All their hard work really is just one big, fruitless endeavor.
Incontinent
“Well, son. Weight is your size in relation to the Earth’s gravity.
Mass is what Catholics go to Sunday morning.”
Pew! Pew! Pew!...
He was a Serial Kaler
"No, but your hat's on crooked."
"Sorry, no pun n' ten dead"
But really, it's music that causes gun violins
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
Because they're his holey shoes
Because she’s always running away from the ball.
Someone through threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me. Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
There were a lot of casual tees.
No wonder they are called the Pirates of the Carob Bean.
...mass contamination.
Note: The play on the word mass which can refer to a church service or a large number of people.
Because we were about to be ash-tagged blessed
As she is entering, she trips over. The Mother Superior rushes over to help "It seems you got into a bad habit this morning" Says Mother Superior.
My father is fond of jokes and pranks (even though I only pretend to laugh .-.) but there's this story that I always would genuinely laugh at whenever it is brought up. So here it goes...
We've always gone to Church every Sunday when we were kids and on one of those Sundays, my father decided to make my mother laugh by shaving only HALF of his beard. So while the other side has hair, the other is shaved. He casually walked up to my mother and asked if he looked good in his "new fashion style." My mother laughed so hard she couldn't breathe.
When that was over, we got ourselves ready and went to Church. While praying, there was a bunch of people looking at my father. He noticed that as soon as he looked at those people, they'd cover their face, bow their heads and walk away. He felt weird. So he got into this 'thinking position' where he had his hands to play with his beard. And that's when he realized...HE FORGOT TO SHAVE THE OTHER HALF AT HOME AND NO ONE NOTICED UNTIL WE GOT THERE. HAHAHHAHAHA He was so embarassed, he covered his whole face until mass was over.
That's all folks. Thank you for coming to my dad talks .
I asked, "Why do you care about the NSA monitoring church gatherings?"
He retorted, "Well, separation of church and state."
At home he was shy, quiet and retiring, but in the church he was a real fire and brimstone orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he was two different people.
One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.
"Ah," he said, "That's my altar ego."
What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!
I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!
Have you heard of that new movie, “Constipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.
I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said “No, doc, it’s dis knee.”
Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.
When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.
What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.
What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!
I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."
Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!
Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.
Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.
What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!
What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!
Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!
How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!
When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!
19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.
My friend told me, “People who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, “Yeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”
How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!
What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. “Taken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)
How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.
If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.
I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.
I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!
What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon
Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem
... keep reading on reddit ➡15g was talking to 30g for 10m. It was the conversation of mass.
The priest says “Higgs-bosons aren’t allowed in here.” The higgs-boson says “But without me, how can you have mass?”
Why doesn't the usa change their measures from pounds to kgs?
Because it would cause mass confusion
After many years of wandering, he finally arrived in a small village in the middle of nowhere. The people there believed in the same religion as he did, but they had no church; they had to go to the nearest one which was in a small town 25 km's from there. The priest took the initiative, asked the Church for support, and with the help of the local men they built their own temple. From there on, he was celebrating the Sunday masses, joining together men and women in Holy Matrimony, and saying prayers at the funerals.
Many years passed by like that.
At the end of an ordinary mass, in early spring, on a chilly Sunday morning he was just guiding the people out of the church, was about to close the gates when an unknown man stepped into the churchyard.
With his dirty and torn clothes, he stood before the priest and said:
-
Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was a good man, and even though he thought the request was a bit strange, he went back to the rectory, took out a lemon, cut it in half, took it back to the man and gave it to him, who looked back to the priest with gratitude. However, the priest was curious. He asked:
-
Son, why do you need this half of a lemon? - with a fright on his face, and before the priest could have said a thing, he rushed out of the churchyard gate and took off.
A week later, around the same time, when the priest was leaving the church, he found himself in front of the same man in the churchyard. The man said:
-
Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was surprised by the appearance of the man and his strange request. Of course he was good, went back to the rectory, and brought the half lemon. Placed it in the stranger’s hand and immediately he asked:
-
Here it is, my dear son, but please tell me why do you need this half a lemon? - the man was obviously frightened and immediately ran away but the priest was not sluggish either and ran after him. He wasn’t in a very good condition, he has never run so much and so fast before so he was out of breath by the end of the village, almost fainted. He thought the strange man might appear again next week, and it would be nice if he could keep up with him, so he spent his week working on his cardio. It turned out to be a good idea, because as he thought, the stranger entered the churchyard on Sunday. The priest didn’t even wait for the request, he was good, and brought the half lemon. He received these words from the man:
-
Thank you
The priest says “We don’t allow Higgs Bosons in here”.
The Higgs Boson replies “But without me how can you have mass?”
I was studying a course of Mass Transfer and found this in the book.
They are secretly teaching us about the Nazi Gas Chambers
There'd be mass confusion
(Inspiration: https://www.reddit.com/r/monkeyspaw/comments/cy1td0/i_wish_the_usa_would_finally_switch_to_the_metric/eypnk65?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
The mass murderer
Not many people are aware of its existence but I assure that it is there all the same. The king of this little land faces a lot of difficulty. He wants to make his kingdom into a sovereign nation but unfortunately they do not have the infrastructure, population, or economy to do so. In fact, this small state is only known for a single export. Thanks to their proximity to some of the finest gold and other metals in the world but total lack of an ability to process those metals on a mass scale, they have been left with only one option. You know the saying; when life hands you lemons, make lemonade. Make lemonade they did. This tiny territory is renowned for creating the highest quality watches in the world. No expense is spared and their elite group of craftsmen train for their entire lives from childhood to produce these terrific timepieces. Men of great wealth and taste have been known to trade entire fortunes for just a single one of these watches; that is how valuable they are.
The king knows this and he knows that only a small portion of his populace can ever hope to become one of the respected elite, let alone hold one of their masterpieces in their own hands. Being a very just and fair man, the king ordered the most senior watchmaker in the land to create something the likes of which had never been seen. A watch of such great craftsmanship so as to be above monetary value. The man labored long and hard for many nights to produce the king's watch. When he at last presented the completed work to his lord - in front of the entire nation, no less - he was met with thunderous applause and a warm embrace. He had done it! The king then made a shocking announcement.
"This masterpiece belongs to my people!"
When the roaring of the crowd died down he continued.
"This watch shall be a symbol of my love for all of you. Though I rule over you with supreme authority I do not wish a single one of you to feel that you do not have a voice in the ruling of this nation. From this day on let anyone who doubts my decisions or questions my judgment wear this watch and stand as my equal to voice their concerns. Should even a single one of you think me unfair or wrong in any matter then simply come to my castle and I will present you this token of good faith."
The king made good on his word and from that day on all citizens knew they held the right to challenge their king's rulings. Over time the watch became a symbol of fairness throughout the land. Anyone who wore it
... keep reading on reddit ➡I mean... just look at those:
- Why has Gwen Stacy been on the web lately?
to spite her man. -River
- Why do you carry a Laptop in your back pocket?
Because rapping like a computer must be in my genes. - Rap God
- Why did Eminem blow?
All he did was throw f-bombs - Rap God
- Why did Eminem buy the rap game a maxi pad?
Because it's having a rough time period. - Rap God
- Why did Eminem look so shocked when he watched a church gathering take place?
He was witnessing a mass occur. - Rap God
- How could Eminem poop Jerusalem?
Because his shit is real. - Caterpillar
- Why is Eminem so ill-behaved?
He's got a couple of mansions, but still no mannors. - Lucky You
And these are just a select few.
Everyone got a little too loud and the teacher told us to turn the volume down. My friend said she was pressuring us to do stuff. The teacher told her to sit her mass down
Police are on the look for the mass murderer.
How do two programmers make money? One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.
Where’s the best place to hide a body? Page two of Google.
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history – with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
If it weren’t for C, we’d all be programming in BASI and OBOL.
There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t.
In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurling down the highway.
An SQL statement walks into a bar and sees two tables. It approaches, and asks “may I join you?”
Why is it that programmers always confuse Halloween with Christmas?
Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft… and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. It’s a hardware problem.
I named my hard drive “dat ass” so once a month my computer asks if I want to ‘back dat ass up’.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
I changed my password to “incorrect”. So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say “Your password is incorrect”.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.
Wifi went down during family dinner tonight. One kid started talking and I didn’t know who he was.
I would like to thank everybody that stuck by my side for those five long minutes my house didn’t have internet.
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
Are you a computer whiz? it seems you know how to turn my software to hardwar
... keep reading on reddit ➡Girlfriend: Have you heard of Sin city?
Me: Yeah, the movie?
Girlfriend: Nope, have you heard of Den city?
Me: No stop, I won't let you do this.
Girlfriend: It's mass over volume.
I think I'm in trouble for not letting her finish the joke
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now!
Lettuce pray
...mass contamination
Note: The play on the word mass which can refer to a church service or a large number of people.
But the mass would be the same.
