What would George Strait sing if he'd be an office worker?
All my Excels live in XLSX!
π︎ 6
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︎ May 19 2021
My friend, the anthropomorphic cell phone was in dire Straits
He walked into the police station and yelled "help! I'm on five per cent!"
First, a cop punched him.
Then, one of them plugged him in to a power bank
Suddenly he had reached 100%. It was a miracle
They charged him with assault and battery
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︎ Apr 17 2021
I've spent all morning trying to think of a quality pun, just to come up with THIS otter rubbish.
π︎ 3k
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︎ Jun 28 2021
My Son Ate a Bunch of Scrabble Tiles. My Wife is Scared but I'm not...
He should have a good vowel movement. His next diaper change could spell disaster though.
π︎ 8k
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︎ Jun 23 2021
Chinese takeout: $11.77. Price of gas to get there: $3.00
Making it all the way home and realizing that they forgot one of the containers:
Riceless
π︎ 5k
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︎ Jun 28 2021
Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl. One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face"
π︎ 9k
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︎ Jun 29 2021
Today on a walk my son was asking about a bunch of plants and stuff, he pointed to one and I said it was a fungi.
Without missing a beat he asks "Daddy, do you know how much room you need to grow Fungi like that?"
I did not know.
So he tells me "as Mushroom as possible!"
So proud.
π︎ 9k
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︎ Jun 26 2021
My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work
She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up
π︎ 6k
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︎ Jun 27 2021
Some people love jokes about Dire Straits
But theyβre Knopfler me
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︎ Nov 12 2020
Grandma is always saying to me ' Hey what's the name of that German guy again who keeps taking my stuff '
Alzheimer, Grandma, it's Alzheimer.
π︎ 6k
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︎ Jun 23 2021
Always part of a classical dish
π︎ 3k
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︎ Jun 19 2021
What do cannibals serve at the beginning of dinner party?
π︎ 8k
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︎ Jun 02 2021
SpongeBob may be the main character of the show.
π︎ 11k
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︎ Jun 16 2021
A conversation I had on a dating app. For context, her instagram is mainly pictures of chairs and her name rhymes with chair.
π︎ 911
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︎ Jun 23 2021
I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81.
π︎ 11k
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︎ May 25 2021
Was Jack Black? Was Barry white? Was George Strait? Was Marvin Gay?
Sure makes Stevie Wonder.
π︎ 882
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︎ Sep 28 2019
What kind of tree comes from your mouth?
π︎ 1k
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︎ Jun 28 2021
What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts?
π︎ 2k
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︎ Jun 30 2021
The one and only acceptable way of advertising
π︎ 3k
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︎ Jun 25 2021
Scientist have actually discovered a feline-like life-form on Mars! But unfortunately, one of their rovers ran over it, and
Curiosity killed the cat :(
π︎ 9k
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︎ Jun 04 2021
Iβm sorry aboot these. Please donβt kick me out of this sub or shoe me away....
π︎ 3k
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︎ Jun 12 2021
My friend keeps saying βCheer up, man. It could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.β
I know he means well.
Edit: Wow. Thanks for the awards, kind Reddit strangers!
π︎ 2k
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︎ Jun 29 2021
Everyone has heard of the historical figure, Karl Marx.
But no one remembers his sister, Onya, who invented the starting pistol.
π︎ 2k
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︎ Jun 19 2021
My friend was trying to feed her baby but he was having none of it. I said "Try the Airplane."
She said, "Airplane? What is it?"
"It's a classic spoof film from the 1980s but that's not important right now."
π︎ 2k
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︎ Jun 08 2021
What do you call 2000 pounds of bones?
π︎ 507
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︎ Jun 30 2021
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night....
π︎ 8k
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︎ May 23 2021
Ah sorry i didn't read the name of the subreddit right
π︎ 226
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︎ Jun 30 2021
What weighs more? A gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
Water. Butane is a lighter fluid
π︎ 610
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︎ Jun 26 2021
So we all know that you find H2O inside a fire hydrant, but what do you find on the outside of a fire hydrant?
π︎ 7k
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︎ May 18 2021
DAD JOKES ARE NOT DIRTY.
Go post NSFW jokes somewhere else. If I can't tell my kids this joke, then it is not a DAD JOKE.
If you feel it's appropriate to share NSFW jokes with your kids, that's on you. But a real, true dad joke should work for anyone's kid.
Mods... If you exist... Please, stop this madness. Rule #6 should simply not allow NSFW or (wtf) NSFL tags. Also, remember that MINORS browse this subreddit too? Why put that in rule #6, then allow NSFW???
Please consider changing rule #6. I love this sub, but the recent influx of NSFW tagged posts that get all the upvotes, just seem wrong when there are good solid DAD jokes being overlooked because of them.
Thank you,
A Dad.
π︎ 11k
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︎ Jun 18 2021
Does anyone know any good sword fighting puns ? I'm trying to think of any words that have..
π︎ 2k
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︎ May 23 2021
My Daughter says to me at dinner " Hey Dad, your glass is empty, would you like another one of those ? "
..why would I want two empty glasses..!?
π︎ 2k
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︎ Jun 27 2021
Why were the sultans of swing scared.
They found themselves in dire straits.
π︎ 9
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︎ Jun 29 2021
What is the opposite of isolate?
π︎ 576
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︎ Jun 26 2021
In honor of Motherβs Day, Iβd just like to say,
βthank you for your cervix.β
π︎ 8k
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︎ May 09 2021
My friend made a lot of money selling viagra
I told him to keep it up!
π︎ 254
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︎ Jun 24 2021
My wife has accused me of stealing her Thesaurus....
Not only was I shocked, I was also aghast, appalled and dismayed.
π︎ 2k
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︎ Jun 11 2021
I need someone to repair the stone wall in the front of my house, but I donβt have a lot of money.
Incidentally, Free Masons are not what they sound like.
π︎ 1k
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︎ Jun 11 2021
Someone has glued my pack of cards together...
I don't know how to deal with it.
π︎ 403
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︎ Jun 21 2021
I googled "What can you make with 50kg of sulfur?"
π︎ 519
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︎ Jun 10 2021
My cousin has a crippling, irrational, fear of being beaten up by Mexicans.
β¦.so his doctor gave him medication for Hispanic attacks.
π︎ 834
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︎ Jun 16 2021
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet
π︎ 374
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︎ Jun 07 2021
All hail the holy antlers of the deer god
π︎ 4k
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︎ May 19 2021
There are only two white people in the movie Black Panther
Martin Freeman, and Andy Serkis.
They also play roles in Lord of the Rings.
I guess that makes them the Tolkien white guys.
π︎ 12k
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︎ Jun 24 2021
I saw a pack of gummy worms that said βNo artificial flavor.β
Who buys gummy worms hoping theyβd taste as close to real worms as possible?
π︎ 11k
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︎ Apr 29 2021
Found one of our own
π︎ 3k
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︎ May 07 2021
It just occurred to me that the opposite of Artificial Intelligence is β¦
π︎ 1k
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︎ Jun 04 2021
The CEO of IKEA has been elected Prime Minister of Sweden.
He's currently assembling his cabinet.
π︎ 11k
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︎ May 02 2021
Every time I post on r/dadjokes, someone comments with a better version of my joke
I guess I suffer from premature ejokeulation
π︎ 252
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︎ Jun 14 2021
A man walks in to a bar with a piece of asphalt
The man says to the bartender β1 for me, and 1 for the roadβ
π︎ 5k
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︎ May 17 2021
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