people's underwear...
You’re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say “Terry? That’s a girls name!” He pulls out his gun and shoots you.
You have died from dissin’ Terry
What did the Great Deku Tree tell Link when he couldn't pull out the master sword?
I like to keep a photo of the Sun on my phone. When people ask me if I have any kids, I start telling 'em about my son and how bright he is. I then pull out the phone to show them the photo.
Why did the snowman pull his pants down?
Cause he heard a snowblower coming.
A worker tells his boss about a great idea. The boss says "let me think about it" then pulls a bad 80's wig from his desk and puts it on. The worker asks "what's that for?"
The boss says "I need to mull-it over..."
The wife seemed way too eager to pull the trigger on that divorce...
Why did the cop pull over the U-Haul truck?
He wanted to bust a move.
A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich. When he receives the check, he pulls out a gun, fires it several times, then walks out the door. If you don't get it look up "panda" in the dictionary ...
"Panda: A large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China; eats shoots and leaves."
Since today Merriam Webster even has the word dad joke:
"a wholesome joke of the type said to be told by fathers with a punchline that is often an obvious or predictable pun or play on words and usually judged to be endearingly corny or unfunny"
The ultimate dad joke a Hollywood could pull would be casting Ryan Gosling as Goose’s son in Top Gun 2.
My girlfriend Pia pulls me into a record store just before the video game store closes
All I could say was "Pia - no"
I love fishing but I can never pull the fish closer once I hook it.
A cattle farmer has had to pull out of the local marathon.
It was due to a calf injury.
What vegetable did King Arthur pull from the stone?
Every time we pull into the drive-thru
"Hi! I'd like to place an order to go."
Why did the doctor pull a rectal thermometer out of their pocket?
Some asshole has their pen.
What happens to an air conditioner when you pull the plug on it?
People get suspicious whenever I pull out the graph paper
They know I'm plotting something
A Man In a Ski Mask Walks into a Bank, and Pulls out a Coffee Cup at the Bank Teller.
The Bank Teller Goes: " Are you Trying to Mug me?! "
Dad pulls up to a red light, Car next to him revs the engine and yells "race?"
For deer hunting do you use your right hand or left hand to pull the trigger?
Either or, I'm bambidextrous.
Why didn't the skeleton pull the trigger?
Because he didn't have the guts.
My son: hey it’s getting late, I should go. Me (a chef): Would ya look at the thyme *pulls out sprig of thyme*... Bye
I went shoe shopping with my dad the other day. I showed him a pair I liked, and asked him if he thought I could pull them off.
"Well, I'd hope so." he said "I heard getting them on is the hard part."
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!”
The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber says, “Don’t change the subject!"
Why did the policeman pull over the U-haul?
He wanted to bust a move.
If your dentist pulls out the wrong tooth
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