Taphophobia Puns

A few nights ago, I went out drinking at a club.

I’m not super proud of it, but my girlfriend broke up with me a few weeks ago and I still haven’t fully recovered from that. It was a messy scenario, she was really and for me, but she ended up breaking it off and it was pretty devastating even though I should be doing now.

I wasn’t trying to meet anyone, I was really only there to drown my sorrows and maybe make it back to my apartment at the end of the night.

After a while, to the point I was getting close to the verge of passing out, I heard a woman speak up from beside me.

“I think you’ve probably had enough there, hun.”

I looked up lazily, but blinked in surprise when I saw her. She had a relatively oval but still thin face, with higher cheekbones and heavily lined eyes. They gleamed back at me with a friendly shade of brown, contrasting the blue eyeshadow she had on. She was tanned, with thicker eyebrows and long black hair pulled into a high ponytail on the back of her head. She wore a gold dress that went down towards her knees, and was very tall even in her sandals.

Needless to say, she was striking.

“O-Oh, I… I know. I was uh… I was finishing up.” I slurred slightly, cursing myself as she laughed a little.

“You look like you need a break.” Her accent was foreign to me, but I couldn’t place where it was from. “Have a rough go recently?”

“You could say that.”

“Come on, have a dance with me.”

I instantly sobered up some, putting my hands up in defense. “Whoa, I don’t think I can do that…”

“Why not? You are lonely, I am offering.”

“I’d probably trip over my feet trying to stand up right now.” I mumbled, leaning further over my drink as she sighed impatiently.

“I will not say please, but you are cute and I’d like for both of us to have fun tonight.”

I glanced around nervously, half expecting to see a camera hidden in some bushes to prove what I was experiencing was a prank. “I don’t know…”

“Last chance.”

“Alright, fine, I guess.” I agreed reluctantly, standing up and stumbling a little. I’m not a good dancer, so I’d have to be very drunk to agree to something like this with a stranger.

It was kinda sweet, I guess.

She was weird, occasionally giggling as she would pull me closer to her and I would try and pull away. She would mumble things under her breath in another language, and I remember her buying me more drinks until the rest of the night was blurry.

I woke up with an insane hangover, and unable to move.

I blinked sleepily in c

No one ever understood my fear of being buried alive. Not my parents, not my friends, and certainly not the numerous therapists I was forced to see. They tried to, they really did, but inevitably the discussion would turn to how irrational this fear was. How far medical science had advanced. How rare being buried alive was, even in the past. How ridiculous I was being for letting this fear dominate my life.

I think about those people a lot now that I’m dead. Not that I have a lot of time for anything else. I can’t move, can’t speak, can’t do anything except lay on this cold, metal table and think. I haven't been dead that long, but I've had plenty of time to contemplate my condition and why this is happening to me, although I can’t say I’m any closer to an answer than when I started. Maybe I’m unique. Maybe there’s some misfiring neuron in my brain that hasn’t gotten the message to turn off all the lights and go home. Maybe there's some kind of waiting period before the afterlife. Or maybe this is the afterlife. Maybe this is what's waiting for all of us at the end.

That is a terrifying thing to contemplate, but I have to admit that the thought makes me feel strangely vindicated. If I’m right, and this is the afterlife, then all those people who called me crazy are lying in the dark right now with nothing, but their thoughts to keep them company. It would be horrifying to be stuck underground like that forever. I'm glad I chose something different.

Although I have to admit, all this time to think has made me wonder about my own choice. I mean anything has to be better than being in a coffin, but was cremation really the better choice?

Hold Your Breath.

Release Your Air.

That's how you swim, right?

Underwater, surrounded by liquid comfort.

No, Not whiskey...Although I wouldn't complain

So Why is he the same?

I struggle to stay underneath.

You see, I float so easily;

But Embalmed in water, I feel alive.

Outside of the Aqua, I know now how to thrive.

It's no different when he holds me.

When his hands trickle down my skin.

Embalmed in his arms, I feel.

Pinned under his weight. Be still.

Soon, It's time to go.

Even I can't submerge forever.

Hold. Hold. Baby, Hold...

Now Breathe in.

Feedback proof

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/b48kru/liars/

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/b46ibk/curbstomp_heartbreakwomen_of_wales/

Cemeteries have always made me uncomfortable. The empty eyes of a stone angel scorn me with verdicts of eternal damnation. The gargoyle perched upon a headstone looks down to me, its wicked grin full of derision. I must leave this place. I must hurry. I must return home to Emily, and make her pay for killing me.

Original post

Every morning, I pass a graveyard on my way to work and every morning, I pedal just a little faster to get away from it. A sudden chill sweeps up my spine and my palms begin to perspire. Images of being trapped underground, unable to escape dance on the edges of my consciousness. I suck in more air as I envsion my slow suffocation, alone and in the dark. Before I realize it, the torture subsides. Breathing a sigh of relief, I leave the cemetary behind, dreading our next confrontation.

Do your worst!

It really does, I swear!

For context I'm a Refuse Driver (Garbage man) & today I was on food waste. After I'd tipped I was checking the wagon for any defects when I spotted a lone pea balanced on the lifts.

I said "hey look, an escaPEA"

No one near me but it didn't half make me laugh for a good hour or so!

Edit: I can't believe how much this has blown up. Thank you everyone I've had a blast reading through the replies 😂

They’re on standbi

Buenosdillas

Pilot on me!!

Dad jokes are supposed to be jokes you can tell a kid and they will understand it and find it funny.

This sub is mostly just NSFW puns now.

If it needs a NSFW tag it's not a dad joke. There should just be a NSFW puns subreddit for that.

Edit* I'm not replying any longer and turning off notifications but to all those that say "no one cares", there sure are a lot of you arguing about it. Maybe I'm wrong but you people don't need to be rude about it. If you really don't care, don't comment.

When I got home, they were still there.

What did 0 say to 8 ?

" Nice Belt "

So What did 3 say to 8 ?

" Hey, you two stop making out "

I won't be doing that today!

You take away their little brooms

This morning, my 4 year old daughter.

Daughter: I'm hungry

Me: nerves building, smile widening

Me: Hi hungry, I'm dad.

She had no idea what was going on but I finally did it.

Thank you all for listening.

There hasn't been a post all year!

Why

It’s pronounced “Noel.”

After all his first name is No-vac