My wife called me at work and said β€œit’s time, the baby is coming”

I said that’s impossible, Labor Day is in September!

(New dad of a 3 week old, trying to step into my new role)

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stairsmaster
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Sibling humor, the backs of two ocean-themed quilts for my baby bro's new son and daughter.
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Noobinoa
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2021
🚨︎ report
Baby Roach: β€œPapa, what happens if the humans spray us with Raid?”

Papa Roach: β€œSuffocation. No breathing.”

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FunPeach0
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2021
🚨︎ report
Why does the baby smile everytime his mom exercises?

He really likes milkshakes.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/THPSROCKS
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2021
🚨︎ report
If the stork is the burd that brings babies, what is the bird that prevents babies ?

The Swallow.

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2021
🚨︎ report
What is the baby vampire's least favorite fast food establishment?

Stake n shake!

(I'm not sure if this is a regional restaurant but I assure you it exists.)

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZombieHeyHeyHeyOh
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2021
🚨︎ report
Prediction: There will be a minor Baby Boom in 9 months, and then one day in 2033 we will witness the rise of

The Quaranteens

πŸ‘︎ 27k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tecniklee
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a cheesy baby deer on your lawn in the morning?

Fawn dew.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CMoy1980
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2021
🚨︎ report
What’s the perfect name for a baby boy who’s half white, half Indian?

Rajer

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Winterhats
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2021
🚨︎ report
Why does nobody trust the baby salmon?

It's a little fishy.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kartenhouse
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the police officer put the cranky baby in jail?

For resisting a rest.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/viocult
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2021
🚨︎ report
At a neighborhood party, my wife asked if I wanted to change the baby.

I said, β€œNot really. I like him the way he is.”

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WCBrann
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2021
🚨︎ report
What's the best thing about being a test tube baby?

You get a womb with a view.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/johno_mendo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2021
🚨︎ report
Doctor: I'm going to deliver the baby. . .

Me: Actually, we'd like him to keep his liver.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife said she should get an award for breast feeding the baby.

I said I’d nominate her for the SAG awards.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RootbeerDreams
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the baby say when he saw his food in front of him?

PurΓ©e!!!

(I literally just came up with this and am a new dad. Please be gentle)

πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IronGaben
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
🚨︎ report
9 months from now, there will be a baby boom. 13 years later, will give rise to the next generation, known as....

Quaranteens.

πŸ‘︎ 607
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
🚨︎ report
In a beehive, after the queen bee gives birth to the little baby bees, which bees are responsible for feeding the babies?

The... BooBees

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_Soter_
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2021
🚨︎ report
So a mom and dad walk up to the register at work today holding baby twins.

I asked the mother if it was hard giving birth to two babies in one day.

She looked me dead in the eyes with a straight face and said, pointing at her husband, "not really. I had one and he had the other"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
🚨︎ report
"You got spat on, you big baby, it's not the end of the world!"

"That's not what I said. I said it was the alpaca lips!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lfantine
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the baby corn say to the mamma corn?

Where's popcorn?

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/D3V1L420
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
🚨︎ report
Why was the baby ant confused?

Because all his uncles were ants.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
🚨︎ report
When I was a baby I slept all the time but I slept less and less as I got older....

...I didn't want to be accused of kidnapping.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Blarty97
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
🚨︎ report
What sex position makes the ugliest babies?

Ask your mom.

πŸ‘︎ 66
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πŸ‘€︎ u/streety22
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
What’s the difference between a piΓ±ata and a baby

I don’t have a piΓ±ata hanging in my basement

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jerilishous
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?

Go to sweep, dear.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jigsatics
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
🚨︎ report
A guy’s Mom comes to visit him at his job at the aquarium where she finds him feeding a baby dolphin. She says look at you, you were smart. You could have had a real job, really done some good for the world. Her son snapped back,...

Hey, my job serves a youthful porpoise!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ProjectOcoee
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
🚨︎ report
My daughter recently found a photo of her in the hospital when she was a baby

She noticed a blanket and asked if it was womb temperature. I laughed and thought she’d make a great dad one day while my wife tried to not smile

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nickatier_Carbs
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife gave birth to our baby boy otw to the hospital...

We named him Carson.

πŸ‘︎ 70
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cromlorde
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
For the Baby Cheeses
πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was the baby jalapeΓ±o shivering?

He was a little chili

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sageyban
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
🚨︎ report
I was complaining to my husband that the baby carrots I bought were so so big that I needed to cut them up for our 3 year old.

He said "Maybe next time you should get premie carrots instead."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/warmfuzzy22
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
🚨︎ report
Wife: I’m exhausted. I was up until 4 AM with the baby.

Me: It’s probably not a good idea to keep a baby up that late.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
🚨︎ report
Smaller babies get delivered by the stork

Bigger babies need a crane

πŸ‘︎ 87
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Orion_Levy2
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
🚨︎ report
My sister had a baby, she hopes it’ll save the relationship...

But I still don’t talk to her

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/frozeneskimo02
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
🚨︎ report
What do they call baby fish going through the change of life?

Minnow pause?

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/siphodeus
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
🚨︎ report
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound, his reply...

he can't have my nose, I need it!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FTM-Oct2020
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the fashionable scientist who can design your baby to your specifications?

They are always bragging about their designer jeans

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/commrademcmasters
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
A Japanese zoo just celebrated the birth of a baby elephant

Before that nobody addressed the elephant in the womb.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NathanielleS
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the cow say to her tired baby?

It’s time to go to sleep it’s pasture bed time.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Matt4307
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
🚨︎ report
When we came home from the hospital with our newborn son, my wife asked if the house was baby proof.

I told her I thought the baby was the proof himself.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jessieface13
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.
πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the baby corn say to the mama corn?

Where's popcorn?

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Hud_is_on
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the baby corn say to the mamma corn?

Where's popcorn?

πŸ‘︎ 62
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/_ivy_ally
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
🚨︎ report

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