I have a cask of amontillado joke
Can you help me get it from the basement?
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︎ Nov 28 2020
So we all know that you find H2O inside a fire hydrant, but what do you find on the outside of a fire hydrant?
π︎ 7k
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︎ May 18 2021
The CEO of IKEA has been elected Prime Minister of Sweden.
He's currently assembling his cabinet.
π︎ 11k
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︎ May 02 2021
True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.
"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."
Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.
π︎ 16k
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︎ Apr 14 2021
How do you determine the mass of a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now
π︎ 9k
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︎ Apr 25 2021
the very peak of my existence about 6 months ago today
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︎ Apr 14 2021
The cast of βFriendsβ got stuck at sea in a boat, but thankfully nothing happened.
π︎ 8k
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︎ Apr 13 2021
The most important part of a mail pun, is the delivery.
π︎ 2k
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︎ Apr 20 2021
What kind of bird doesnβt know the words to their own song?
π︎ 3k
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︎ Apr 30 2021
One of my daughters wants to marry the mailman...
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︎ May 12 2021
What is the opposite of Ladies fingers?
π︎ 8k
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︎ Mar 29 2021
A lot of the jokes on this sub are just terrible, but at the end of the day...
π︎ 1k
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︎ Apr 20 2021
What did the farmer say when all of his haystacks were stolen?
π︎ 643
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︎ Apr 22 2021
The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, "What's happening now?"
"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!"
"So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear.
"Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"
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︎ May 14 2021
The true cost of takeout:
π︎ 279
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︎ May 17 2021
What is the smelliest kind of ox?
π︎ 6k
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︎ Mar 15 2021
Friend of mine asked why I took a side job at the bakery
I told him I donβt knead the dough, but I do get a rise out of it
π︎ 668
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︎ Apr 26 2021
BEE-ware of the WASP
π︎ 3k
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︎ Mar 08 2021
Why didnβt the teacher want to fart in front of anyone?
π︎ 209
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︎ May 15 2021
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took
π︎ 7k
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︎ Mar 06 2021
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in the middle of the ocean?
π︎ 19
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︎ May 16 2021
Which one of King Arthurβs knights named the Round Table?
π︎ 126
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︎ May 18 2021
True story: I was a kid, watching TV in our living room. My dad was outside using the grill. All of a sudden he bursts in the door hopping on one foot yelling βI stepped on a Bee!β
I was so concerned I jumped up and ran over to him...
Earlier that day my friend and I who were really into mountain biking had been using really sticky letters to put our names on our bikes. We were working near the general area of the BBQ.
Apparently I had dropped one...
Stuck to the bottom of my dads foot was the letter B....
A legendary dad joke from a legendary dad.
π︎ 11k
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︎ Mar 07 2021
If Mary is the mother of Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of God
Does that mean that Mary had a little lamb?
π︎ 11k
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︎ Feb 14 2021
Some people were arguing about the most important part of a kitchen.
"The sink is the most important! It's where you get water for cooking, wash your hands, clean fruits and vegetables, and clean the dishes up afterwards."
But another person said,
"The countertop is even more important. It's where the food is prepared. And if the counter weren't there, you wouldn't have a sink at all!"
The first person was shocked. They weren't expecting a counterargument.
π︎ 190
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︎ Apr 26 2021
A man attends a funeral for his best friend. He approaches the grieving widow, gestures to the podium and asks; "May I say a word?" The widow responds "Of course.."
The man stands up and speaks "Plethora." and steps back down.
"Thank you..." says the Widow, "that really means a lot."
EDIT The responses here are incredible! π
π︎ 171
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︎ Apr 28 2021
Guys, make your woman feel special. Place a framed photo of her in the kitchen...
....and write "EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH" on top.
π︎ 265
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︎ Apr 16 2021
Breaking News: Archaeologists believe that they've uncovered a cache of pencils that belonged to William Shakespeare. A spokesperson for the dig said they're so badly chewed on the ends,
we can't tell if they're 2B or not 2B.
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︎ Apr 23 2021
What did the piece of wood say when it had nothing to do?
π︎ 61
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︎ May 10 2021
A lot of people canβt tell the difference between entomology and etymology.
I canβt find the words for how much this bugs me.
π︎ 371
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︎ Apr 26 2021
Why did the student throw a 64 pack of Crayola crayons at his art teacher after he was done with his test?
He wanted to pass with flying colors.
I thought of that myself.
π︎ 49
π
︎ May 13 2021
Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
π︎ 44
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︎ May 16 2021
Did you know that the opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll
π︎ 19
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︎ May 15 2021
Why canβt you do Schrodingerβs experiment on the surface of Mars?
Because Curiosity killed the cat.
π︎ 71
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︎ May 15 2021
When you die, what part of the body dies last?
The pupils....they dilate.
π︎ 89
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︎ May 10 2021
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet
π︎ 55
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︎ May 14 2021
Why do the Swedish put barcodes on the side of their ships?
π︎ 35
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︎ May 17 2021
The local bartender moved his pub to the summit of a mountain and the quality of his drinks improved
He really raised the bar on that one
π︎ 353
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︎ Apr 12 2021
The comments is full of puns like this one
π︎ 96
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︎ Apr 26 2021
I once debated a flat earther. He got so mad he stormed off saying he would walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong.
Heβll come around eventually.
π︎ 11k
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︎ Feb 11 2021
What kind of tree is the best for blocking water?
π︎ 338
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︎ Mar 29 2021
This bloke said to me: βIβm going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.β
I said: βIs that a fret?'
π︎ 410
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︎ Apr 07 2021
What's the opposite of a croissant?
π︎ 90
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︎ Apr 24 2021
I saw the ghost of Gloria Gaynor last night
First I was afraid, I was petrified
π︎ 355
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︎ Apr 18 2021
Sibling humor, the backs of two ocean-themed quilts for my baby bro's new son and daughter.
π︎ 10
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︎ May 08 2021
Thought of this while I was teaching my little brother about the wonderful world of colors
π︎ 52
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︎ Apr 26 2021
If you are on the first floor of a building, and someone one the second floor is being arrested, are you...
π︎ 15
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︎ May 18 2021
The first letter of the sign of a derelict hotel fell off and killed a man.
π︎ 22
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︎ May 15 2021
If H20 is on the inside of a fire hydrant, whatβs on the outside?
π︎ 910
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︎ Mar 14 2021
I can only remember 25 letters of the alphabet
π︎ 74
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︎ May 14 2021
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