I suddenly realized I was going through the airport turnstile sideways, but it was too late...

I was going to Bangkok.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FelizMendelssohn
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
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Rick Astley played β€˜Never gonna give you up’ while rapidly moving downhill sideways

It’s called Rick Rolling

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Assfrontation
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
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Walking sideways to the right in FPS games

Is literally Depressing (D-pressing)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/theundeaddeadpool
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2018
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Why is that helicopter coming at me sideways, bro.

He must have a bad attitude.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bytepsyze
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2017
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I keep asking my flatmate to pay his rent

And he keeps turning sideways to avoid me

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fuqers
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
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There’s a tool for every job

At work, Gary has to cut holes in sheet metal and has to use a de-burring hook to remove the sharp edges of the cutout. He always catches someone with their guard down and ask to borrow their heater. Gary works inside in a warm clean building, so it’s an odd request.

Their head tilts sideways like a confused dog, and they say puzzled β€œHeater?”.

Gary replies, β€œYeah, your de-BUrRRrRR-ing tool” as he crosses his arms and shivers.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nuclear-juniper
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
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My friends tell me I'm like a beard..

I grow down or sideways, but I never grow up!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dragonfly55555
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2020
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Went for the long con with my wife

I had a little mishap with a pruning saw in the yard and asked my wife to patch my finger up. She's a nurse, so I figured she'd dress my wound better than I could. She started off with cleaning up the cut with a betadine swab.
Wife: "This might sting a little bit."
Me: Yup. Yup that stings.
Wife: Sing a song. It'll take your mind off of it.
Me: "Roooooxanne, you don't have to put on the red light, Those days are over you don't have to sell your body to the night..."
Wife: sideways look
Me: "Roooooxanne, you don't have to wear that dress tonight, Walk the streets for money you don't care if it's wrong or if it's right..."
Wife: sideways look
Me: "You know who sings that, right?"
Wife: "Yeah, the Police."
Me: "Who and the Police?"
Wife: "Sting?"
Me: "Yes it does."

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/capomatt
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2016
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(x-post r/jokes) My wife told me that she couldn't turn her neck because it hurts so much, so I told her to look forward to a massage tonight...

...Since she can't look sideways anyways...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Totally_a_Banana
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2019
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Got rekt by my Political Science Professor

lecture about US political culture

Prof: You guys like magic

Class: Yeah!

Prof: Okay I need a volunteer

I raised my hand so he picked me

Prof: Okay pull out a dollar bill and point out the wings of the bald eagle

I do

Prof: Okay I want you to fold the bill 3 times long ways then hand it to me

i fold it then hand it to him

Prof: You can still see the wings right? okay I am now going to fold it sideways into 3rds then I want you to hold out 3 fingers with your palm up

he places the folded bill onto my fingers with the center third flat on my hand

Prof: now say wing 3 times

Me: Wing wing wing

prof picks up the bill and holds it up to his ear

Prof: Hello?? This is Professor Frank, who is this?

The whole class couldn't stop laughing for like 10 minutes xD

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SN1P3RJOE
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2015
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My little brother asked my dad what frontier means

My dad, without skipping a beat, stands up and sideways. He points to his furthest ear to my brother and says "well this one's your back ear.." and then points to his other ear and says "and this one is your frontier!"

He laughed so hard he almost passed out.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mopperton
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2015
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Dad jokes can be found anywhere

I walked into a Michaels store today and saw a sales sign that had fallen off its stand from one side.

The sales associate saw me looking at it and said, "If you were wondering, we are having a sideways sale!".

I couldn't resist. "Well, that explains why the prices had dropped by half! "

We knew what we did. It was marvelous.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Subzero_
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2015
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Dad put us in a crabby mood.

We were watching a doco on swarms. There was a part on land crabs going to the sea for mating season.

Narrator: "But how do they get to the sea?"

Dad: "Sideways."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/metalbassist33
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2014
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Too soon?

Disclaimer: I'm not a Dad.

Yesterday my sister posted on facebook that her son had had a collision with a coffee table, the result of which is 6 stitches next to his eye, and his eye has swollen up.

My facebook response: "Sounds like he'll be eyeing the coffee table sideways for a little while."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nibrox
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2014
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Well...

Well? That's a deep subject. Turn it sideways and you have a tunnel!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DudeMan18
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2014
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