12 year old daughter singing her revised version of β€œCreep” by Radiohead...

β€œI’m a creek. I’m a riverrrrrrrr.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cahalenta
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
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I failed a math test on an elevator.

I got it wrong on so many levels.

An old one I know, I just thought the punchline needed revision.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SD_Swift
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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I was studying for my history exam and really struggling. I asked my mum what I should do...

β€œWhy don’t you help me with the laundry? Its whites today.” She said.

β€œHow will that help?” I asked.

β€œWell I hear whitewashing is good for revising history.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lukub5
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
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I was revising an essay the other day...

when all of a sudden I deleted an entire sentence. I tried Ctrl+Z, document recovery, and everything, but eventually I gave it up as a lost clause.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/i_love_cool_words
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2018
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24 Feb 2017, Revised Rules and meta-state of /r/puns

Hello ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.

I've been very busy with personal stuff for the past few weeks, so I've let this subreddit drift unattended. Reading some of the reports and comments after coming back makes me realize that my absence led to some unwanted events happening!


Let's start with the fun stuff: We now have a new fancy rulebook! If you suspect a post of breaking these rules, feel free to report it in the relevant category, or use (8) other if you suspect it to slip through the cracks of one of the other rules.

Secondly, as of right now, we do not have an explicit rule forbidding inflammatory subjects like race, politics, etc, as the rest of reddit seems to be melting down, but so far we remain unscathed. I wish to let you all crack puns like adults without having to put on training wheels, but if any of the above subjects become a problem then I will swiftly revisit this. Consider this a privilege, not a right, and do try to avoid abusing it! Piggybacking off this, any post that is more 'lewd' than PG should be NSFW tagged. If it is inappropriate for an office setting, I will manually NSFW it, and repeat offenders will have consequences.

Third, you can now request puns! start a self post with [request] and put in whatever information is necessary, such as "[request] puns about clocks".


I'll keep this post stickied for about a week or so, to keep it as a nice feedback net, and we can adjust rules, add/delete/modify them as needed, to keep our subreddit of lovely puns in peak condition!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KetoSaiba
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2017
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Revising for Computer Graphics exam when a friend drops this

Did you hear about the OpenGL guy who dropped his pen under his desk?

He was Phong-Blinn around for it

(Context: Phong-Blinn is a shading model used in OpenGL http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blinn%E2%80%93Phong_shading_model)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Verdaniss
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2014
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My friend can’t remember the name for ninja stars

"Sure he can" I thought.

Credit to u/phillip_gloomberry for revising the joke.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThrainnTheRed
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2019
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Did you hear about the guy who tried to climb a hill without a watch?

He didn't make it because he had neither the time nor the inclination.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lordsmiles
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2018
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Sir Ian Mckellen tells a dad joke.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YZf0Q-v3u-k

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ectomania
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2014
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Did I ever tell you about the guy milking a cow? A fly flew into the cow’s ear, and a few seconds later, him milked out the fly!

But ya know what they say, in one ear, out the udder

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hpresto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2018
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They say Montana is fairly populated, but it’s actually MT.

(Revising my previous joke)

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2019
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Dad joke #1 for me! My dad is learning... Oh lord.

My dad called me out of my room, asked me what I was doing and I told him I was revising (insert quote marks around that for yourself if you'd like). He asks me to look in the car and there's a whole crate full of packets of salt that are all leaking. That sounds weird, and to be honest it is, but my dad works at a supermarket and gets to take home faulty merchandise so I though nothing of it. He asks me to move it all into the garage, so I do so.

Then he tells me: "Actually, put it in the shed". Now I'm confused since we don't have a shed, and so I asked him what he meant. He tells me, "The one in the old house". We own two houses - our first one, and our new one, so I thought alright that's enough; the house is a half-hour walk and I honestly cannot be bothered for him asking me to walk that half an hour whilst I could be revising so I get a bit mad and just tell him straight.

He gives me a little smile and just says "Don't get salty and start shedding tears, I'll do it then". He gives me a little smile and just walks off. I'm honestly so glad I'm moving away for uni next year.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChardRardZard
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2019
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getting my hair cut in the barbers

and he asks me if I wanted it cut around the back

I replied no its fine to do it here

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πŸ‘€︎ u/akjohnston87
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2016
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My 8 year old daughter just got me!

My son was singing one of the songs from the Lion King. I thought it sounded weird so I asked, "Are those real words?"

My daughter said, "Yep. They're all in the dictionary."

I couldn't be prouder!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fort221
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2016
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Puns of Varying Quality on the Subject of Linguistics (created in a fit of procrastinative inspiration) some of which I thought someone, someday might appreciate.

Note: Quality Very Varying (I see what I did there) and sometimes subject to specialist knowledge. So I apologise in advance. Shame me with your better puns.

While I was languishing in the Language Centre, doing some semantics antics and considering how all the other linguistics students despised and derided me, I was accosted by a stout man with large glasses who made me a preposition. It was that I should collect terrible puns, to do with linguistics, in order to ingratiate myself yet further with the other linguistics students (including even the phonetics fanatics).

I'm struggling to think of a pun to do with grammaticality that both makes sense and "Is grandma tickly?" correct. I'm also stuck on 'morphologician'. (I'm not actually sure that's a particularly logical word for the subject, though I guess that's more for, er, more for a logician to worry about.)

The problem I have with writing about phonological variation is that one is constantly forced to choose between being fun or logical - very Asian!I always get in trouble with electricians, they think I'm calling them a 'dialectician' whereas in fact I'm just saying "Die, electrician."

I like pscycholinguistics – the only department of linguistics where it’s acceptable to wear a cycle helmet. My Australian accent is terrible but I like to think my Sath Efrican one is predicate. My favourite accent is Received Pronunciation, because it is the accent chiefly used by invisible Japanese people who are ordered online. When the first recipient of an invisible Japanese person got the parcel, they wrote a complaint saying "Received but can't see Asian" and the name stuck.

Why did the speakers whose native languages weren't English, but whose only shared language was English, but they weren't very good at it and kept on having to stop to think about it, stop talking to one another? They came to an agreement. (Get it? If not, write your answer on a pastecard and paste it to the below address.)

What did the 'a' say to the 'the'? "You definitely are ticklish, 'the'!"

Why was the small man eaten by the large bear, which was proportionately bigger than him? It had, er, relative claws.

I think the reason there are so many speakers of Russian is because they all partake in an activity called "copulae shun". (Ok, ok, I know, that was Pushkin it.)

I know a man called Hillary who can, might, should, did, must, shall and will ride an ox. We call him "Ox Hillary".

I always think the verb 'to be' in the senten

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kieuk
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2011
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