The Grunt Puns

I told her I’ll try not doing it again.

And I heard a bunch of yelling and grunting near the tennis court. I went over there and asked

"What's with all the racket?"

When he makes it over to the tree, a robber steps out and points a gun at him.

The man says, "whoa, I just wanted some of the bacon from the bacon tree!"

The robber grunts and says, "This ain't no bacon tree. This is a hambush!"

It's a small town so they know Police Officer Ed well enough to know that he can be pretty curt and rude. As they pass him, they exchange pleasantries. The husband tips his hat and Officer Ed does the same. The wife says, "Hello Officer Ed, it's a beautiful day isn't it?" Officer Ed looks at the sky, grunts, and says, "It looks like rain." The wife looks at the sky and says, "But there isn't a cloud in the sky." Officer Ed doubles down, "It's definitely going to rain."

The husband doesn't want to start any problems so he bids the officer good day, takes his wife's arm and leads her along. Once they were out of earshot, the husband said to his wife, "Listen, Rude Officer Ed knows rain, dear."

Without any replicators on the family orchard, he decides to do it analogue with his brother's old sewing machine.

He puts a thread through the needle, his uniform underneath, and switches it on. It whirs and grunts out clunking noises before being switched back off.

"Robert your machine is broken!"

"What do you want me to do about it, Jean-Luc?"

"I need you to make it sew!"

Today, my friend Mia and I found out we had PreCalculus together and thus sat across from each other and began talking about our schedules while our teacher prepared the student contracts. (For reference, Mr. Waage is one of the music teachers in my school.)

Mia- "I have Waage three times in my schedule this year and two are back to back." Me- "What periods do you have him?" Mia- "0, 4th, and 5th period." Me- "Looks like you are getting maximum Waage."

Grunts and cringes ensued

So I work construction and it was me and 2 other guys working a few days ago. Working in an unfinished home when my coworker drops a tape measure in a small floor vent. Me being the smallest guy in the crew he asked me to see if I could reach it because he can't fit his arm in to grab it. So I was able to get it but it scrapped up my arm pretty good.

Coworker says "dang, that looks like it hurt, we could've gotten it another way. You didn't need to do that."

I reply with "It's okay, desperate times call for desperate measures."

Much grunting ensued.

Me: Alice, what is the coldest tree? Alice: What is the coldest tree! Me: The Buuuuurch Tree Alice: angry grunt

A man sees a priest buying hard liquor on a Sunday at a shop down the street from the church the priest is the pastor of. Surprised, the man, who went to that church, asked why he was buying a 5th of Jagermeister.

The priest said, "it's an old catholic secret that Jagermeister helps ease constipation, which one of the nuns has.

So the guy shrugs and leaves, only to see the priest later that day, not halfway back to the church, drunk as a skunk in the gutter, tipping the brown paper bag with Jagermeister in it all the way back as he drinks it.

He pulls up in his car and asks, "I thought you said it was for a nun's constipation!?"

The priest grunted, "It is! She's going to shit herself when she sees me like this!"

I'm posting this, my grandfather's joke, in honor of him passing a few months ago.

We eventually got to the gibbon exhibit where my son noticed one of them hanging off the cage, grunting and pooping.

Son: Oh jeez, Dad look at that.

Me: He's gibbon it all he's got.

To which my sister about choked on her mountain dew

Dad: "Look, ImRedditingOnMyPhonr, they're gonna move me!" (Pretending to sob and pointing at a movers truck) I stared at it until I I read the name on the side of the truck, "Town & Country Movers", I thought about it for three more seconds before realizing my dad's car is a Chrysler Town & Country, facepalms and grunts were well had

I got to pick up a package and the usually greeting is exchanged, followed by the almost inevitable..

Mailman: "Anything else you need?"

Me: "Yeah, I was wondering where I could get postage stamps to send international e-mails?"

With my obvious joking demeanor, I got a grunt and a smile!

Tonight, my dad is barbecuing salmon for dinner. In order to barbecue this salmon, he needs to first put it in warm water in the dishpan so that it can thaw. However, my mom is using the dishpan, and it's full of water, so he has to wait for her to be done.

Shortly thereafter, she's done with the dishpan and goes to the door to go outside and throw the water on the plants. Only problem: the door is closed. So the following exchange occurs.

>Mom: Hey dad, can you grab the door for me?

>Dad: OK. grabs door handle really hard HNNNNNNG

>Mom: ಠ_ಠ

>Dad: grunting with effort I'm doing this for you, dear!

>Mom: Can you... open the door for me, dear?

>Dad: Oh. opens door What did you think that was going to accomplish, anyway?

So we were on our way back from the grocery store, with our groceries bagged in the back of the car.

As my father drove, we hit a bump, causing our jug of milk to tumble about, the man sounding a soft grunt of frustration.

"The milk is ruined! ...we're going to have to use milkshakes now," my sister joked.

A few seconds passed, and my father simply stated, "It is a milkshake now."

I turn up at the house with an old friend of mine. My Dad comes to the front door to let us in.

Me: Hey Dad, what's up?

Dad: The sky.

He proceeded to grunt with laughter.