The Mother We Share Puns

To celebrate, we invited all the family and friends we could to my parents' house and then made the big announcement. Everyone was ecstatic and my father in particular was driven to tears. At a certain point during the night he pulled me aside and led me into his study, which I had never really been inside until this point. He opened a safe and produced cigars a bottle of whiskey and a large, beautifully bound book.

"I could never have asked for a better son," my father said, lighting the cigars and pouring the whiskey. "I hope you think I was a good enough father to deserve you."

“Of course, Dad," I said, "You were all I could've asked for and I wish my son admires me even half as much as I admire you."

“Now I've shared with you nearly everything I know," he said, "But not this one thing. This is the Big Book of Dad Jokes. There are many like it but this one is special. My father gave it to me when your mother and I first found out she was pregnant with you, and I studied it and studied it, learning all the dad jokes I could and mastering book's secrets. I hope it serves you as well as it served me in being a father... No... I know it will serve you well. I love you, my son."

“Dad... I don't know what to say... I'm honoured..."

“Hi Honoured, I'm Dad."

A great bundle of Internet puns; enjoy!

You despise Microsoft FrontPage as a web editing tool and as extensions to your webserver.

You can answer the question ‘is the internet broken’ without laughing.

You can spot the theme behind the following list: RedHat, SuSE, Debian, Caldera, Slackware.

You can feel the load a server is under without actually checking statistics. It ‘just isn’t running right’ actually makes sense.

You maintain more than four websites and do not have time for a personal web page.

You know all of the following people by reputation and can explain what they’ve done that is relevant to your world: Steve Case, Linus Torvalds, Eric Allman, Sanford Wallace.

You know what TCP/IP stands for, not to mention DNS, HTTP, SNMP, BGP, OSPF, and DUN. You like acronyms.

I think Bing could have totally crushed Google if they had called it “Bang”. I mean, think about it.. “I BANGED Emma Watson last night.”

The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI…

On the Internet you can be anything you want. It’s so strange that many people choose to be stupid.

Girls are like an internet virus: they enter your life, scan your pockets, transfer money, edit your mind, download their problems and delete your smile…

Chuck Norris created the World Wide Web using a typewriter. When Chuck Norris plays hide and seek, even google can’t find him.

A press release: “Yesterday, for the first time a hacker was convicted of network penetration and went to jail to serve a 12 years sentence. According to the data of the central computer of the police, the hacker goes to liberty the day after tomorrow because of expiration of the sentence.”

Justin Bieber got 100,000 retweets for tweeting “Live life full”. That’s just 3 random words. I’m going to try now. Jockstrap squirrel potatoes.

Facebook: “My kids are perfect.” Instagram: “My kids are beautiful.” Twitter: “My kids are why I drink.”

The facts on this website are Chuck Norris’ smallest acheivements. If you knew what he was really capable of, you would never sleep at night.

Teacher: If you spend all your time sitting round playing on the Internet, you’ll be fat and useless when you grow up. Pupil: Wow! You must have spent hours surfing when you were a kid!

What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? An URLologist.

So I would imagine he would probably be pretty proud of me sharing his "jokes" on here. Even though they were a persistent annoyance for me growing up, I almost feel like sharing them with the Reddit world kind of takes away some of the specialness. I can't claim any of these are original, but outside of my father, I've never heard anyone else use them.

#1. Whenever he has to pay for anything ANYWHERE, he says, "my name is Crime". The usual reaction is a blank stare. Then he says, "Crime doesn't pay".

#2. Anytime we go out to a restaurant and the waiter comes to hand us our check he says, "No thanks we can't stay for the drawing, you can contact us by phone if we win anything".

#3. The mother of all his "dad jokes", this one elicits the most laughter. Anytime he tells someone how he met my mom he says, "In college I used to be her tutor. I tutored her in anatomy by braille".

He'll on occasion drop others, but those are the ones I grew up with and that he still continues to use to this day. The crime joke. Every. Single. Day. I'm surprised my mother hasn't murdered him after all these years...

Context: My mother's maiden name is Shearing and she had been at her parents, helping them out for a few days (they live far away) and had been talking about getting the wifi password, which was difficult.

So she said that she phoned her sister, but that a co-worker of her sister picked up. After being asked if he could help, my mother replied "Well unless you can tell me my dad's wifi password..." He laughingly replied "Sorry, that's not the type of information we share in this office."

Now my dad looks across the table, smiles and says "It's not the type of information they Shearing that office?"

Me and my family went to get our Christmas tree on saturday. It was me (17), my sister (21), my father(49) and my mother(47). We're all trying to find the perfect tree when my sister finds a tree with mushrooms around it.

Sister: "Look! I found mushrooms around this tree!"

Me: "Well we can't get this one, it's infected with fungus."

Dad: "There's a fungus among us!"

Thank you for allowing me to share. I don't know why I found it so funny but he said it without missing a beat. Hope you enjoyed it.

To celebrate, we invited all the family and friends we could to my parents' house and then made the big announcement. Everyone was ecstatic and my father in particular was driven to tears. At a certain point during the night he pulled me aside and led me into his study, which I had never really been inside until this point. He opened a safe and produced cigars a bottle of whiskey and a large, beautifully bound book.

"I could never have asked for a better son," my father said, lighting the cigars and pouring the whiskey. "I hope you think I was a good enough father to deserve you."

“Of course, Dad," I said, "You were all I could've asked for and I wish my son admires me even half as much as I admire you."

“Now I've shared with you nearly everything I know," he said, "But not this one thing. This is the Big Book of Dad Jokes. There are many like it but this one is special. My father gave it to me when your mother and I first found out she was pregnant with you, and I studied it and studied it, learning all the dad jokes I could and mastering book's secrets. I hope it serves you as well as it served me in being a father... No... I know it will serve you well. I love you, my son."

“Dad... I don't know what to say... I'm honoured..."

“Hi Honoured, I'm Dad."

To celebrate, we invited all the family and friends we could to my parents' house and then made the big announcement. Everyone was ecstatic and my father in particular was driven to tears. At a certain point during the night he pulled me aside and led me into his study, which I had never really been inside until this point. He opened a safe and produced cigars a bottle of whiskey and a large, beautifully bound book.

"I could never have asked for a better son," my father said, lighting the cigars and pouring the whiskey. "I hope you think I was a good enough father to deserve you."

"Of course, Dad," I said, "You were all I could've asked for and I wish my son admires me even half as much as I admire you."

"Now I've shared with you nearly everything I know," he said, "But not this one thing. This is the Big Book of Dad Jokes. There are many like it but this one is special. My father gave it to me when your mother and I first found out she was pregnant with you, and I studied it and studied it, learning all the dad jokes I could and mastering book's secrets. I hope it serves you as well as it served me in being a father... No... I know it will serve you well. I love you, my son."

"Dad... I don't know what to say... I'm honoured..."

"Hi Honoured, I'm Dad."