"Jim Morrison was overrated!" the son screams as he stomps upstairs...

... his dad calls angrily after him: "YOUNG MAN, WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS?!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/glyph-bellchime
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2018
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What do you call a tyrannosaurus that doesn't roar or stomp?

A subtlety rex.

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2018
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Why did one camel spit and stomp when the other camel stole its cheese?

Because they’re β€œdramadairies”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crapinlaws08
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2018
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My server slammed a glass of water down, tossed a spoon with a knife on the table and stomped off back to the kitchen. I pondered about their attitude for a moment and then it hit me...

They just didn't give a fork...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
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Dr Seuss was recently convicted for shoving a man on to a mountain of corn, and stomping him to death, then shooting him twice, all while wearing women’s clothes.

sadly this is the 3rd case this week of a pop pop crop-top crop top pop hop

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2020
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Long, stupid Dad joke

The ancient Greeks greatly feared volcanic explosions from Mt. Olympus, so they developed a tradition of sacrificing young maidens to the Gods on the mountain. Every year they selected five girls, and sacrificed four. Then they assigned the other one to stomp the olive harvest. That’s where we get Extra Virgin Olive Oil.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Addama33
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
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What do grapes do when they get stomped?

They make a little wine.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/parandexical
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2019
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My 7 year old proudly said dad I double knotted my shoe.

I said, "You did not." She glares at me, "Yes I did." Me, "You did knot." She grudgingly accepts reality and stomps away, head shaking.

πŸ‘︎ 73
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrmackz
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
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I used to work in a shoe recycling shop..

It was sole destroying

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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Someone went into our local Chinese shop, threw a whole tray of dumplings onto the ground, and stomped all over them.

It was an act of wonton destruction

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πŸ‘€︎ u/deepBlueCheese
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2018
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What did the mime say when the clown stomped on his foot?

Nothing.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/diMario
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2018
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Oh my god i laughed hard
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/basuchan2
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2019
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Shaved my hair this morning...

Got my teen son with this one today.

Son: Dad, you shaved your hair.

Me: Yep, we’re Opposites.

Son: (puzzled look)

Me: I’m bald...You have long hair

I’m old... You’re young

I’m big...You’re small

I’m incredibly handsome...(son eye roll);

short pause...You’re incredibly footsome.

Son: (stomps out of the room)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jimyo77
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2020
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Real story: I'm prepped for a wedding and walking with my dad about to meet up with my girlfriend. I know his tendencies so I tell him "dad, please, no jokes." And he replies, "with what you're wearing, I won't need to." I roll my eyes and say, "oh, wow, sick burn dad."

I look over, and he's reaching into his pocket and pulls out a little vial, and shakes it out all over me. He hands me this vial and he's made a shitty label around it, and he wrote on this fricken label, "Directions: Add in salt to injury".

He's a legend among my friends dads.

πŸ‘︎ 655
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoDakZak
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2017
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T-Rexes hunting for dinner

This is my dad's favorite dad joke.

A teenage T-Rex named Maynard and his father were out looking for dinner.

"Oh hey, dad! Look! A stegosaurus! That'd be good!"

"My Maynard son, no. That would be so hard to chew. There's so much armor there."

A little while later:

"Dad, check it. A big old nest of Pteranadons! Chicken tonight!"

"No, my Maynard son. They would fly too fast, and we cannot reach up there with our arms."

Finally, "Dad! Dad! Check it out! A herd of brontosaurus! It'd be so easy!"

"No, my Maynard son. Brontosaurus ribs take a long time to properly age before they're good eating. Everyone knows this."

The teenage T-Rex stomped and roared, "Daaad, what are we doing? There's stuff right here to eat! What the hell are you looking for, anyway?"

The elder T-Rex shook his head and said, "Carrion, my Maynard son."

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
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So this might have been posted before but...

A boy was in love with a girl. Madly in love. He told his older brother, who suggested he ask her to the upcoming prom. So, that night, he went to her house with some flowers and chocolates and asked the girl to the prom.

She was overjoyed. She took the flowers and hugged him around the neck. When he went home, his brother told him he had to get ready. Prom was in only a week!

The next day, he traveled to a suit store. He picked out the perfect one. It would go perfectly with his date’s dress. He picked his up and went to check out. Unfortunately, it seems a lot of people were buying suits, as the line nearly went out of the store. He groaned, but anything for his love. After two long hours, he finally got his suit.

A couple days later, his brother suggested that he rent a limo. He and his brother went to rent one that evening. When they arrived, they discovered that there were nearly 50 people waiting to rent a vehicle. They waited for nearly three hours, but they were finally able to rent a limo for the big day.

The afternoon before the dance, he went to buy some flowers for his date. Unfortunately, the store seemed to be having a sale, and the checkout lines extended into the parking lot. He stomped his foot. β€œWhy is it that every time I go to buy something, everyone else wants to buy it too?!” He begrudgingly waited for nearly four hour before walking out with a bouquet of roses.

That night, he rode in the limo to his date’s house. She got in, and they talked the entire trip. He presented her with the flowers, which she adored. Her dress was stunning, and went perfectly with his suit.

They arrived at the school and got out, arms linked. They walked inside, said hi to a couple of friends, and began dancing and enjoying the night.

About halfway through the dance, the boy was parched. He told his girl that he was going to get a drink. He walked over to the snack table and discovered that there was no punch line.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ohihatethesepants
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2018
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My 10 year old stood a few feet away from me and asked... Dad? How far away is a stud?

...my mind raced with punchlines of the β€œabout this far” variety. I tried a few on for size.

Then I realized he was looking distraught and realized I was potentially stomping on his blooming dad-joke career. So I stopped and said: β€œI don’t know son, how far?”

He still looked confused, and then I realized that he for real thought a β€œstud” was a measure of distance and this was a legit question. So I had to transition into google searching images of wall framing and what studs are. What a roller coaster of dad emotions.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cid73
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2019
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Why do ducks have flat feet?

For stomping out forest fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?

For stomping out burning ducks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/89iroc
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2019
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The floods had subsided, and Noah had safely landed his ark on Mount Sinai. "Go forth and multiply!" he told the animals...

...and so off they went two by two, and within a few weeks Noah heard the chatter of tiny monkeys, the snarl of tiny tigers and the stomp of baby elephants.

Then he heard something he didn't recognise… a loud, revving buzz coming from the woods. He went in to find out what strange animal's offspring was making this noise, and discovered a pair of snakes wielding a chainsaw.

"What on earth are you doing?" he cried. "You're destroying the trees!"

"Well Noah," the snakes replied, "we tried to multiply as you bade us, but we're adders… so we have to use logs."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bittibitti
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2018
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True Story, Just Happened.

Dad: (stomps on floor)

Son: What was that for?

Dad: Killed a Wasp

Son: Whoah! Did you do that in bare feet?

Dad: Nope, Did it in Human feet!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jtnichol
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2016
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My coworker's heels were making loud noises when we were walking up the stairs...

Me: are you stomping?

Her: no, my shoes are hollow so they make a lot of noise.

Me: all shoes are hollow, IT'S HOW WE GET OUR FEET IN!

Her: <rolls eyes>

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πŸ‘€︎ u/franklinbrown
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2015
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A Tomato Family

One my dad told me a few times when I was younger.

A family of tomatos is walking down a path. A father tomato, a mother tomato, and a baby tomato. The baby tomato keeps falling behind, so the father tomato walks back, stomps on him and yells "KETCHUP"!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crackofdawn
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2013
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My Dad emailed me this joke this evening

"Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know if the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of champagne.

"Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle"

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, your Majesty?"

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good." said the Queen.

Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden the same question. "Joe, answer this

for me."

"Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's

not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," said Biden.

"Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.

Frustrated, Biden went to work out in congressional gym and saw Paul Ryan there.

Biden went up to him and asked, "Hey Paul, see if you can answer this question." "Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Paul Ryan answered, "That's easy, it's me!" Biden smiled, and said, "Good answer Paul!" Biden then, went back to speak with President Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle."

"It's Paul Ryan!"

Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face,

"NO, You idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

...AND THAT MY FRIENDS IS PRECISELY WHAT'S GOING ON AT THE WHITE HOUSE.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/aznatheist620
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2014
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The 10 year long dad joke.

When i was growing up my dad would always tell this one joke.

"Once upon time there was a daddy tomato, a mommy tomato, and a baby tomato. One day the tomato family went for a walk, however the baby tomato started to fall behind. The daddy tomato got angry and went back to baby tomato stomped on him and said ketch-up"

He told this joke at least once a month for ten years. When I was sixteen he showed me Pulp Fiction. I nearly killed him at this scene https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NrGeOHpEGk0

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bontemps343
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2015
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Got my coworkers!

We were handling shoes in the back room, and someone came in to all how we were doing. "Well it's a walk in the park, so we're just stomping them out!" It took her a moment but she laughed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/aescula
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2016
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Raking at my place of worship gave birth to an unfunny dad joke

I was gathering the leaves from my huge pile of leaves and placing them in a garbage bag inside of a garbage can. To squeeze them down, I lifted my foot up and stomped on the leaves. One of my buddies who's like 13 says to me from the other side of the fence "All you can do is hurt leaves." I stare back at him and say "so the others know they better leave me alone."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/elcielo17
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2014
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I got my 5yo really good. I might be a single mother, but my father taught me well.

My 5yo daughter came running up to me after playing at the park on a very sunny day. Her: "Mommy, I'm thirsty." Me: "Hi thirsty, my name's mommy. What can I do for you?" Her: "No Mommy! I'm not thirsty! I'M THIRSTY!" Me: "Now you're not making any sense." She promptly let out a groan and stomped away.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2014
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So I work at a shipping company...

And as we were cleaning up last night one of my coworkers hollers from across the room about a package.

"Hey! What's that box?"

"Well it looks like cardboard to me..."

I couldn't hear the groan but how she stomped over to read the destination was satisfying.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Raiks
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2014
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Dad dropped this while I was trying to kill a beetle.

Me: Stomping on beetle Dad: What are you doing over there? Me: Trying to kill this beetle. Dad: Which Beatle? John Lennon? Ringo Starr? Paul McCartney? Me: Haha no. stomping vigorously It's the stupid kind that doesn't DIE! Dad: ...Well we know it isn't Lennon.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thetacoslayer
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2013
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Flat feet

My dad gave me this gem when I was little:

Why do ducks have flat feet?

To stomp out forest fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?

To stomp out flaming ducks.

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rmathewes
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2013
🚨︎ report

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