His act was always in tents.
There are too many Shellfish Fishermen!
Don’t worry i’ll recover
Hundreds of pirates returned home to Penzance to celebrate Christmas with their families.
Apparently the Arrrr rate has increased dramatically.
At first the curse just brought him bad luck, causing vital equipment to break and provoking frequent but small injuries to him and his crew. Soon, however, the curse darkened and diggers the man had hired to help work his claim began to die in bizarre ways.
One was killed by an African scorpion that should never have made it to Alaska, let alone have survived the cold. A second drank a gallon of the mercury used to separate the gold from the ore. A third was found with a tree growing up through his body.
The man himself who owned the claim became more and more pale. His eyes became all white. His skin began to give off an overpowering smell of sulfur. He slept all day and at night he wandered the mountain above his claim, coming back each day looking more like a beast than a man.
The curse became so bad the last worker alive ran away to the nearest town to tell the authorities what was happening at the claim.
In an attempt to save the claim owner's life and lift the curse, a priest was brought in by dogsled to perform an exorcism on the man.
A sherriff from the town came with the priest as a bodyguard.
The exorcism was long, but apparently successful. Immediately the man's color returned, the sulfur smell disappeared, and he was able to sleep through the night for the first time in six months.
After the man awoke, the sherriff immediately arrested the man and brought him back to town with the priest. Standing in front of the judge, the sherriff was asked what charge the law had against the claim owner whose life had just been so dramatically turned around.
The sherriff looked at the man, then looked back at the judge and said in a slow and rumbling voice, "Possession as a miner."
At home he was shy, quiet and retiring, but in the church he was a real fire and brimstone orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he was two different people.
One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.
"Ah," he said, "That's my altar ego."
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to clean up the bird’s vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.” John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke up, and asked very softly : “May I ask what the turkey did?”
I'd like to thank my friend John for sending me this dumb joke
So my two grandfathers we talking to each other at a family dinner, and got on the topic of work history.
Grandpa 1 was saying how he went from being a florist to a manager at a car factory. Grandpa 2 asked how he came about making such a dramatic career change.
Grandpa 1: "Well I always was a plant manager."
After weeks of hard work and dedication, his grades start picking up.
A month passes and the semester is finally over.
He approaches his father and shows him his grades.
The father looks dramatically into his son's eyes and says:
"long time no C".
Characters: My wife, my son (four years old), and my daughter (his twin, so obviously also four).
Son: "My classmate didn't like me laughing at her today."
Wife: "Why were you laughing at her?"
Son: "I'm a vampire! Bwa ha ha ha ha!"
Wife: "OH! Like an evil laugh?"
Son: "Yeah! Bwa ha ha ha ha!"
Daughter: "I'm a witch! Hee hee hee hee!"
Wife: "So you're both monsters?"
Son: "Yep!"
Daughter: "Hee hee hee hee!"
Wife: "Am I a monster too?"
Son: "Yeah! You're a ... " <dramatic pause> " ... mummy."
Whole family in hysterical laughter, and after it dies down he goes, "Get it!? Mummy!"
I've never been so proud. A spontaneously generated pun of that caliber at four years old, AND an unnecessary clarification/repetition of the joke? I've got high hopes for this one.
So, this just happened last night. My son (11 years old, and a true lover of dad jokes) is not presently speaking to me.
After i just finished cutting an avocado in two... Me: Shall we "halve" some avocado with dinner tonight? Huh? Huh? (Dramatically pointing to the cut produce in Vanna White style.) Son: (Unimpressed). I might take a little. Me: You might? I say you "halve two!" (Again gesturing dramatically to the two halves.) Son: groan That was TERRIBLE... But you score extra points for a double pun. Me: Av-a-cad-o million more where those came from. Mic Drop
and today, we were playing a game of "Yes, Let's!" If you're unfamiliar, that's a group improv exercise where one person says "Let's do a thing!" and everybody else replies "Yes, let's!" and then proceeds to act out the scene. After acting out said scene, somebody freezes, then everybody freezes, and then someone else starts one.
In this case, it was "Let's go to a Michael Jackson tribute concert!" Now, we'd just been coached to assume distinct roles in an attempt to construct a coherent narrative, and so I, as an awkward, scrawny, blond white man, slipped effortlessly into the role of a shitty Michael Jackson impersonator. And I must have been doing something right, because the rest of the group quickly formed a scene as the audience, security, and crew, and stupidity ensued as I sucked at being Michael Jackson for all I was worth.
A few people started heckling, and then one of the audience members barged past security and mimed punching me in the head, whereupon I dramatically spun and dropped to the floor with a resounding THUD (knowing how to fall is a useful skill). The reaction was about a third laughs, a third stage-gasps, and a third just confusion. But I did get a few compliments after the exercise on my impression and my theatrics.
So I'd say that was a pretty big hit.
My wife and I were waiting in line at the pharmacy to get her some of the good stuff from behind the counter. When she's sick she can be a little overly dramatic.
Her: "I think I'm dying, do they make anything for that?"
Me: "Funerals"
My dad and I were staying at a hotel, he tried the coffee and smiled. "Ahh, it's like making love in a canoe.", "Is it that good?" I ask, he stops drinking looks me in the eyes and said "no, it's fucking too close to water." As he slowly poured it down the sink dramatically.
Watching TV at my parent's house with my wife a couple of weeks ago.
Commercial comes on advertising the Apocalypse now movie, my dad mentions it and then says
Dad: that was a good movie, did you guys ever see it?
Wife: nope, never seen it!
Dad: oh you should watch it, then watch the remake of it they made a few years later, they re-cast the whole movie with only black people. pauses for dramatic moment It's called A-packa-lips-now
Wife: what...
Awkward pause for maybe two seconds, I chuckled, my mom rolled her eyes and then my wife finally got it.
She nearly died laughing
My four-year-old son ran excitedly to the door to greet her. When she opened it, her appearance was startling. She looked like a goth. Her eyes were surrounded with jet-black make-up, with dramatic extra lashes drawn to the sides.
My son let out a shriek and rushed back into my arms for a hug. "What's on Mommy's eyes?" he asked tearfully.
I replied, "Ma scare ya?"
He's a fast-paced Jazz Big Band director. When a section is lost, he ALWAYS says this line, "Be alert. [dramatic pause] The world needs more lerts."
My daughter was singing dramatically the other day while in the bathtub. I said with all that singing it sounded like a soap opera.
I have a co-worker that goes to the gym after work most days. He also happens to be a little dramatic, which helped here.
Me: "Hey, man. How was the gym?"
Him: "Revolutionary!"
Me: "Ah, so today was bike day?"
Momentary pause followed by those sweet, sweet groans from him and one other co-worker within earshot. Great way to end the day.
We were watching the movie and she says "this movie isn't going anywhere", and I sit for a moment before replying, "yeah, 80's comedies were mostly a string of gags" pause for dramatic effect, "coincidentally, so were 80's pornos!"
I proceed to laugh at that for 2 minutes while she roles to her side and ignores me.
My dad and I were out in the yard one day in the fall, a flock of geese fly over.
Dad: You see that flock of geese up there?
Me: Ya
Dad: You ever notice....(pause for effect).... that they fly in that....(long pause)... V-Shape?
Me: Ya
Dad:You ever notice.....(long pause for dramatic effect)... that one line.....(pause while pointing at the flock)..... is almost always longer than the other?
Me:Ya
Dad: (Long pause, he has got me now) Do you know why that is?
Me: No
Dad: (Cracking a smile) Because there are more geese in that line.
Dad: "Hey let's go eat at that new restaurant over there"
Unsuspecting victim: "It's not new, the sign says 'Serving delicious food since 1923'"
Dad: "Yeah, that was only... dramatically looks at watch... 24 minutes ago!"
So it's 5pm and I start talking to my dad about dinner, because it always takes ages to decide. Over the next hour and a half, he proceeds to ignore all dinner planning conversation. It comes down to a heated conversation in the kitchen where I begin dramatically shaking his shoulders and asking 'Don't you remember me starting this conversation NEARLY TWO HOURS AGO? Do you REMEMBER?! TWO HOURS! I am DYING!' My dad smirks. 'Hi dying, I'm..' at which point I begin my dramatic eyeroll... '...Dory!'. Pause.
'Do you get it? Like Finding Nemo.'
'...yeah dad. I got it.'
TL
We were putting up Christmas lights outside our house and I noticed the power lead was laying across the ground in front of our front door. I told my wife we had better tape it down because it's a (dramatic pause for effect) ELF HAZARD! The groan was priceless !
I was having a bad day, so i was complaining how everything sucks. My dad was like: "Son, remember this for the rest of your life; EVERYTHING in this world is shit.. dramatic pause ..except piss" this happened in the shopping centre too, so i felt very embarrassed lol
My class just got some 2-month old ducklings and I volunteered to duck-sit this past weekend. As we are loading them into the car, Dad over-dramatically sniffs the cage and says "Man, there is a reason they are called fowl"
I work at a "field house" before home football games, serving beer n' what not, and a large chunk of what I make is off of tips that come in envelopes. As I pick my envelope of tips up I hear a jingle of coins inside of the envelope. Dramatically I stop and stare at my boss,
"Everything okay?" - boss
"Yeah everything is fine, I just didn't expect this much change in my life."
The surrounding co-workers groaned at the joke, but as I am leaving a lone drunkard walks up to me, gives me a high five, and congratulates me on fatherhood.
Don’t worry I’ll recover.
