My wife called me at work and said “it’s time, the baby is coming”
I said that’s impossible, Labor Day is in September!
(New dad of a 3 week old, trying to step into my new role)
Sibling humor, the backs of two ocean-themed quilts for my baby bro's new son and daughter.
Baby Roach: “Papa, what happens if the humans spray us with Raid?”
Papa Roach: “Suffocation. No breathing.”
Why does the baby smile everytime his mom exercises?
He really likes milkshakes.
If the stork is the burd that brings babies, what is the bird that prevents babies ?
What is the baby vampire's least favorite fast food establishment?
Stake n shake!
(I'm not sure if this is a regional restaurant but I assure you it exists.)
Prediction: There will be a minor Baby Boom in 9 months, and then one day in 2033 we will witness the rise of
What do you call a cheesy baby deer on your lawn in the morning?
What’s the perfect name for a baby boy who’s half white, half Indian?
Why does nobody trust the baby salmon?
Why did the police officer put the cranky baby in jail?
At a neighborhood party, my wife asked if I wanted to change the baby.
I said, “Not really. I like him the way he is.”
What's the best thing about being a test tube baby?
You get a womb with a view.
Doctor: I'm going to deliver the baby. . .
Me: Actually, we'd like him to keep his liver.
My wife said she should get an award for breast feeding the baby.
I said I’d nominate her for the SAG awards.
What did the baby say when he saw his food in front of him?
Purée!!!
(I literally just came up with this and am a new dad. Please be gentle)
9 months from now, there will be a baby boom. 13 years later, will give rise to the next generation, known as....
In a beehive, after the queen bee gives birth to the little baby bees, which bees are responsible for feeding the babies?
So a mom and dad walk up to the register at work today holding baby twins.
I asked the mother if it was hard giving birth to two babies in one day.
She looked me dead in the eyes with a straight face and said, pointing at her husband, "not really. I had one and he had the other"
"You got spat on, you big baby, it's not the end of the world!"
"That's not what I said. I said it was the alpaca lips!"
What did the baby corn say to the mamma corn?
Why was the baby ant confused?
Because all his uncles were ants.
When I was a baby I slept all the time but I slept less and less as I got older....
...I didn't want to be accused of kidnapping.
What sex position makes the ugliest babies?
What’s the difference between a piñata and a baby
I don’t have a piñata hanging in my basement
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
A guy’s Mom comes to visit him at his job at the aquarium where she finds him feeding a baby dolphin. She says look at you, you were smart. You could have had a real job, really done some good for the world. Her son snapped back,...
Hey, my job serves a youthful porpoise!
My daughter recently found a photo of her in the hospital when she was a baby
She noticed a blanket and asked if it was womb temperature. I laughed and thought she’d make a great dad one day while my wife tried to not smile
My wife gave birth to our baby boy otw to the hospital...
Why was the baby jalapeño shivering?
I was complaining to my husband that the baby carrots I bought were so so big that I needed to cut them up for our 3 year old.
He said "Maybe next time you should get premie carrots instead."
Wife: I’m exhausted. I was up until 4 AM with the baby.
Me: It’s probably not a good idea to keep a baby up that late.
Smaller babies get delivered by the stork
Bigger babies need a crane
My sister had a baby, she hopes it’ll save the relationship...
But I still don’t talk to her
What do they call baby fish going through the change of life?
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound, his reply...
he can't have my nose, I need it!
Did you hear about the fashionable scientist who can design your baby to your specifications?
They are always bragging about their designer jeans
A Japanese zoo just celebrated the birth of a baby elephant
Before that nobody addressed the elephant in the womb.
What did the cow say to her tired baby?
It’s time to go to sleep it’s pasture bed time.
When we came home from the hospital with our newborn son, my wife asked if the house was baby proof.
I told her I thought the baby was the proof himself.
Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.
What did the baby corn say to the mama corn?
What did the baby corn say to the mamma corn?
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