The double e’s in β€œbee” might actually be silent.

The single e in β€œbe,” too.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/1st10Amendments
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2018
🚨︎ report
Don’t expect to hear yourself urinate after taking the Pfizer vaccine.

I had a doctor tell me the P was silent.

πŸ‘︎ 152
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πŸ‘€︎ u/banditk77
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was the night Jesus was born so quiet?

Mary was giving Joseph the silent treatment for not booking a room in advance (this came from my dad 🀣🀣)

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/belac2002
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl when it goes to the bathroom ?

Because the P is silent

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Noelittle
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Pub is a magical place

In a pub will one man start to scream on other man : "hey dude i fucked your Mother" Whole pub get silent and waits for reaction of the other man, but he is silent Man screams again : "Hey! I fucked your Mother" The other man is still in silent... The man screams again even more loud: " Do you hear me you idiot? I fucked your Mother" The second man finally answer with calm voice "Please dad, go home, you are too drunk"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LightclawCZE
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
🚨︎ report
A doctor was teaching a class, and wanted to give a pop quiz about tolerance and observance when dealing with the cadavers. (L) (On Mobile)

Teacher: β€œSo I want everyone to understand that a dead body isn’t disgusting, and we need to be able to handle it and always be observant at all times when dealing with one”

The teacher has everyone turn their body over

Teacher: β€œNow I want you all to stick your finger in it’s ass and hold it in there for a moment”

all of the students do as instructed, hesitant at first

Teacher: β€œOkay, now go ahead and pull your finger out and then put a finger in your mouth like I do”

The students getting a little disgusted by that request REALLY hesitated at first, but eventually they all did as he asked

As the teacher has all of his students with their finger in their mouth, he tells the class, β€œnow see it’s not disgusting if you did it right...if you put your index finger in the ass, and put your middle finger in your mouth like I did, you have just passed my class”.

With minimal observance, and a dead silent room...not one student passed the pop quiz

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wonkagloop
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
Tsunami invited Cyclone ,Earthquake and Drought to a tea party.

Nobody came.

Tsunami had a silent tea.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rhshi14
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
🚨︎ report
Why can’t you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom?

Because the P is silent

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vamplestat666
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
🚨︎ report
My kids say my cooking is incredible...

....with a silent 'cr'

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
A mime in my town was arrested yesterday after breaking his left arm in a bar fight.

He still has the right to remain silent.

πŸ‘︎ 97
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend asked what I was doing to celebrate my cake day.

I sat silently because I had no re-torte

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/g_cagny
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about this year’s Nobel prize nominees?

It included the inventor of β€œSilent Mode”.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ElZoof
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
🚨︎ report
If a pun happens and no one is around to hear it, is it a pun at all?

Question in study guide: The term evacuative proctography is also commonly called ____________.

Me studying alone: um, hmm....eeesh..not sure..idk. Oh wait, defacogram!

Also me, silently: can’t believe I just pulled that answer outta my ass

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/seawoo10
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Why don’t you ever hear a pterodactyl urinate?

Because the pee is silent....

Credit my buddy Cameron.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/witty-repartay
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
🚨︎ report
My mom said I should pronounce 'wrong' with the 'w'.

I just kept silent.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you hear when a Pterodactyl uses a toilet?

Nothing because the pee is silent.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zuwiboiii
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
🚨︎ report
This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. Somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me...

Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a minute and when I came out, I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a slight limp...

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. ..

After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes," replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
🚨︎ report
People think that the word 'queue' is just 'Q' followed by 4 silent letters

But those letters aren't silent, they're just waiting their turn

πŸ‘︎ 162
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Day Job

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to hand him the money.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said,

"Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."

The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much,to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all.

Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 year

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I am terrified of people who urinate quietly.

After all, all psychos have a silent p.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/alleyooptojames
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Pterodactyls evolved a way to urinate without making any noise.

Their P was silent.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hitokirizac
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
🚨︎ report
A Spanish magician prepares the audience for his final trick...

He yells "UNO!"

The crowd falls silent in anticipation.

"DOS!"

Everyone's eyes are wide, laser focused on the preformer.

Then, the magician vanishes... without a tres.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChewyNutCluster
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Spooky Joke

So, a comedian walks onto the stage and says to his assistant: β€œDo you want to hear a joke about ghosts?” The assistant responds with: β€œSure” The comedian says: That’s the spirit!

The Audience goes silent. A ghost pops out of the wall and goes: boo. The Audience begins to boo.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ“…︎ May 29 2020
🚨︎ report
A power plant blows up near a aquarium...

and I had to be the one to tell my boss about the mutated eels. After I gathered all my courage, I said to him

β€œSir, the eels have fur all over them and are humanoid too!”

My boss looked so surprised, and was silent for a minute or two. Finally, he asked me

β€œFur-eel man?”

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Every play is a word play

unless its silent. then its action packed

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NRG_Factor
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2020
🚨︎ report
How come you can never hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

Because its P is silent.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IncompotentCyborg
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Why can’t you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom?

Because the P is silent

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/12mpclark
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom

Because the P is silent

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ibealittlebirdy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
🚨︎ report
A mime in my town was arrested yesterday after breaking his left arm in a bar fight.

He still has the right to remain silent.

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

Because the p is silent

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NormallyWierd
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
🚨︎ report
A mime in my town was arrested after he got into a bar fight and broke his left arm.

He still has the right to remain silent.

πŸ‘︎ 144
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom?

Because the 'P' is silent.

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tricky1973
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Why can’t you hear pterodactyls go to the bathroom?

Because the P is silent.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kendra7516
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
🚨︎ report
A mime in my town was arrested yesterday after he broke his left arm in a bar fight.

He still has the right to remain silent.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2019
🚨︎ report
Why can't you hear the Psychiatrist using the toilet?

..... because the P is silent.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/socdist
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Why can’t you hear psychopaths when they use the bathroom?

Because the P is silent

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AJSaporno
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2020
🚨︎ report
In my town they arrested a mime that got into a bar fight and broke his left arm...

He still has the right to remain silent...

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JosephBarnacle
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Why don’t you hear psychiatrists when they go to the bathroom?

The p is silent.

πŸ‘︎ 118
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LorenaBobbedIt
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Why can't you hear a Pterodactyl when it goes to the washroom?

Because the P is silent

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Albettros
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2020
🚨︎ report
A mime in my town was arrested yesterday after he broke his left arm in a bar fight.

He still has the right to remain silent.

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Why can’t you hear a Pterodactyl in the bathroom?

The P is silent.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lvrcerosis
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Why can’t you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom?

Because the β€œP” is silent.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sierrasport
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl using the restroom?

Because the p is silent

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nkiehl
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2020
🚨︎ report
You cant hear psychopaths urinating

Bcos the P is silent

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/broshaine
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I think there's a pterodactyl in my bathroom, but I can't be certain.

Because the p is silent.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RonPalancik
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Why can’t you hear Pterodactyls go to the bathroom?

Because their P is silent

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/static612
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2020
🚨︎ report

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