What did the dog say when he threw his old chew toy away?

It was nice gnawing you.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fullmiz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2021
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Why do scientists chew gum all the time?

Because they like ex-spearmints.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/musical-gamer6
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
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What did the man say to the fruit chews?

Hi chews!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DaffynitionMaker
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2020
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Why did the founding fathers chew on their pens?

They wanted "in da pen dents"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Votey_McVoteface
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2018
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Don't smoke and chew Wrigley's at the same time.

You'll get gum cancer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/amznnblzn
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2015
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Breaking News: Archaeologists believe that they've uncovered a cache of pencils that belonged to William Shakespeare. A spokesperson for the dig said they're so badly chewed on the ends,

we can't tell if they're 2B or not 2B.

πŸ‘︎ 594
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PavilionFlux
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2021
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My son kept chewing on all the electrical chords we had set up for the holidays, so I grounded him...

He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly...

πŸ‘︎ 113
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
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A couple of dogs were sitting in the kitchen chewing the fat. First dog says, β€œI heard a good joke today.” Second dog replies, β€œGo on then.” First dog continues, β€œKnock Kno..."

Second dog leaps up and goes berserk...

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/youthfulcomrade
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
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How does a train eat it's dinner?

It chew chews it!?

Credit: My 3 year old, who validated the joke through my 6 year old.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ“…︎ May 05 2021
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Why did the chewing gum cross the road?

It was stuck to the chickens foot

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/svj1983xx
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2019
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My wife mentioned that our baby chews everything. I told her that he's really going to cost us money.

He chews through paper, plastic and the other day he Bitcoins.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gherkinstein
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2021
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they call Gordon Ramsey β€œraw and uncut,” yet these are the exact words he uses when chewing out the chefs on his show
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πŸ‘€︎ u/skill_challenge
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2019
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What did the cow say to his loud chewing friend?

CUD THAT OUT!!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlindsideArsenide
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2019
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My son keeps chewing on the live electric wires...as a parent, I handled it...

I told him he’s grounded.

πŸ‘︎ 201
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BalenTheWeeb
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2018
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[REQUEST] I'm looking for the best comeback to the old schoolyard joke, "Do you like seeeeee food?" While smacking and showing off the half chewed mouthful of lunchable they'd just choked down....

And I know most of you here can do better than my,

While stiff arming their face, "I don't wanna seeeeee yo food."

Do you get it? Do ya, cause it's about turning the joke back... You get it right?

Anyway, help a guy increase his dadjoke street cred with his kiddo and his lunchroom hecklers.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GingerHero
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2015
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Son: "The puppy's chewing on a hairbrush!"

Me: "He's just brushing his teeth."
Entire family: GROAN.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rabidmilkman
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2016
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My dog was chewing on the dining room leg

So I told him "hey, just because it's A table doesn't make it E table"

The filthy look he gave me made me think this qualifies as a dad joke

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Puskathesecond
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2016
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Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross. β€œSomething for this I have.” Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a hole in the fence around Yoda’s garden.

β€œSomething I have for this.” Yoda says again. Once again, he takes a bunch of forks out of his bag and, using duct tape, tapes them in to patch the hole.

Yoda and Luke return to Yoda’s home, where Yoda looks through his bag. He’s used all his forks but one, he discovers.

β€œThat’s ok Master." Luke says, wanting to be helpful. β€œI’ll write us a note reminding us to buy more.”

So he writes the note and uses the very last fork to pin it to the bulletin board.

He looks down at Yoda expecting pride, but instead finds a look of horror.

β€œMaster Yoda!” he asks. β€œWhat did I do wrong?”

Yoda replies sagely, β€œA Jedi uses the forks for no ledge and the fence. Never for a tack!”

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2020
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Two caterpillars are escaping a spider...

They climb up a branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped.

"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar, and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and steers the branch through the air with grace and finesse.

"That's amazing!" says the second caterpillar. "How in the world are you doing that?!"

The first caterpillar scoffs. "Am I the only one in the whole damn forest who knows how to drive a stick?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KairuSmairukon
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
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the puppy test

Before you let your kids get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.

Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.

  1. Buy a lead and tie it to a big stone, walk around dragging the stone behind you.
  2. Get up at 5am, go out in the pouring rain and walk up and down a muddy path, repeating good girl/boy, wee wees...poo poos, quickly please
  3. Stuff your pockets with plastic bags and pick up all the poo you can find, obviously not your dogs as you have not bought it yet ??
  4. Start wearing your shoes indoors, especially during muddy times
  5. Collect leaves off the ground and spread them on the floor
  6. Carry sticks and branches indoors and chop them up on your carpet
  7. Pour cold apple juice on the rug and floor....walk barefooted over it in the dark
  8. Drop some chocolate pudding on your carpet in the morning and then try to clean it in the evening
  9. Wear socks to which you have made holes using a blender
  10. Jump out of your favorite chair just before the movie ends and run to open the back door
  11. Cover all your best clothes with dog hair, dark clothes with blond hairs and light clothes with dark hairs
  12. Tip all just ironed clothes on the floor
  13. Make little pin holes in all your furniture, especially chair and table legs
  14. When doing dishes, splash water all over the place and don't wipe it.
  15. Spread toilet paper all over the house when you leave the house and tidy up when you get back home
  16. Forget any impulse holidays and/or breaks
  17. Always go straight home after work or school
  18. Go for walks no matter what the weather, and inspect every dirty paper, chewing gum and dead fly you might find
  19. Stand at your back door at five in the morning shouting, "Bring Mr Bumble and Mr Lion in, its raining.”
  20. Wake up at 3am. Place a correct size bag of flour on top of yourself and try to sleep, whilst wiping your face with a dishcloth, which you have left next to your bed in a bowl last week.
    Repeat everyday over 6 months and if you still think getting a puppy sounds like a good idea, Congratulations, you might be ready for your kids to get your puppy.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/specklesinc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
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Shakespeare's Pencil

The British Museum has a display that holds a pencil that belonged to Shakespeare...

Unfortunately it's so chewed up that they can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dgtrekker
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
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Dad getting back into the house from the barn...

Dad: the cows are really mad because you haven't been returning their calls.

Wife: what?

Dad: they've been trying to re-chew all night.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
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Actual underappreciated dad joke

Still one of my best so here's the set up.

I take my wife on a cruise for her birthday. Each night during dinner they have a section of things you would not normally try but you're on a cruise so try it. Anyway one night they had braised ox tongue. So I order it and get a side eye from the wife while doing so. It arrives and I had correctly anticipated her question. Anyway here's the conversation...

Braised ox tongue appetizer is set before me. I cut a small piece and put in it my mouth and begin to chew.

Wife: Well, how is it?!? Me: (slowly looking up) it's... tasty.
W: Did you really order that just to make that joke? Me: yes, yes I did.

In all actuality it was quite good.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/davedin3
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
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Bus Driver

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway, when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts,which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'. 'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?' The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2020
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My 4th grade teacher was a bubble gum Nazi

She hated the chews

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Irv-Elephant
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2020
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T-Rexes hunting for dinner

This is my dad's favorite dad joke.

A teenage T-Rex named Maynard and his father were out looking for dinner.

"Oh hey, dad! Look! A stegosaurus! That'd be good!"

"My Maynard son, no. That would be so hard to chew. There's so much armor there."

A little while later:

"Dad, check it. A big old nest of Pteranadons! Chicken tonight!"

"No, my Maynard son. They would fly too fast, and we cannot reach up there with our arms."

Finally, "Dad! Dad! Check it out! A herd of brontosaurus! It'd be so easy!"

"No, my Maynard son. Brontosaurus ribs take a long time to properly age before they're good eating. Everyone knows this."

The teenage T-Rex stomped and roared, "Daaad, what are we doing? There's stuff right here to eat! What the hell are you looking for, anyway?"

The elder T-Rex shook his head and said, "Carrion, my Maynard son."

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
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Asked my barber for a '2, back and sides'...

Barber: 'Why does everyone go for the Star Wars cut?'

Me: 'Say again?'

Barber: 'The classic Chew back and sides'.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sat_At_My_Desk
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2019
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We had an IDEA...

Back a few decades, I was working in a program with a local college in the Middle East.

The name of the program for ExPats has the clever acronym of "IDEA" (hey, I said it was clever); which stands for "Inter-Departmental Educational Adjunct". It's interdepartmental because my particular specialty not only covers field geology but also paleontology and a bit of archeology thrown in for good measure. Everyone hopes to have a good IDEA...

ahem...

Well, we saddle up and head for the Dune Sea out in the west of the country, where the Precambrian, Cambrian, Silurian, Cretaceous, Pliocene, Pleistocene, and Holocene crop out and access is relatively easy and non-injurious.

Well, we caravan out, some 30 Land Cruisers, Nissan patrol, and the odd Mitsubishi Galloper strong. We all get our maps, compasses and split up into 5 or 6 special interest groups ("SIG's"); where each IDEA has his own GPS and LIDAR laser ranging apparatus. Reason being, that there are very few benchmarks out in the desert, and even those are constantly at the mercy of the shifting and ever-blowing sands.

Since we're split into groups and at any one time, ranging up to and including some 50 km2, when a real find is located, a device called the "DIME" (Digital-Interface Monitor Encoder) is attached and programmed into the GPS for location later; it is a digital sort of low-frequency transponder, developed from technology used by offshore drillers and jacket setters where benchmarks are even more transitory.

The way it works is rather simple. When something is to be marked for later retrieval, a series of wooden posts are pounded in a triangular manner around the find and the DIME is set, programmed with the GPS and attached to one or more of the posts.

That's the theory, at least.

Everything works well, especially all the hardened electronics and computer gizmos, but attaching the DIME to the stakes is the real problem. It can't be nailed, screwed or fastened with any sort of metal contrivance as that farkles the magnetic field and causes all sorts of goofy spurious signals. Zip ties don't last long in the heat and duct tape is right out. Many sites have been lost to the shifting sands this way.

Velcro doesn't work too well, as the sand fills the hooks of the receiving piece of velcro and soon renders it useless. String or fishing line work, but that's temporary (they melt). Glue or mastic are out as these are supposed to be temporary. Even plastic sleeves don't work due to the heat out

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
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The long game

So a bus conductor in America was doing his job one day, happily printing and checking tickets all day long, enjoying the country views and feeling good about life.

A young lad gets on, chewing gum and being as loud and rude as all teenage lads are. There’s no-one else on the bus, so the conductor takes his ticket machine and bops the lad over the head, killing him. As expected, the Police arrest him. He goes through the legal process, a trial and admits his guilt, however the judge decides that they’re making an example of him and give him the sentence of death by the electric chair.

On Death row, he requests 5lbs of bananas for his last meal, which is duly brought and consumed. As he finishes, the guards arrive to escort him to the chair. As the executioner flicks the switch, nothing happens. All of the equipment is checked and works, but has no effect on the bus conductor. Under the law, this counts as a reprieve and he is released.

He gets his job back and puts the whole incident behind him. Until one day, a little old lady gets on the bus and starts to pay for a ticket in one cent coins. After about 10 minutes of fiddling with change, the conductor runs out of patience and bops the old lady on the head, killing her. As expected, the Police arrest him. He goes through the legal process, a trial and admits his guilt, however the judge decides that they’re making an example of him and give him the sentence of death by the electric chair.

On Death row, he requests 5lbs of bananas for his last meal, which is duly brought and consumed. As he finishes, the guards arrive to escort him to the chair. As the executioner flicks the switch, nothing happens. All of the equipment is checked and works, but has no effect on the bus conductor. Under the law, this counts as a reprieve and he is released.

After getting his job back again, life seems to go well for the conductor, until one day a young lady gets on the bus, casually putting her feet on the seat opposite. By now, the conductor is a little less lenient than in years gone by, so he takes his ticket machine and bops her over the head with it, killing her. As expected, the Police arrest him. He goes through the legal process, a trial and admits his guilt, however the judge decides that they’re making an example of him and give him the sentence of death by the electric chair.

On Death row, he requests 5lbs of bananas for his last meal, which is duly brought and consumed. As he finishes, the guards ar

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BloodAngel1982
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2018
🚨︎ report
Why did the train love bubble gum?

Cause it was a chew chew.

I got a daughter otw, and the gf got me a book of dad jokes, more to come!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pepperelijah
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2019
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Deja Moo

Oh MOOgosh. This might just sound like a load of Bull, but please STEER me out.

Deja Moo (Sung to the tune of Fresh Prince of Bel-air)


Now these are puns all about COWS

Their milk gets flipped, churned all around.

And I’d like to take a minute but I won’t stop and prattle

And tell you this story you haven’t HERD about cattle.


In IstanBULL I was born and BRAISED.

In the pastures back then in my HAYDAYS.

Chewing cud, RUMPING round, and making a fuss.

TANNING out so UDDERLY ridiculous.


When a couple of HEIFERS who had BEEF with me

Started BULLying on my Brand , you see.

I got TIPPED over once and my mom got scared

She said you're MOOvin your behind, your butt, your DAIRY Air.


I whistled for a calf and when it came near

Thought she was a babe, but HE was a STEER!

If anything I can say this STEAK is rare

But that Bovine was BO-FINE so I didn’t care!


I got milked a few times, maybe 7 or 8

More like long-gonehorn, than reliable date.

So I CHUCKED out the udder half of the pasture,

Bevo ain’t a cow, don’t got what I’m after.


Fun fact: a Dairy Cow can produce 125lbs of saliva a day.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KrazyCasey412
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2016
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My first lame dad joke, I don't know if I should be proud or ashamed.

My 3 year old daughter recently began to ask questions about everything - before she just went on with our routine.

Today we told her we should go get some lunch. She said "what is lunch?" - as in, "what are we having for lunch?"

I went on to to explain to her what lunch is; at what time it's had, how it is placed in the mouth with utensils, how the food is chewed, etc.

She just stared at me with a blank face of utter confusion. I can't wait until she starts to get these and actually finds them annoying.

πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ProjectManagerAMA
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2015
🚨︎ report
How do you get yourself out of a real pickle?

Just chew on the problem for a while.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/smhanna
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2018
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Daughter made us proud today

The dog chewed one end off of a bone shaped squeaky toy. She put it on her finger and said, "Look, my finger is really bony!" Guess we're doing the parenting thing right!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ylaena_chance
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2017
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Just say "when"

My mom, dad and I were out at dinner and the three of us got Caesar salads. My dad gets up and grabs a pepper grinder, which is a long, waiter style grinder. He puts pepper on my mother's salad as I stuff my mouth with bread. He then asks like waiters do, "would you like some pepper, sir?". My mouth is full so I nod my head, yes. He says, "just say when", as he grinds pepper onto my salad.

At this point, I'm chewing rapidly so I can say something without choking.

"That's good"

"Just say when, just say WHEN!"

"Uh when"

Good thing I like pepper

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tyrammosoreus
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2013
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Making dadjokes when you can barely talk isn't easy, but I did it.

At work today, a friend of mine came in with two dried Carolina Reaper peppers. If you aren't familiar with these bad boys, they are hotter than Lucifer's testicles themselves. 2.2 Million Scoville units. Two times hotter than the ghost pepper.

To put it into perspective, a jalapeno is about 5000 scoville units. This one was 2.2 fucking million.

Anyway. I walked past my buddy's desk and he asked if I wanted some of the pepper.

OF COURSE I DID!!!

He gave me 1/4 of one of these little peppers and he even dared me to chew it for 15 seconds before swallowing. Which I did. To say that my mouth felt like the burning hemorrhoids of satans budding asshole would be a vast understatement.

One of the girls who sat near my buddy looks at me -- pacing back and forth around the room, sweating, crying -- and she says:

>"Cane-Dewey, are you alright!?"

I could barely breathe let alone speak. But through all the pain and angush, I still managed to mutter out:

>"No, I'm half left.

πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cane-Dewey
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2014
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Friend got me with a carrot.

I'm over at my bff's house for game night. Her dogs have been playing with a chew toy shaped like a carrot that has little treats in it. I go and sit on the couch, where the carrot happens to be.

Me: "Ew, I don't want this carrot by me"

Friend: Would you say you don't Carrot all for it?

I laughed so hard because I really do appreciate dad jokes.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bunnitron
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2016
🚨︎ report
A three-reader face-palmer of a dadjoke

An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CattMristoff
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2014
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The waiter didn't like my dad joke

I was at a restaurant with my dad and girlfriend last night and I got a side called "Macho Peas" which are just peas in a hot sauce (pretty tasty, actually). The waiter came by to ask us how everything was, and I asked him "What landmark do you get when you eat this dish?" "I don't know, what?" "Macho Peas Chew!"

Eye rolls and groans all around!

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Agnostalypse
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2014
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My son kept chewing on the electrical cords so I had to ground him...

He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Evadguitar
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
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I caught my kid chewing on the electrical cords

So I had to ground him He’s doing better currently And conducting himself properly...

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spartan-Yeet
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
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A couple of dogs were sitting in the kitchen chewing the fat. First dog says, β€œI heard a good joke today.” Second dog replies, β€œGo on then.” First dog continues, β€œKnock Kno..."

Second dog leaps up and goes berserk...

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2019
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Why did the chewing gum cross the road?

Because it got stuck on the chicken’s foot.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2018
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I had a 3rd grade teacher who was a real gum nazi

She hated the chews

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Irv-Elephant
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2018
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Which train eats fast?

The chew chew train

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SeekNDdestroy1
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2019
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