So much so, I can't put it down.
Because one is a repost.
I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."
What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!
I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!
Have you heard of that new movie, “Constipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.
I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said “No, doc, it’s dis knee.”
Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.
When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.
What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.
What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!
I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."
Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!
Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.
Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.
What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!
What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!
Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!
How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!
When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!
19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.
My friend told me, “People who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, “Yeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”
How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!
What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. “Taken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)
How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.
If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.
I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.
I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!
What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon
Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem
... keep reading on reddit ➡He was operating a late night train and fell asleep at the controls. He ended up failing to recognise a stop sign and as a result his train hit a person and killed them immediately. He was tried for manslaughter and sentenced to the electric chair. Just before being put in the chair, he was given the choice of final meal and chose a single banana, oddly. His time came and he was placed into the chair, the room vacated and then the switch was thrown.
But... Nothing. No sparks, no burning, nothing. They checked the machine and it was working fine, it just seemed not to harm him. The state law meant that, legally, his sentence had been carried out and he was free to go. He walked away a free man, and actually got another job as a train driver.
Sadly, almost exactly the same thing happened again. This time his negligence killed two kids playing around on the tracks when again he'd fallen asleep and failed to stop the train in time. Hauled before the courts again, he got exactly the same sentence - the electric chair. He was asked again for his final meal, chose two bananas this time, and his sentence was carried out again.
And yet again, he didn't die. In fact, he was entirely unharmed. The state law remained the same, so he was let out again, where - somehow - he got another job with another train company. I guess it was the only job he was trained for (pardon the pun). Anyway, this time he did much better and worked hard to stay awake during his late shifts. But sure enough, eventually he slipped back in to old habits and this time killed five people - a family trying to free their dog stuck in the tracks.
Once again he faced a jury, once again they found him guilty and a judge sentenced him to the electric chair. This time he asked for 5 bananas, but the guard was wiley - he has read about this man and how he always had bananas before his sentence was carried out, and so this time (with a grin, it's said) he brought the train driver 5 apples instead. The guilty man plead and begged for bananas, but the guard claimed it was an honest mistake but too late to change now.
The man was lead for a third time to the electric chair. His head was wetted, his arms strapped in, and the guard eyed him with something between wonder and fear. Finally the room was vacated and the switch thrown. Surely this time the machine would do its job? With the process finished, the guard ran back into the room, only to find the man still alive and looking entirely healthy. "I do
... keep reading on reddit ➡Passing a billboard for the law offices of Powell, Powell, and Powell, I said to my wife, "Those are the attorneys I would call."
"Why?"
"They're obviously the most Powell-ful firm in town."
He says to the guy in front of him, “Hey, what did you do in your life?” The guy says, “I was a bus driver. I was a bad person. I wasn’t nice to people, I stole, and I always broke the law.” The preacher says, “I was a preacher. I always went to church and gave the best and longest sermons. I always prayed and read the Bible.” Finally, it’s the bus driver’s turn to tell God about his life. A few minutes later, he walks into heaven. The preacher walks up to God. God says, “What kind of things did you do in your life?” “Well, I went to church and gave great sermons. Do I get to go to heaven?” “I don’t know,” says God. “What? How come that dumb bus driver got to go to heaven?” God says, “When you gave your sermons, everyone fell asleep. But every time the bus driver was driving, there was at least one person on the bus who was praying.”
The first law now reads: The shortest distance between to points is under construction.
I was walking past a bookstore with my father in law today. He looked in the window and saw a display of books that featured Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison. My FIL said, "I tried reading Invisible Man years ago and I don't know, I just couldn't... I didn't really..." He struggled for words.
"You couldn't see the point?" I prompted with a grin.
He continued on for a moment till he saw me wagging my eyebrows and it hit him. I feel like I made him proud.
My daughter read the book "The Talented Mr. Ripley" in her English class. Then we watched the movie starring Matt Damon and Jude Law (who plays Dickie). My daughter kept telling me what's different in the movie compared to the book..like Dickie is a painter not a musician, etc. After she telling me a bunch of differences, I asked "In the book, does Jude Law play Dickie?"
One of the distant aunts is walking around to each table taking pictures with her iPad for the couple the reception is for. She asks:
"They would like a picture of each table" father in law chimes in... "Just the table or could I be in it too?" She laughs and holds up the iPad for the picture. Father in law sounds out "Great, now she's reading her tablet instead of taking pictures"
Classic.
Dad and I were having a semi-serious discussion on privacy laws, the internet and stuff like that.
DAD: I was reading a study the other day, and you know what country receives most spam e-mails per citizen by day?
ME: No, I didn't even know the country would influence that...
DAD: Yeah, turns out SPAIM is on top of the list...
ME: .............
DAD: (laughs like a fucking maniac for almost a minute)
Girlfriend: I just finished reading a really thick chapter of copyright law. Let me take a break It was really heavy.
Me: Do you need a lighter?
So my girlfriend was doing some readings from her law textbook, and I was looking over her shoulder reading the thrilling book.
Me: "WHO's the World Health Organisation."
Her: "Ha. Ha."
In walking through a park and observing the signs, ‘All dogs found on these grounds without their owners, will be shot,’ a friend of mine exclaimed, ‘That’s a hard case for dogs that can’t read.’
— Irving Browne, Humorous Phases of the Law, 1876
