... his dad calls angrily after him: "YOUNG MAN, WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS?!"
A subtlety rex.
Because they’re “dramadairies”
They just didn't give a fork...
sadly this is the 3rd case this week of a pop pop crop-top crop top pop hop
The ancient Greeks greatly feared volcanic explosions from Mt. Olympus, so they developed a tradition of sacrificing young maidens to the Gods on the mountain. Every year they selected five girls, and sacrificed four. Then they assigned the other one to stomp the olive harvest. That’s where we get Extra Virgin Olive Oil.
They make a little wine.
I said, "You did not." She glares at me, "Yes I did." Me, "You did knot." She grudgingly accepts reality and stomps away, head shaking.
It was sole destroying
It was an act of wonton destruction
Nothing.
Got my teen son with this one today.
Son: Dad, you shaved your hair.
Me: Yep, we’re Opposites.
Son: (puzzled look)
Me: I’m bald...You have long hair
I’m old... You’re young
I’m big...You’re small
I’m incredibly handsome...(son eye roll);
short pause...You’re incredibly footsome.
Son: (stomps out of the room)
I look over, and he's reaching into his pocket and pulls out a little vial, and shakes it out all over me. He hands me this vial and he's made a shitty label around it, and he wrote on this fricken label, "Directions: Add in salt to injury".
He's a legend among my friends dads.
This is my dad's favorite dad joke.
A teenage T-Rex named Maynard and his father were out looking for dinner.
"Oh hey, dad! Look! A stegosaurus! That'd be good!"
"My Maynard son, no. That would be so hard to chew. There's so much armor there."
A little while later:
"Dad, check it. A big old nest of Pteranadons! Chicken tonight!"
"No, my Maynard son. They would fly too fast, and we cannot reach up there with our arms."
Finally, "Dad! Dad! Check it out! A herd of brontosaurus! It'd be so easy!"
"No, my Maynard son. Brontosaurus ribs take a long time to properly age before they're good eating. Everyone knows this."
The teenage T-Rex stomped and roared, "Daaad, what are we doing? There's stuff right here to eat! What the hell are you looking for, anyway?"
The elder T-Rex shook his head and said, "Carrion, my Maynard son."
A boy was in love with a girl. Madly in love. He told his older brother, who suggested he ask her to the upcoming prom. So, that night, he went to her house with some flowers and chocolates and asked the girl to the prom.
She was overjoyed. She took the flowers and hugged him around the neck. When he went home, his brother told him he had to get ready. Prom was in only a week!
The next day, he traveled to a suit store. He picked out the perfect one. It would go perfectly with his date’s dress. He picked his up and went to check out. Unfortunately, it seems a lot of people were buying suits, as the line nearly went out of the store. He groaned, but anything for his love. After two long hours, he finally got his suit.
A couple days later, his brother suggested that he rent a limo. He and his brother went to rent one that evening. When they arrived, they discovered that there were nearly 50 people waiting to rent a vehicle. They waited for nearly three hours, but they were finally able to rent a limo for the big day.
The afternoon before the dance, he went to buy some flowers for his date. Unfortunately, the store seemed to be having a sale, and the checkout lines extended into the parking lot. He stomped his foot. “Why is it that every time I go to buy something, everyone else wants to buy it too?!” He begrudgingly waited for nearly four hour before walking out with a bouquet of roses.
That night, he rode in the limo to his date’s house. She got in, and they talked the entire trip. He presented her with the flowers, which she adored. Her dress was stunning, and went perfectly with his suit.
They arrived at the school and got out, arms linked. They walked inside, said hi to a couple of friends, and began dancing and enjoying the night.
About halfway through the dance, the boy was parched. He told his girl that he was going to get a drink. He walked over to the snack table and discovered that there was no punch line.
...my mind raced with punchlines of the “about this far” variety. I tried a few on for size.
Then I realized he was looking distraught and realized I was potentially stomping on his blooming dad-joke career. So I stopped and said: “I don’t know son, how far?”
He still looked confused, and then I realized that he for real thought a “stud” was a measure of distance and this was a legit question. So I had to transition into google searching images of wall framing and what studs are. What a roller coaster of dad emotions.
For stomping out forest fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
For stomping out burning ducks.
...and so off they went two by two, and within a few weeks Noah heard the chatter of tiny monkeys, the snarl of tiny tigers and the stomp of baby elephants.
Then he heard something he didn't recognise… a loud, revving buzz coming from the woods. He went in to find out what strange animal's offspring was making this noise, and discovered a pair of snakes wielding a chainsaw.
"What on earth are you doing?" he cried. "You're destroying the trees!"
"Well Noah," the snakes replied, "we tried to multiply as you bade us, but we're adders… so we have to use logs."
Dad: (stomps on floor)
Son: What was that for?
Dad: Killed a Wasp
Son: Whoah! Did you do that in bare feet?
Dad: Nope, Did it in Human feet!
Me: are you stomping?
Her: no, my shoes are hollow so they make a lot of noise.
Me: all shoes are hollow, IT'S HOW WE GET OUR FEET IN!
Her: <rolls eyes>
One my dad told me a few times when I was younger.
A family of tomatos is walking down a path. A father tomato, a mother tomato, and a baby tomato. The baby tomato keeps falling behind, so the father tomato walks back, stomps on him and yells "KETCHUP"!
"Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"
Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know if the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen took a sip of champagne.
"Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle"
The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"
Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, your Majesty?"
The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good." said the Queen.
Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden the same question. "Joe, answer this
for me."
"Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's
not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," said Biden.
"Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.
Frustrated, Biden went to work out in congressional gym and saw Paul Ryan there.
Biden went up to him and asked, "Hey Paul, see if you can answer this question." "Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Paul Ryan answered, "That's easy, it's me!" Biden smiled, and said, "Good answer Paul!" Biden then, went back to speak with President Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle."
"It's Paul Ryan!"
Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face,
"NO, You idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
...AND THAT MY FRIENDS IS PRECISELY WHAT'S GOING ON AT THE WHITE HOUSE.
When i was growing up my dad would always tell this one joke.
"Once upon time there was a daddy tomato, a mommy tomato, and a baby tomato. One day the tomato family went for a walk, however the baby tomato started to fall behind. The daddy tomato got angry and went back to baby tomato stomped on him and said ketch-up"
He told this joke at least once a month for ten years. When I was sixteen he showed me Pulp Fiction. I nearly killed him at this scene https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NrGeOHpEGk0
We were handling shoes in the back room, and someone came in to all how we were doing. "Well it's a walk in the park, so we're just stomping them out!" It took her a moment but she laughed.
I was gathering the leaves from my huge pile of leaves and placing them in a garbage bag inside of a garbage can. To squeeze them down, I lifted my foot up and stomped on the leaves. One of my buddies who's like 13 says to me from the other side of the fence "All you can do is hurt leaves." I stare back at him and say "so the others know they better leave me alone."
My 5yo daughter came running up to me after playing at the park on a very sunny day. Her: "Mommy, I'm thirsty." Me: "Hi thirsty, my name's mommy. What can I do for you?" Her: "No Mommy! I'm not thirsty! I'M THIRSTY!" Me: "Now you're not making any sense." She promptly let out a groan and stomped away.
And as we were cleaning up last night one of my coworkers hollers from across the room about a package.
"Hey! What's that box?"
"Well it looks like cardboard to me..."
I couldn't hear the groan but how she stomped over to read the destination was satisfying.
Me: Stomping on beetle Dad: What are you doing over there? Me: Trying to kill this beetle. Dad: Which Beatle? John Lennon? Ringo Starr? Paul McCartney? Me: Haha no. stomping vigorously It's the stupid kind that doesn't DIE! Dad: ...Well we know it isn't Lennon.
My dad gave me this gem when I was little:
Why do ducks have flat feet?
To stomp out forest fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stomp out flaming ducks.
