β™ͺWhen you're swimming and you squeal, 'cause you saw a slimy eel, that's...β™ͺ aqua.org/-/media/Images/A…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoahTheProtozoa
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2018
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A pig and a horse walk into a movie theater.

The horse didn’t feel like buying popcorn so he brought some hay. A theater employee saw him and said. β€œAre you sneaking outside food into the theater?”

The horse said β€œnay.”

The pig squealed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JiminyKirket
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
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Accidental Dad Joke

Story time:

So over the holiday, while visiting my mom, she asked me to run and pick up some groceries she had on her shopping list. So of course, I pack up my kids and we are off to the store. As I am perusing the juice aisle, my daughter squeals, "ELSA!!!!" Sure enough, there was Elsa, on the label of a bottle of apple juice. I thought, "Apple juice is on the list and it will make my daughter happy? Boom getting it!" Fast forward to putting groceries away at my mom's house.

Mom: "Did you get everything on my list?"

Me: "Yes mom."

Mom: as I am handing her the Elsa apple juice "Oh I wanted you to get the frozen apple juice"

Me: my face shifting from a look of irritation to a stupid-cheesy smirk "That IS Frozen apple juice..."

Mom: fighting the urge to smack me while rolling her eyes "OMG."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ehrivei
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2019
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My daughter, 8, asked me what happens to frogs who illegally park their cars.

"I don't know," I said.

With a gleam in her eye, she squealed "They get toad!!"

Dad win there.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eagle_shadow
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2018
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What's the scariest animal in the world?

A Cari-boo!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gamer-_-Bro
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2019
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What do pigs put on their cuts, scrapes and burns?

Oinkment

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2018
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Why should you never trust a pig with a secret?

Because it's bound to squeal.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2019
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Why should you not rob a pig?

It'll squeal on you

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VigorousJizzHands
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2018
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Psychology teacher dropped one on the class today.

Our psych teacher is known to be a jokester and today he continued that trend.

"So one night I was driving down a road in the country. All of a sudden, I heard a bam. I had hit something with my car. It turned out to be a pig. I didn't know what to do, so I just rolled it to the edge of the road. The next day at home, the farmer gave me a call saying he knew it was me who had killed his pig. I thought to myself, 'How could he know?' That's when it dawned on me. The pig had squealed."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stoltz3
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2014
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So I'm one of them now

This just happened about an hour ago.

I was holding my infant son, and my wife asked me to hand her the Aquaphor. I said it is a shame we don't have a Dickphor. She just stared at me.

"I don't know what you are saying," she said flatly.

"A dickphor. You know, a dickphor."

"... no idea."

"Oh you know, a dickphor." At this point I'm laughing.

"Wha... I get that you are saying 'dick' instead of 'qua', but I don't understand what that means." She was laughing too by now.

"A dickphor! You've heard of a dickphor! A dickphor!" I figured if I said it enough, she would eventually give me the reply I now needed more than anything.

"... what is a dickph-" she realized in that moment that she had given me exactly what I was after. I could see in her face that she wanted to go back, to un-ask the question. But it was too late. I couldn't hold back long enough for her to even finish the sentence.

"PEEING!" I squealed triumphantly. Not since the Parthian capharacts defeated the calvary of Crassus at Carrhae has a victory tasted so sweet.

We both laughed long enough for our 8 month old son to realize that he was doomed to a life of dadjokes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/themeatbridge
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2013
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What did the ghost wear on her Halloween date?

Boo jeans and high squeals.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/drinkbeernaked
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2017
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Some of my dad's think-and-grins

Driving the family car with a whining engine when the brakes squeek obnoxiously

"Looks like this van has more than one squeal"

"Yeah, including the nut behind the wheel!"

Need to ask sister a question

"Have you seen my sister?"

"No, but I read the book."

Looking at laptops when we see the chromebook we have at home

"Hey look, it's that thing that struggles with the concept of Ctrl-P"

"Well, that is why they made diapers"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Unuoctium
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2017
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My dad's favorite story.

My Dad tells this story all the time. He goes into great detail about what we bought at the mall and what the pig looked like, just to make it more believable. It usually takes a good 20 minutes to tell the story, it's nearly impossible to keep a straight face.

Did I ever tell you about the time we hit a pig on the highway? We were driving home from the mall and all of a sudden, BAM, we hit a pig. We didn't know what to do. The car wasn't damaged and we couldn't see what happened to the pig, so we just drove home. That night, we get a phone call and it's the police. "Sir, were you driving on I85 this afternoon", the police officer says. "Yes, I was officer" "Did you know it's against the law to leave the scene after running over a farm animal? That will be a $500 fine", says the officer. "No sir I didn't know it was against the law. But I've got to ask, how did you know it was me that ran over the pig?" The police officer responds, "The pig squealed"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Groccolli
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2013
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We went to go see a play

There was a dad behind me.

His wife asked, "what row are we in?"

He said, "dolphin row."

She looked confused and like she had enough of his shit.

He smiled and said "E. Like a dolphin." Then he broke out into a high pitch dolphin squeal, "eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"

The depth of her sigh took five years off my life.

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2015
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My dad got into an accident.

Dad: The police stopped by the house today.

Me: Why?

Dad: Last weekend I was visiting my friend in the backwoods. As I was driving, a pig jumped out in front of me. I swerved to avoid it but ended up hitting it. I got out of my car and noticed it was not going to live. The pig had to be over 100 pounds, and there wasn't any way to move it. I look around and couldn't see anyone. I decided to leave the pig in the road figuring people would drive around it and scavengers would eventually take care of it. But today the police stopped by to question me about it.

Me: No one was around, right? How did they know you hit it?

Dad: The pig squealed. Dad laughs as I fell right into it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/philipmcgroin
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2014
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Armenian riddles are all basically dad jokes

"What is green, hanging on a wall and squealing?"

Answer: "A herring." Why is the herring green? "Well, it's my herring, I painted it as I pleased." But why is it hanging on the wall? "It's my herring, I can hang it anywhere I wish." But why is the herring squealing? "I added squealing to make it harder to solve my riddle."

http://talkreason.org/marperak/jokes/armenrad.htm

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πŸ‘€︎ u/whythecynic
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2015
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My Christian-Dad was obviously the inspiration for Ned Flanders

Dad: "Time for bed, kids"

Kids: "Throw us in bed! Throw us in bed!"

(Dad picks a kid up in his arms)

Dad: "Did I ever tell you about the three men in the book of Daniel who were thrown into the fiery furnace?"

Kids: "No!"

Dad: "Their names were... Shadrach... Meshach... and ToBedYouGo!

(tosses squealing kid through the air, onto the bed)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cyclura
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2013
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