The Hearse Puns

Will Curl Up And Dye For You

Wouldn't be seen dead in one of those.

The delivery is always a little stiff.

Now i'm tired.

...dead lifts

The coffin.

(I'm sorry.)

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to hand him the money.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said,

"Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."

The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much,to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all.

Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 year

A hearse is driving up a very steep street and once it gets near the top, the back door opens up and the coffin comes shooting out of the hearse and rolls down the street.

People are diving out of the way, cars are swerving, it’s chaos! By the time it reaches the bottom of the hill it has picked up a lot of speed and crashes into a wall surrounded by people.

The door pops open, the body sits up and says “Do you have anything to stop this coughin?”

I'm currently running my players through a D&D adventure titled "Curse of Strahd".

Last session, my players found a journal revealing details about the main villain, Count Strahd Von Zarovich. When they acquired it, I passed the adventure book over--opened up to an illustration depicting the journal's pages--and one of the players proceeded to read. After struggling for a bit, he said, "I'm having a tough time reading this cause it's so cursive."

Yes," I responded. "It's the cursive Strahd."

I had that one chambered and ready for weeks, just waiting for the right moment.

What my players don't know is that I'm also going to include a few other bits of flavor for my them to find as they progress through the game:

• A fancy handbag with the initials "SVZ" hammered into the leather... the "purse of Strahd"
• A grave in which the Von Zarovich family nanny is buried... the "nurse of Strahd"
• A carriage very obviously built to accommodate Strahd's coffin... the "hearse of Strahd"
• A book full of poetry written during Strahd's younger days, before he was consumed by darkness... the "verse of Strahd"

My wife and I were coming home from the grocery store when we passed a funeral procession coming from the opposite direction. The hearse was just hit by another car at the intersection, to which I said, "Boy, talk about DOA!"

Groans were had and I'll be resuming my shuttling duties shortly, ferrying souls to hell with me.

My dad and I were driving on the interstate, when we pass a hearse. He points to it and says, "I love cars and all, but that's the LAST thing I want to ride in".

ugh...

I was driving with my parents and see a hearse in an auto shop and I was like, "That hearse's engine probably died!" then comes the groaning

My 6th grade teacher had a reputation of being the meanest, strictest teacher on campus, but once I made it through his class, I realized he could be a jokester, too.

-In math class, he liked to tell a long, complicated story about a boy encountering a genie, eventually wishing for some odd things, just to end it with the punchline, "Gee, I'm a tree." (geometry)

-Another one of his long jokes consisted of a man being chased by a hearse. In a fit of desperation, he throws some Halls throat lozenges at it...."and the coffin went away."

-During study time, he would sometimes grab a balloon from his desk, blow it up, and proceed to slowly let air out of it, just to produce the squeaky noise.

-His favorite short joke: "Doctor, doctor, I broke my arm in three places!" "I advise you to stay out of those places."

-He was also probably the all-time leader of correcting, "Can I go to the bathroom?"

-He would also occasionally play opera music at the end of the day, not dismissing the class until we made it through an entire song without laughing.

-There were also a couple words that incited a specific reaction from him. Many of these words showed up often in history class, which is his favorite subject (probably because of all the jokes):

• CARGO - "cargo beep beep".

• RAY - Whenever the word or name "ray" was mentioned, he would always respond with "You can call me Ray, or you can call me Jay, but ya doesn't have to call me Johnson." Needless to say, we hated the math lesson about rays.

• HUDSON - During mentions of the Hudson River in history, he would always sing back "HUDSON 3-2-700."

• OKLAHOMA - Whenever Oklahoma came across, he would sing the famous line from Oklahoma! the musical. (with an especially long "ohhhhhhh!")

• SURELY - "...and don't call me Shirley." (but of course, who doesn't respond with that?)

• GERONIMOOOO!!!! - pretty self explanatory.

• Sticking with these obscure quotes and references, his two favorite days of the year are November 5th and March 15th.

Anyway, it was a fun year with that teacher. I'll add more of his quirks if I think of any.

-Also,

My dad points at the hearse and says "I hear people are dying to ride in that car."

Buddy and I are driving and are cut off by a beat up old hearse swinging across several lanes to turn right:

Buddy: Where the **** is he going?

Me: I don't know, but I guess he's dying to get there.

Several days later on FB..

Friend: Avacados are the MOST disgusting things ever.

Me: I'm actually an advocato for the things.

To properly organize it, my family had to start discussing what day my grandma's funeral would be before she actually died. My dad cautioned our speculation with "don't put the cart before the hearse."