The Jerks Puns

I said "That's a hairy ass ass ass, ass!"

I hope you're happy.

Sorry, I'm going off on a tan gent.

Apparently he wanted to churn out catchy pop songs

He really gets a kick out of it.

He’s telling a dumb blonde joke when a young platinum haired beauty jumps to feet, “what gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?”she demands. “What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?”

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer an apology

“You keep out of this! She yells, “I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”

...the jerk had me charged; assault with a breadly weapon.

Teacher: “If acceleration is constant, we get all these really nice formulas. If acceleration is not constant, the math gets messy.”

Me: “You might say that for ruining the math, it’s being a jerk.”

And we have 2 jerk wad cats that get the zoomies nightly at around 3 am. They started chasing each other upstairs above our bedroom...

My wife: omg is there an elephant upstairs?

Me: shhhhhh....we dont talk about him.

Then I got hit with a pillow.

I said, “The jerk store called for you.”

"Well…" he said. "It could have been anyone. Right up until we landed, we hadn't decided who would be first out the door. Then, once we touched down, Neil suggested we flip for it."

"And he won?" I said.

"Well, no…" he mumbled. "The coin was still in the air when Neil jumped down the ladder, the big jerk."

He got the no Bell prize for being a jerk.

he sits down and orders a drink. the bartender says, "I'm sorry. we don't serve ropes at this establishment". The rope shrugs it off and leaves. The next day, the rope thought to himself, maybe it was just the one bartender who was a jerk. I'll go back and try again. He walks into the bar, see's a new bartender, and sits down to order a drink. Alas, this new bartender says, "we don't serve ropes at this bar". The rope is getting pretty heated at this point. He storms out of the bar, ruffles his ends, gets himself all twisted up, marches right back in, and demands a drink. The bartender responds, "aren't you that rope I just kicked out?" the rope responds, "no, I'm a frayed knot"

The doctor said it was a knee jerk reaction

But no one complains about the hedgehogs? Share the hedge, jerks!

So my dad was going through his normal morning ritual, when he screamed "GODDAMMIT" from the bathroom. He walked out a few minutes later, looking sad.

Me: "What was the yelling about?"

Dad: "I dropped my toothpaste."

Me: "That made you upset?"

Dad: "No, ZTheJerk. Upset doesn't cover it. I'm absolutely crestfallen."

"Stop shaking the stool you little jerk"

Hi my school is having a competition related to skin. My teammates and I are looking for a clever skin related term. Reddit's the holy grail of puns so I figured I could find something here. It dirty or clean it doesn't matter there are no rules. EDIT: We had the competition today, and as I replied down lower my team wanted the name, "Myoclonic Jerks." Wasn't skin related, but they liked it.

So I went to the garage and started it up.

She said, "Well, I guess it takes a big jerk to start it!"

The second I arrived his chickens started to attack me.

He fought them off and said, “Sorry about them. They’re jerk chickens.”

A few months ago, my mothers aunt had died so we went to her funeral. Before the funeral mass had started, my mom told my brother and me to go up and say hello to Aunt Beth (the woman who had died). A few minutes later, my mom comes up and asks both of us "Did you go up to Aunt Beth and say hi" to which my brother replied "Yeah, but she was a real jerk. She just laid there and didn't say anything"

One evening, I was on Teamspeak talking with a few people I know; one of them being a German guy called Willi.

He's gone away from the keyboard for a few minutes and someone asks where he is. A friend of his jokes that he's probably jerking off to porn.

To which I replied "Are you trying to tell me he's playing with his Willi?"

Cue groans from the entire channel.

And we're not talking little finger twitches, these are big, full body jerks. The kind you get when you feel like you're falling and wake up suddenly.

After a particularly big one, I asked "Are you a cow?"

She said "No, why?"

"Because if you were you would be beef jerky."

Without missing a beat, she asks: "Because of how much I moooove?"

Walking around the grocery store with dad when we see some jerk sauce out of place.

Dad: "I can't believe this, what type of person leaves a bottle of sauce like this out of place?!" (He's being pretty loud)

Me: "Who."

Dad: "A jerk."

Person behind us snickers

Everyone starts clapping.

It isn't exactly a joke, it's more of a jerk move that just happens to be funny, but whenever my Dad and I go out to eat, (or whenever we're eating really), he'll always take a bite from my plate saying that he is making sure it isn't poisoned, and if he likes it, he has to take a second sample to make sure. When I was a kid he would do it all the time and I would get so upset, and now I do it to my little brother whenever I take him out to eat, and it makes him so miffed.

and we found a Schecter C1 with a natural wood finish and spent like an hour playing it, despite being in the middle of a room packed full of exotic guitars. I own a Schecter bass and through playing a few different models I have come to the conclusion that Schecter is the Valve of guitar manufacturers, but I'm not here to wax poetic about Schecters, I can do that on my own time.

Anyway, we went home afterwards and he posted a status on Facebook about it, which included the line

> ...and in a room full of hyperexotics, spent an hour metaphorically jerking off to a Schecter C1.

I replied with

>>metaphorically

and he came back with

>They don't call it a wood finish for nothin'.

There's a scene where the young couple visits the author (played by Willem Dafoe) who turns out to be a real jerk.

At first we thought he was a friend... Turns out he was Dafoe.

...and says

Dad: What're you making?

Me: I'm cooking up some jerk chicken

Dad: Woah woah woah, the thing is already dead no need to call it a jerk.

We were in the car and at a stop light. He starts pumping his breaks to the music and jerking us around. I turned to him to ask him what he was doing.

He said 'break dancing' Can't wait to use that one!

If you've ever been to a hospital that has valet service, you know that they can sometimes drive like jerks.

So my dad and I were driving up the parking ramp to our parking space for an appointment (valet service is optional at this hospital), and one of the valet drivers was riding our ass the whole way. I said, "Damn, this guy in the Lincoln needs to slow down." My dad responded, "The valets here all drive like jerks." As we reached the parking spot the guy pretty much blew past. So then I chimed in with "You'd think people at a hospital would be more patient." And my dad just replied with a groan and a "gee whiz."

Reading "'Twas the Night Before Christmas"

"He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

And filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk.

And laying his finger aside of his nose,

And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!

But we never did figure out who the jerk was."

We're just jerks on one end waiting for jerks on the other.

"And he won?" I asked.

"Well, no..." he mumbled. "The coin was still in the air when Neil jumped down the ladder, the big jerk!"

"Then, once we touched down, Neil suggested we toss for it."

"And he won?" I said.

"Well, no." he mumbled. "The coin was still in the air when Neil jumped down the ladder, the jerk."