I once debated a flat earther. He got so mad he stormed off saying he would walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong.
He’ll come around eventually.
My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. "What are you doing?" she asked him. "I'm going to have a bake sale to buy a car," he answered. "Where on earth did you get that idea? We're in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!" He said...
"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."
Why did Jesus sail in the storm on the Sea of Galilee?
It's not like he was a huge fan of the fairer seas.
Did you hear about the storm trooper who changed a lightbulb?
He became a shock trooper
Have you heard about the street performer who does his act in the middle of a storm?
What does the storm cloud wear under its raincoat?
How did the old man walk his way out of the storm so fast?
Because, he had a hurry cane.
True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.
"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."
Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.
Rudolph the red and his wife were on a stroll. Rudolph the red looked up at the sky and said "we should hurry up, there is a storm comming". So his wife asked "how do u know" and he replied...
"Rudolph the red knows rain dear"
What’s the difference between in-laws & out-laws?
The other day my dog fell into a lake and was drowning. Then some German guy came out of nowhere and saved his life
After I thanked him, he said to me: "Don't vorry, just dry him off and keep him varm, he vill be fine"
I asked him, "Are you a vet?"
He answered, "Am I vet? I'm soaking"
Hey friends! In support of the LGBTQ+ community I wanted to design a punny pride greeting card and I am so happy with how it turned out :D let me know what you think!
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.
I took him to the bar and had a few drinks. Nice guy. He wants to be a web designer.
I just found out the Mortal Kombat theme was based on something old
Why did the 9V battery get kicked out of church?
Because they were holding an AA Meeting
What did the cows say when they ran out of grass?
I just found out that the guy who stole my diary died yesterday.
My thoughts are with his family.
Towards the end of WW2 the Americans decided to try out an advanced, decisive strategy for war ..
An elderly couple is in a church. The wife says to the husband “I’ve let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?”
The husband says “Change the battery in your hearing aid.”
A young boy and an old man are walking through the woods at night. The boy tells the man: "I'm scared. It's really dark and spooky out here."
The old man replies, "YOU'RE scared?! I'm the one that has to walk back alone!"
So a few years back, my sister forgot to put the butter away and mom was chewing her out because it was ruined.
Seeing an opportunity to break the tension, I called from the living room, "I guess you BUTTER not do that again!"
Mom shouted back that my joke was terrible, but she was laughing too much to stay irritated.
When my aunt Penny died she hadn’t cut her hair in 20 years, when we took her to the crematorium it turns out they charged by weight and we couldn’t afford a receptacle for her ashes. I learned an important lesson that day.
A Penny shaved is a Penny urned.
When I was young my mom would tear out the last page of all my comics. She wouldn't tell me why.
I had to draw my own conclusions.
A man walks out in the purring rain...
And he thinks to himself: "Why is it raining cats?"
Did you hear about all the trouble that a drummer caused by coming out of retirement?
Apparently there were several repercussions.
I just carved a smiley face on the maple out front...
But enough pleasant trees.
I waited & stayed up all night trying to figure out where the sun was...
I deleted all of the Germans I know out of my phone's contacts
I couldn't figure out why the frisbee was getting bigger and bigger...
There’s a new virus out called the Peekaboo virus!
They recommend if you catch it to proceed straight to the ICU.
What does a Jewish mother say when she gets a skin rash out in the forest?
Why did the non-binary prospector head out West?
Because there was gold in them/their hills!
There's a rather unknown Greek myth that involved Zeus farting so loudly that it caused powerful lightning storms all over Greece. Panic and chaos ensued, and there was widespread looting as fires raged out on control.
Thus began the Zeus Toot Riots.
Did you know Sully js gay? Well, he came out of the closet.
What do you call a bunch of racist red necks storming the Capitol Building?
When I hang out with my Spanish friends, I always use the word mucho.
The trees around the house are starting to bud. I said to my wife, "Honey, do you know what happens when the trees leaf out?"
A look of hopeful curiosity washed over her as she fell into my trap. "No, what?"
"Very SHADY things."
It must've reminded her that she had something else to do that was very important.
They ran out of weapons at the medieval fighting championship...
Talk about being understaffed.
My wife and I were woken up at 3am by loud banging on our door. I got up, opened the door and there was a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain, asking for a push. "Are you insane man?!!? It's 3 in the morning!!" I screamed, slamming the door and stormed back to bed...
"Who was that?" asked my wife.
"Just some drunk asking for a push." I grumbled.
"Did you help him?" she asked.
"No, I did NOT! It's 3am and it's pouring rain!"
"Well, you've a short memory." she said. "Don't you remember three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself! Now get out there and help him!"
She had a point, and angrily, I got dressed and went out into the darkness, calling out, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes."
"Do you still need a push?"
"Yes please."
"Where are you?"
"Over here...on the swing."
Went to GameStop to use the bathroom, but it was out of order...
I guess I have to keep holding it.
With Storm Ciara rolling in I was worried about my pet bunnies out there in the garden.
But it’s fine - I’ve battened down the hutches.
Out of all the groceries bought that day, all the veggies cowered in fear of the potato who ranted on and demanded respect
Little did they know he was a dic-tater
How did the tow truck pull the honda out of a ditch?
The design subreddits didn't care too much for puns, hope you get a chuckle out of this poster I created. The Talon-ted Ones. Coming to a venue near you.
My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. "What are you doing?" she asked him. "I'm going to have a bake sale to buy a car," he answered. "Where on earth did you get that idea? We're in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!" He said...
"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."
I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he’d walk to the edge of the Earth to prove me wrong.
He’ll come around, eventually.
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